


Transangelic Exodus

by wallaceandvomit



Series: The Catalyst [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, mcyt
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Family Dynamics, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Overdose, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Trans Character, everybodys trans baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:21:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 43,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27354895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wallaceandvomit/pseuds/wallaceandvomit
Summary: Techno feels empty and broken, Wilbur feels too much too often, and Tommy has never felt more alone in his life.sbi family angst stuff, inspired by Ezra Furman's album Transangelic Exodus
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Dave | Technoblade, Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: The Catalyst [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074899
Comments: 424
Kudos: 1570





	1. just lock the door and settle in among the raincoats

**Author's Note:**

> please heed the warnings! this fic deals with heavy topics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Techno feels empty and broken, Wilbur feels too much too often, and Tommy has never felt more alone in his life.
> 
> sbi family angst stuff, inspired by Ezra Furman's album Transangelic Exodus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please heed the warnings! this fic deals with heavy topics

“Hey, Tech. Would you mind running to the store to get heavy cream?” Phil asked, looking up from his phone. “I managed to forget it. I’ll give you a ten, get something for yourself too.” 

Techno sighed and nodded, taking the bill from his dad’s hand. “I’ll be quick. How much time do we have?”

“Wilbur’s picking them up at three. We have enough time.” Phil said, pocketing his phone and going back to beating eggs together. 

He nodded and pulled his boots on, doing up the laces and double knotting them before heading out the door.  
It was nearly January, a chill sat stagnant in the air around the town. Techno stared at the ground as he walked, watching wet leaves attempt to crunch under his boots. He could see his breath, he realised. He suddenly wished he had brought a coat. 

He relished the warmth of the grocery store while he was inside it, but the painfully bright fluorescent lights made his head start to ache.

Heavy cream and a can of monster sat on the conveyer belt, quickly exchanged for a ten dollar bill, and Techno was out in the cold again. 

The cold was comforting, to a degree. It felt like how a hug could feel wrong sometimes, which made him think of his childhood, and the comfort stopped. 

“Got it.” He announced, pulling his shoes off at the front door. 

“Oh, perfect! Thank you, Tech, you’re a lifesaver. Did you go without a coat?” Phil asked, taking the cream out of Techno’s extended hand.

“Yeah, it was fine though. Do you need any help?” He asked, joining Phil in the kitchen. 

“It’s fifty degrees out, Tech. You need to wear a coat when it’s this cold. And no, I’ve got this handled, but thank you. Do you have any homework to work on?” Phil prompted, mixing the heavy cream in. 

“No, I did it at school.” Techno lied, shuffling off to his room. It was dark and for the most part, monochromatic. Grey sheets with grey pillows, grey blinds and white carpet. The LEDs on his walls were pink, though, which cast a pink light through the whole room. His blinds were shut, and clothes littered the floor. 

Techno laid down on the bed with a sigh. His popcorn ceilings had patterns if he looked close enough. His body felt grey, like the fog outside had nuzzled itself inside the walls of his chest. He heard a quiet patter outside, then it grew into a roar as the rain came barreling down. It was comforting, a heavy white noise to keep him from hearing the little things around the house. His heart sunk deeper in his chest with an aching pain, and he felt it go cold.

He pulled himself up and went to the bathroom down the hall. Wilbur was out with his friends, Tommy was still at Tubbo’s, and his dad was busy baking downstairs. His heart was buried in a storm in his chest, the roiling winds pulling at his head and making a lump in his throat. Why did he feel so awful? He was taking his meds. Were they not working anymore? 

Techno looked at himself in the mirror. His whole body felt empty. The bags under his eyes were dark shadows, he could see his chin was about to break out with acne again. Pink bangs fell just over his eyes, his hair a mess on his head that hadn’t been brushed in days. His roots were starting to grow in again, he’d have to go to Sally’s and get more bleach and dye. He didn’t feel excited for it, like he usually did. It was just another task. 

Fuck.

Why did he feel so awful? He sat on the tiles before the sink. Staring ahead blankly at the cupboard under the sink, he felt his heart rate start to pick up. Why? He wasn’t doing anything, nothing bad was happening, right? He looked to the left, and noted the lag he felt between his movement and his vision. As he felt his surroundings change, he realised in a panic that he was dissociating.

“…noblade? Technoblade? Are you in there?” Phil knocked on the bathroom door again.

Techno blinked, his heart racing as he looked down. His thighs were covered in small slits, little spheres of blood dotting the lines. A razor in his right hand. He swallowed a lump in his throat.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He asked, cursing the way his voice shook.

“I said I’m going to go to the 99 cent store and get wrapping paper, we’re out. You’ve been in there a while though, are you doing okay?” Phil asked. He didn’t try the handle, he knew it’d be locked.

Techno glanced at his thighs again. “Um, yeah I’m fine, I just started my period. I’m all good.” 

“Oh okay, are you good on pads or should I pick some up while I’m out?” Phil asked.

“No, I’m good. Drive safe.” Techno responded, bracing himself on the counter and pulling himself up. 

“Alright, I’ll be home soon.” Phil said, heading down the hall and out the house.

Techno was left alone, staring at the sink and listening to the rain pour outside. That was bad. That was very bad. He had dissociated and hurt himself. He took a sharp breath, gripping the counter. Why was he doing so bad? He took another breath and closed his eyes. Okay. It was okay, he just needed to clean himself up.

The wet toilet paper stung on his thighs, but he wiped away the blood nonetheless. Gentle fingers pressed the bandaids into place, and he pulled his sweats back on, wincing at the little pains.

He went back to his room, closing the door behind him and sinking into his bed. The lights were off, and he felt like just another shadow. Techno stared ahead, feeling his throat tighten. He took a shaky breath, then let out a sob. His eyes squeezed shut and he gripped his hair, pulling it as he sobbed. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he doing so bad? He hadn’t cut in months. He let out another harsh sob, pulling his knees into his chest. 

Click. The door downstairs unlocked. Techno put a hand over his mouth to stop himself from making noise. He heard Phil shuffling around downstairs, closing the front door and starting to wrap presents.

Techno took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. He was fine. He was okay. He wiped his eyes and pulled his blanket over him. He was okay.

Techno’s phone buzzing woke him up. He fumbled for his glasses, then looked at what it said.

(3) Discord Messages

wilbur: yo im omw to tubbos can you see if phil has everything ready

wilbur: technoooooo come on i can only stall for so long

wilbur: dude come on

Techno huffed and sat up in bed, adjusting his glasses. 

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Chill out I’ll go ask him now

wilbur: ok thank you im almost at their house

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Don’t text and drive moron

He got up and slipped his phone into his pocket, wincing at the pressure on his cuts. He went downstairs, rubbing his eyes and yawning. 

“Hey, dad, Wilbur’s almost at Tubbo’s. Is everything ready?” He asked, opening the fridge.

“Oh, perfect timing. I just finished icing the cake.” Phil smiled, showing it off to Techno.  
It read, “Happy Birthday Tobby”.

Techno snorted. “You spelled Toby wrong.” 

“What? Did I? Oh, shoot.” Phil looked at it again. “Oh man, I got the two b’s from the Tubbo nickname. Damn. I hope they won’t mind.” 

“I’m sure they’ll love it.” Techno hummed, taking a tupperware of mashed potatoes out of the fridge.

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Yeah ok hes ready

TechnoBlade Never Dies: He spelt Tubbo’s name wrong lol

wilbur: how did he even manage that

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Don’t text and drive 

wilbur: yes mum

Techno sat at the kitchen table and ate his cold mashed potatoes, staring at the countertop. 

“Do you wanna put on something nice for the party?” Phil suggested.

“It’s not a party. It’s a family dinner plus Tubbo.” Techno replied, his monotone muffled by the potatoes in his mouth.

“Come on, just change out of the sweatpants?” Phil requested, leaning his hands on the counter.

That would hurt, Techno thought. But he didn’t want to spoil the others’ fun. “Yeah, okay.” He sighed, getting up and taking his potatoes upstairs.

He changed into black jeans and a T-shirt with a smiley face on it. It had been a normal T-shirt once, but he had hung out with Dream and his friends a few weeks ago, and now all of them had smiley face T-shirts. It was drawn on with a sharpie. He liked it.

His thighs stung, but he ignored it and went back downstairs with his potatoes. 

“Could you brush your hair?” Phil asked.

“Now that would be a step too far, old man. Is there anything I can help with?” He asked, finishing his potatoes and putting the container in the dishwasher. 

“Nope, we’re good.”

Techno’s phone buzzed. 

(1) Discord Message

wilbur: omw home eta is 5 mins

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Stop texting me while you’re driving

wilbur: i was parked actually so suck it

They arrived about three minutes later. It was nice, all in all. Tubbo wasn’t expecting them to have done anything for their birthday, and they spent a long time hugging Tommy and thanking him. 

Phil went to bed at ten, leaving the other four watching movies in the living room. 

“I’m gonna go outside, I need some fresh air.” Wilbur said eventually, getting up. 

“You’re gonna miss the best part, Wil! Ella is about to realize she can tell herself to do stuff!” Tommy complained.

“Yeah, I know, you guys have made me watch this like thirty times. I’ll be back.” Wilbur scoffed, leaving out the front door.

They fell into a quiet lull again, watching the movie. Technoblade felt himself start to float away again. He quickly got up.  
“I’m gonna get some fresh air too”, he said.

“Boo, you both suck. You’re gonna miss the song at the end.” Tommy objected. 

“I’m okay with that.” Techno said, leaving through the front door. He stared down, a bit taken aback by what was in front of him.

“Shit. Fuck. Don’t tell Phil?” Wilbur put out his cigarette on the concrete, looking up at Techno from where he sat.

Techno stared at him. “Where did you even get those? You’re eighteen. You have to be twenty one to get those.”

“…are you going to tell Phil?” He asked.

Techno thought it over, then sat down next to him. “No, I’m not going to tell Phil. Can I have one?”

“Uh… they’re not really good for you. Is this like, a blackmail situation?” Wilbur asked.

“No, I said I won’t tell Phil and I won’t. Can I have one?” Techno asked again.

“I guess. Why do you want one so bad?” He asked, taking the pack out of his pocket. 

“I just wanna know what it’s like.” He said, taking the cig and the lighter from Wilbur. “How do you do it?”

“Put the flame at the end and then breathe in”, Wilbur instructed. “Here, I’ll light it for you.” He took the lighter back and held it for his brother.

Techno did as he was told, feeling his throat fill with smoke. He let it out, coughing a little. “That hurts.”

“Um… yeah, it does. A little bit.” Wilbur said, lighting another for himself.

Technoblade looked at the cigarette in his hand. He liked the way it hurt. He took another drag, and didn’t cough this time. 

“You’re a natural”, Wilbur joked.

“I think that’s a bad thing.” Techno said, blowing smoke out into the night air.

Wilbur was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, probably.”

“When did you start doing this?” Techno asked, looking over at his brother.

“Oh, Jesus. Uh, years ago, really. When I was eleven I think? My bio dad smoked. But then the next year Phil adopted me. I picked it up again a couple weeks ago.” He said, not making eye contact.

Techno nodded. “Do you wanna go for a walk?” 

Wilbur glanced over at him.  
“You think the boys will be okay?”

“Dad is home. They’ll be fine.” Techno said, standing up and offering him his hand.

Wilbur nodded and took it, standing up. “Better to smoke farther away from the house, I guess.”

“Yeah”, Techno mumbled.

They walked a few blocks in silence. The air was colder than it had been in the day, and the only light came from street lights dotting the sidewalk.

“Are you doing okay?” Wilbur asked eventually.

Techno stared at the asphalt and took a drag. “I dunno. Are you?”

“Hah, no. I feel like shit.” Wilbur said, stopping to stomp his cig out. 

“Yeah, me too.” Techno sighed. “I dissociated today.” He said, following suit.

“Shit, really? I mean it makes sense, given today.” Wilbur said, rubbing the side of his arm to warm it up.

“What do you mean?” Techno asked, looking over at Wilbur. 

Wilbur looked back at him. “What... what do you mean ‘what do you mean’. It’s the day before Christmas. Isn’t that when- when you tried to… y’know?”

Techno stopped in his tracks. It was the day before Christmas. That was it. It had been a year since he had tried to kill himself. Tears were forming at his eyes before he knew it, a lump in his throat so raw he could taste blood.

“Shit, Techno, it’s okay, that’s not happening right now. Come on, come here, sit down.” Wilbur took his brother’s hands and led him to a curb to sit on.

“I didn’t- I didn’t realize”, Techno said, sniffling and wiping his eyes.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Look, I’m right here, you’re alive, you’re not alone.” Wilbur said, looking into his eyes.

Techno tore his gaze away, looking at the asphalt under his feet instead. His heart was racing. He felt his face and hands going numb, and watched his vision blur with tears.

“Techno, I need you to look around. Can you tell me five things you see?” Wilbur prompted, his nails digging into his palms.

“No… no… no no no I can’t do this”, Techno sobbed, pulling his hair over his eyes with a sharp tug. His heart only seemed to race faster. He distantly felt himself start hyperventilating.

“Techno. Technoblade. Please look at me. Please, Techno, come on. It’s okay, I’m right here”, Wilbur started to beg, gently taking his brother’s hands in his own again. 

Techno shook his head and yanked his hands back, pulling his hair even harder as he started to break down.

“Shit. Okay, Techno, please just breathe with me, please just breathe with me. In and out, okay?” Wilbur stopped touching him, instead just guiding him on how to breathe.

It took several minutes, but eventually Techno’s breathing evened. 

“You feeling okay?” Wilbur asked him, looking into his eyes.

Techno cast his gaze down to the asphalt again and nodded.  
“Sorry.” He mumbled, wiping his eyes.

“It’s okay, man. Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Phil about this?” Wilbur suggested.

“I’m sure. He would never forgive himself if he knew.” Techno said, sighing and standing up. “We should go home. Tommy will be worried.” 

Wilbur nodded and stood. “You’re right. You know you can talk to me any time, right?” He asked, looking over at his brother. Techno really did look awful. The orange streetlight made him look sicker than usual, dark bags under his eyes and tear stained cheeks. 

Techno averted his gaze. “I don’t wanna bother you, man.” 

“You wouldn’t be bothering me. I love you, Techno. I want you to be okay.” Wilbur assured him. “Seriously. Please talk to me if you need someone to talk to.” 

“…okay”, he nodded, still staring at the ground. 

“Let’s go home.” Wilbur extended his hand. Techno took it, and they walked home in a comfortable silence.

“Where were you guys? We started the next movie without you.” Tommy said, shoveling a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

“Went for a walk. I’m gonna head to bed.” Techno said, heading upstairs.

“What? Big T, come on! It’s Shrek! It’s a masterpiece!” Tommy protested.

“I’m actually gonna head in too. You two have fun, don’t stay up too late.” Wilbur said, following in Techno’s suit.

“Boo, you guys are lame!” Tommy complained, watching the two leave.

(1) Discord Message

dre: hey man, how are you doing? haven’t heard from you in a bit

Techno sat on his bed and stared at his phone. The lump was back in his throat. His room was dark, only illuminated by his LEDs and his phone screen. He hadn’t marked the day. It made sense that he wouldn’t have remembered, even if it was such a… relevant situation.

Only Wilbur and Dream knew. Dream was the one who had found him at the train tracks, and Wilbur was the one who stayed by his side for the next few weeks. Dream would probably worry if he didn’t text back.

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I’m alright

TechnoBlade Never Dies: You?

dre: im good :) wanna hop on mc?

Techno thought it over. He really, really, really wanted to be alone. He knew why that was, though. He knew he would hurt himself if he was alone. 

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Sure gimme a second

dre: yessss

He got up and sat in front of his computer, turning it on and squinting at the bright light of the monitor. Opening Discord, he glanced at the time. 11:34PM. Incoming call from dre.

“Hello, Dream.” Technoblade said, loading Minecraft.

“Hello, Technoblade. How was your day?” 

“It was a day.” He responded. Dream was quiet for a moment.

“Are you… doing okay? Like, actually?”

Techno clicked multiplayer. “I dunno. I don’t wanna bother you with this stuff.”

Another beat of silence.  
“You know I… like… care about you, right? You’re my friend. I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

He stared at his monitor. He took a deep breath. “Um… yeah. Same here.”

“So are you actually okay?” 

Techno hesitated, then snorted a laugh. “God, you know what’s fucked up? I forgot. I actually forgot. Like, I fully had a dissociative episode and cut for the first time in months and I was like. Huh, I wonder why this is happening.”

Dream was quiet. 

“You’re allowed to laugh at that. It’s a little funny.” Techno said, his skin crawling with the silence.

“I don’t think it’s funny, but I’ll laugh if it’ll make you feel better.” 

Techno sighed. “Look, man, I’m doing alright like, considering the circumstances. Do you wanna make a new survival world?”

“…yeah, that would be nice.” Dream’s smile was almost as obvious in his voice as the hesitation was.

They played for a few hours, shooting jokes back and forth and falling into a nice rhythm.

“Jesus, it’s already two”, Technoblade noted.

“You gonna head to bed?” 

“Uh… yeah, I think so. Today has been draining.” Techno sighed.

“Mhm. Hey, Techno?”

He paused. “Yeah? What?”

“Sweet dreams. I love you.”

Techno felt his heart freeze, all of a sudden the lump in his throat was back. Tears welled in his eyes. He cleared his throat.

“I love you too, man. Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	2. i believe in God but i don't believe we're getting out of this one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE proceed with caution as there is sexual assault in this chapter. there's a warning when it happens and you can scroll right to the end of it, so please don't trigger yourself just for the sake of the story. other than that enjoy and always feel free to leave a request in the comments, i do my best to get to all of them :) also this chapter was me coping with what happened to me, so if you're here for some sort of sick sexual gratification please please please fuck off.

He woke up to his phone ringing. He shifted around, cringing at the throbbing in his head, and picked it up.

“Hullo?”

“Hey, Wil. Just calling because you said you’d pick me up from Tubbo’s at ten and it’s, uh, one pm now.” Tommy’s voice was unbearably loud in Wilbur’s ear. 

“Fuck. Shit. Alright, just… fuck, just gimme a bit to wake up. I’ll be there soon.” He sighed, sitting upright in bed.

“Okay! Take your time, Tubbo’s showing me how to make friendship bracelets, so there’s no rush.” 

“Mhm. See you then.” Wilbur hung up. He groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Fucking Christ, where do you keep your aspirin?” He asked, pushing Schlatt’s shoulder.

The other grumbled in response and lazily batted his hand away.

“Schlatt. Come on. I need to go pick Tommy up, fucking get up.” He pushed his shoulder again.

Schlatt groaned and sat up, then flopped over onto Wilbur’s lap. “Alright, ‘m up. Whaddaya want?” He asked, looking up at his friend through half lidded eyes.

“Aspirin. I need to go pick Tommy up and if he figures out I’m hungover I’m fucking done.” 

“I can do ya one better. Actually kill the pain.” Schlatt offered, smirking up at him.

Wilbur blinked. “What… what do you mean?”

“I just got a bunch of morphine. If you want some, I’ll give you a discount.” He said, reaching up and twirling one of Wilbur’s curls on his finger.

“…I mean, would it be safe to drive?” Wilbur asked, ignoring the discomfort rising with Schlatt’s eyes on him.

“Dude, you’ve driven on whippits. People take morphine as like, medication. You’ll be fine.” Schlatt laughed, reaching both hands up to scratch Wilbur’s hair. 

He paused, letting his eyes slip closed at the pleasant sensation. Then he shook his head and moved Schlatt’s hands away from him.  
“No, I shouldn’t have done that anyway. Will you just let me hit your pen before I head out?” He asked, looking down at his lap where his friend looked up at him.

Schlatt snorted. “Jesus Christ, man, you’re such a freeloader. You can hit it. I’m gonna get in the shower”, he said, getting up and stretching his arms above his head, “if you’re not gone before I get out I’m making you pay me for the blunt from last night.”

“You’re a bad friend, you know that?” Wilbur scoffed, getting up and pulling his once discarded shirt over his head.

“Nah, you’re just jealous you don’t make bank like me. I’ll see ya later.” Schlatt said, heading off to the bathroom.

Wilbur waited for him to leave before he started rummaging around the bed, looking for the pen. He found it under one of the pillows and took a long hit, coughing a bit before putting it on the bedside table. Schlatt’s parents wouldn’t care if they saw it. In a haze, he pulled his jacket, beanie, and shoes on before heading out the front door. 

He sat in the car, letting the old machine warm up against the frost outside. He stared ahead, taking a few breaths. He was actually fairly high, he noted.

To: tommy 

hey im omw be outside in like five mins

He checked behind him as he pulled out, then went on his way to Tubbo’s house.  
Then he was at Tubbo’s house.

“Hey, Wil! Look at this, Tubbo made it for me!” Suddenly Tommy was in his car, shoving his wrist in his face.

Wilbur blinked and let himself catch back up to his surroundings, staring at the bracelet in front of him. “Uh, yeah, that’s cool. Can you keep it down a little? I’m just really tired.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Tommy nodded and put his seatbelt on. “So, how was the wife?”

Once again, Wilbur felt himself catch up to reality. “What? What did you just say?”

“Uh, you were at Schlatt’s, right?” Tommy asked, hearing the slight venom in Wilbur’s tone and curling in on himself.

“Did you call him my wife?” Wilbur finally met his eyes.

Tommy stared back like a deer in the headlights. “As… As a joke, yeah.”

“Don’t joke about that, dude. I don’t like him like that.” He grumbled, starting the car again and pulling away from the curb.

“It was just a joke. You seem really… weird today, did something happen?” 

“No, I’m fine.” Wilbur said, eyes dead on the road.

That night, Wilbur sat in his room alone. He stared at his phone and flipped through Tinder, bored with almost every face that crossed his screen. He almost swiped away a cute redhead, but he paused.

Josh L.  
23  
Looking for someone special. 🍃 and booze friendly. Heteroflexible, open to almost anything. Hmu, I talk back :D

Wilbur looked through his photos. He was actually pretty cute. He swiped, and immediately got a match. He hummed a little and moved to his bed, laying down. 

wilbur: hi :) how’s your day going

Josh: Fantastic now that I’m talking to you, gorgeous. How about you?

wilbur: it’s good. winter break and all that

Josh: Oh are you a high schooler?

wilbur: yup, senior year. wbu

Josh: Just finished my bachelor’s, actually. 

wilbur: oh congrats :) what’d you major in?

Josh: Communications! I’m looking to be a journalist :D

wilbur: oh that’s cool

Josh: Hey, I hope I don’t seem too forward, but I wanted to say you’re really pretty. Like, astoundingly pretty. Would you like to come over for dinner?

Wilbur stared at his phone for a moment. Josh did seem really nice, and Phil was just throwing a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner that night.

wilbur: well what would dinner be

Josh: I can order out from anywhere you want, on me. Nothing is too expensive for you :)

He thought it over. He hadn’t had sushi in ages. That would be really nice. Plus, he could probably buy him a drink or something.

wilbur: hmmm… what do you think of sushi

Josh: It sounds perfect. I already have a restaurant in mind.

wilbur: then it’s a date :) promise you’re not actually a creep in his forties?

Josh: Promise. Send me your order and I’ll send you my address. Or do you need to be picked up?

wilbur: i can drive no worries 

Josh: Wonderful. I’ll see you soon then!

Wilbur got out of bed and changed his clothes, putting on a binder and a black turtleneck with black jeans. He pulled his beanie on with black docs and his glasses, then grabbed his keys and wallet and headed out the front door.

“Woah woah woah, where are you going? It’s dark out.” Phil called from the kitchen.

“I’m going to Schlatt’s. I’ll be back tonight or tomorrow or something.” Wilbur said, fiddling with the door knob and glaring back at Phil.

“You were there last night too. Are you planning on spending the rest of winter break there?” He asked.

Wilbur bristled and gritted his teeth, a sudden anger rising in him. “Jesus, I dunno! Maybe? Why do you care?”

Phil raised his hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, have fun. Text me if you need anything, okay?”

“Whatever”, he grumbled, leaving and slamming the door behind him.

Josh ended up living a good half an hour away, but when Wilbur arrived he greeted him at the door. He was taller than Wilbur, and he welcomed him inside.

“God, you’re somehow even more beautiful in person. Come on in, the sushi just got here. Would you like a glass of wine?”

Mentally, Wilbur fist pumped. Free alcohol. Always a win. Almost erased the discomfort of the gendered compliment.

“I’d love one. Should I take my shoes off?” He asked.

“Oh, if it’s not too much trouble.” Josh replied.

The house was lavish, to say the least. High ceilings and white marble countertops. The dining table was set, and Josh completed it with a glass of white wine at the other seat.

“Do you live with your parents?” Wilbur asked, taking a seat.

Josh laughed. “No, no. I moved out when I was eighteen. Do you?”

Wilbur sipped the wine. It was smooth, it tasted expensive. “Uh, yeah. My dad.”

“Mom not in the picture any more?” Josh asked, an eyebrow raised.

“Never was, my dad adopted me on his own.” Wilbur said. 

“Oh, I see. Well go ahead and dig in, I hope it’s up to your standards.” Josh said, taking a bite of his own sushi. 

Later, sitting on the couch together and flipping through Netflix, Josh offered him his vape. 

“Nicotine?” Wilbur asked.

“THC. 38%”, Josh replied.

Wilbur didn’t know how much percent meant what, so he figured it was like Schlatt’s. He took a long hit, and ended up gasping for air.

“You’re okay, bud. Take it easy. Small breaths at first.” Josh laughed a little, patting his back. 

“Jesus fuck, that hurt.” Wilbur coughed, covering his mouth with his elbow. 

“You good now?” Josh asked. 

“Yeah, I’m…” Wilbur trailed off as he felt his body sink backwards into the couch, and his vision started to lag. “Good.”

TRIGGERING CONTENT BEGINS

He couldn’t feel his body at all. He just stared dead ahead, and even that made him dizzy. Suddenly, he became aware that he was laying down. He was looking at the ceiling. He felt careful hands pull his turtleneck off, then his binder.

“…beautiful, you know that?” 

Wilbur blinked, which only made him dizzier. What was happening? He couldn’t remember where he was. Suddenly he felt something on his chest. He looked down, and saw a blurry, wavy man holding his breasts. Something sank in his stomach as he realised what was happening was very, very wrong.

“Are you… touching my boobs?” He asked, his voice slow and slurred.

The man looked him in the eye. “Do you not want me to?”

Wilbur blinked in confusion. Did he not want him to? What did he want? It felt wrong, but if the other man wanted it… was it really his place to deny him that?

“Um… it’s fine, I think. Are you okay with it?” He asked, time’s slow movement only dragging out the horror in his mind.

“I’m okay with it. You’re so beautiful, Wilbur.” The man kissed him, then. And Wilbur felt himself dissolve even more than before, until there was nothing left but smoke where a man once was.

He woke up in a bed much fancier than his or Schlatt’s. He was still in his jeans, which he thanked god for. He barely remembered the night previous, but beside the bed was a neatly folded stack of his turtleneck, binder, beanie and glasses. He quickly put it all on and checked that his wallet and phone were still in his pockets. They were. He left the room and looked around before heading downstairs. 

“Good morning, beautiful. Did you sleep well?” A voice called from the kitchen.

Wilbur froze, and suddenly felt himself float away from his body again.  
“Uh, yeah. I’m gonna head out now, sorry. My dad wants me home.”

Josh appeared around the corner. “Oh, okay. Hey, did I make you uncomfortable last night?” He asked, gently taking one of Wilbur’s hands.

Wilbur stared at his hand. “Uh, no. I was just… um… a little too high.” 

“Yeah, that much was obvious.” Josh laughed. “You could barely keep your eyes open.” He pulled Wilbur closer, and before he knew what was happening, they were kissing again.  
“Will I see you again soon, beauty?” Josh asked, looking into Wilbur’s eyes.

He swallowed a lump in his throat and prayed his blinking would keep the tears at bay. “Um, maybe.” He forced a smile. “It was really nice, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Drive safe, okay?” Josh opened the door for him.

“Mhm, thanks.” Wilbur nodded and left, pulling his beanie further over his ears.

TRIGGERING CONTENT ENDS

“Hey, Wilbur! Do you wanna play bedwars with me? Techno is still asleep.” Tommy was on him almost as soon as he got home. He felt like he was still high, he was so far away from his body.

“No, I’m tired right now. I’m gonna go sleep for a bit longer.” Wilbur said, pushing past him.

“Aw, come on, I’ve barely seen you recently!” Tommy said, pulling his sleeve.

Wilbur froze, then yanked his hand away from his younger brother. “Don’t fucking touch me, Tommy!” He shouted, glaring down at him.

Tommy stared up at him with wide eyes. “Okay, sorry.” He said, his voice uncharacteristically soft.

He felt a pang of guilt, but he ignored it and stormed upstairs. He slammed the door and locked it, then buried his face in his pillows and sobbed. He was quiet. He was very, very careful to be quiet. His whole body felt like it was on fire. He was distantly aware that he was having a panic attack, but he couldn’t muster the control to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	3. talk to me baby come here get away from me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there is talk of rape in this chapter so watch out

The world was beginning to sway pleasantly, and Wilbur capped the bottle and returned it to the space under his bed frame. He took a deep breath and pulled out his phone. It was only 10:34 AM. He laughed a little at that, this was definitely the earliest he’d gotten plastered. He could still feel the man’s hands on him, though. His smile faded. 

It felt wrong. That was the closest way he could think to describe it. It felt deeply, terribly wrong. He stared at the ceiling as he felt tears sting his eyes. He pulled at his binder a little, making sure it was still in place. It felt comforting to him, like a shield that would keep unwanted touches away. The pressure he had always found annoying felt safe now. He took a shuddering breath and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get rid of the feeling of the man’s hands on his body. The feeling persisted nonetheless. 

He got up suddenly, a wave of nausea hitting him. He needed to be around someone he trusted. He pulled his phone out and looked for Schlatt’s number.

“Hey, Wilbur. What’s up?” 

Wilbur wiped his eyes and tried to steady his voice. “I… um, could I come over? Or could you come over? Anythin’ works, I jus’ wanna see you.”

A sharp laugh. “Are you drunk? It’s not even noon, dude! I’m busy today, find someone else to bother.”

Wilbur felt the lump in his throat grow. “Okay. See you later.” He said, hanging up the call. He took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself, but a second later he broke down sobbing. He covered his mouth, trying to muffle the sound. 

Fuck. Fucking idiot. He should have known better than to go to a stranger’s house anyway, what was he thinking? He curled up on his bed, pulling his hair sharply. He had done this to himself. He got up, stumbling a little and wiped his eyes to his best ability.

He pounded twice on the bathroom door. “Hurry up”, he said, barely keeping the slur out of his voice.

He heard a tiny gasp on the other side, then Techno’s strained voice. “Uh, gimme a second.”

“I need to take a shower, lemme in”, Wilbur shouted, pounding on the door again.

“Just wait a second, okay? I’ll be out soon!” Techno responded, his voice wavering.

Wilbur groaned and let his head fall back against the wall. “Christ, how long does it take to fucking shit?”

“Is there a line right now?” Tommy asked, appearing in the hall and making Wilbur jump.

“Fuck, you scared me. I gotta take a shower, an’ Techno’s in there takin’ forever an’ a day.” Wilbur slurred, rolling his eyes.

Tommy looked at him with an expression on his face he hadn’t seen before. “Okay”, he said. He sniffed the air, then his expression soured. “Are you drinking?”

Wilbur’s heart sank. Fucking moron, getting wasted at ten in the morning. No fucking wonder even his fourteen year old brother could catch on. “No, what’re you talking about?” Wilbur scoffed.

Tommy stood on his toes, sniffing closer to Wilbur’s face. “You smell like alcohol”, he said, his face a cross facade to hide his fear.

Wilbur scowled and pushed him away. “No I don’t, Tommy. Fuck off.”

“Fuck- Wilbur, don’t push me!” Tommy squawked, backing up defensively. 

“Don’t accuse me of stupid shit, then!” Wilbur shouted, pushing him again. It happened in a flash- Tommy tried to hit his hands away, Wilbur’s rage sparked, and the next thing he felt was the palm of his hand stinging his brother’s face.

Tommy’s eyes were filled with tears in seconds.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He cried, wiping his eyes and scrambling away from him.

“What the hell just happened?” Techno demanded as he shut the bathroom door behind him.

“He hit me! He fucking pushed me and then he hit me!” Tommy sobbed, pointing at Wilbur with shaking hands.

“What?! Wilbur, is he telling the truth?” Techno asked, looking Wilbur in the eye. The two were the same height, and Techno was far more physically intimidating than his older brother. Their faces were barely a foot apart, and when Wilbur spoke, Techno could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“He’s fucking lying, Tech. I- I accidentally hit him. It was an accident.” Wilbur insisted, barely stable on his feet.

“What is wrong with you?” Techno asked, his voice less angry and more heartbroken.

Wilbur snapped. He shoved Techno into the wall with a shout and tried to hit him, but his brother easily took control and socked him in the jaw and pinned his wrists behind his back. Wilbur screamed, the feeling of hands on him sending fire through his veins. He writhed against his brother’s grip, shrieking and kicking and sobbing profanities. 

“Stop, stop! I d-don’t want you to t-touch me!” He screamed, tears blurring his vision. “Let me go, fucking let me go, d-don’t fucking touch me!” He sobbed, falling to his knees. 

Techno realised the situation had more layers than he thought, and he tightened his grip. “Tommy, back up. Call dad, get him home.” He said, making pointed eye contact with the younger.

“No, no, no, no! Don’t tell Phil, please! Please!” Wilbur cried, crumpling over. “Please don’t tell him, please, please, I’ll do anything”, he sobbed, his face burning against the carpet.

Techno paused, thinking. “…okay, Tommy, just back up for now. I’m gonna let him go, I don’t think he’s going to attack us again.”

Tommy nodded and did as he was told, eyes wide as he watched his brother break down in Techno’s arms. 

“Wilbur, listen to me. If I let you go, are you going to hit anyone?” Techno asked, his grip on Wilbur’s wrists iron tight.

Wilbur shook his head, snivelling and choking back sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I won’t hurt anyone, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to, please stop touching me. Please.”

Techno glanced at Tommy cautiously, then looked back down at Wilbur and gently let go. Wilbur pulled himself into a sitting position and brought his knees to his chest, curling into a ball.

“Why did you hit Tommy?” Techno asked, eyeing Wilbur carefully.

“I’m… ‘m not drunk”, he sniffled, pulling his beanie over his hair.

“Wilbur, I’m gonna be honest, if you hit Tommy while completely sober, I’m gonna break your fuckin’ ribs. You better have an explanation.” Techno drawled, glaring at his brother.

Wilbur sniffled and buried his face in his arms. “I’m sorry. Please don’t tell Phil. I’m sorry, I really am. I’m just- I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Tommy.” 

Tommy stared at him from a few feet away. “Why are you drunk?” He asked, wiping his eyes.

Wilbur was quiet for a while. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Techno and Tommy shared a look. “I would rather you talked to us about your problems than you beat up Tommy over them”, Techno said.

“I really d-don’t wanna talk about it.” Wilbur mumbled.

“Wilbur, unless you’re like, actually having an awful time right now, I’m gonna tell Phil that you hit Tommy. We’re giving you a chance to defend yourself here, do you get that?” Techno sighed.

For a few minutes, the brothers sat in the hallway in silence. 

“I met this guy Josh on tinder”, Wilbur slurred, wiping his eyes. “Last night. And I went to his house, and we…” he took a shaky breath, running his hands over his face.  
“He… touched me. And I- I didn’t- I didn’t want h-him to”, he started to sob again, harsh, wrecked cries that shook his body like earthquakes.

“Shit”, Techno muttered. 

“Yeah… Christ”, Tommy agreed.

“Do you… want to call the cops?” Techno asked. 

Wilbur shook his head frantically. “I just want to t-take a shower. I f-feel dirty”, he sobbed, trying his best to calm his breathing again.

“Okay”, Techno nodded and stood up. “Do you need help up?”

Wilbur shook his head again and stood up using the wall behind him. “I’m really sorry, Tommy”, he mumbled.

Tommy looked at him with a mix of sympathy and cautiousness. “It’s… it’s okay. Just don’t do it again”, he said, taking a shaky breath.

Wilbur nodded. “Never.” He wiped his eyes and went to the bathroom, stumbling a bit. 

By the time school started up again a few days later, his brothers had gotten used to an almost permanent state of drunkenness from Wilbur. They didn’t comment on it, not until they all sat in Wilbur’s car, waiting for him to drive them to school. When Wilbur stumbled out from the house and missed the ignition a few times, Techno took the keys out of his hand. 

“You shouldn’t be driving if you’re drunk”, Techno said, holding the keys away from his brother.

Wilbur glared and tried to snatch them back, but Techno was easily faster. “I’m not drunk, I’m just tired. Gimme.”

“I can literally see a bottle of vodka in your backpack”, Techno deadpanned, glancing down at it.

He gritted his teeth and tried to swipe the keys again. Techno was faster. “Fucking hell, Tech, I’ve done this before. Give them. It’s literally a fifteen minute drive, it’s fine.”

“I’m gonna call Fundy to pick us up. You can drive yourself, I’m not lettin’ Tommy get in a car wreck because you’re being stupid.” Techno said, pulling his phone out. 

“It’s fucking fine, Techno! Give me my keys!” Wilbur shouted, trying to grab them again. Techno pulled them away, putting the phone to his ear. 

“Hey, Fundy? Could you drive us to school today? Yeah, Wilbur’s feelin’ under the weather.” Techno said, fixing a glare at his older brother.

“I’m perfectly fucking capable, Techno. Give me the keys”, Wilbur whispered, a harsh noise from gritted teeth.

“Thank you, it means a lot. I’ll see you in ten.” Techno hung up. “Tommy, get out of the car. Wilbur can drive himself to school.” He said, handing the keys back to Wilbur.

“Fucking Christ, overreacting son of a bitch”, Wilbur grumbled, missing the ignition a few times before starting the car. Techno stepped out and closed the door, then looked back and paused. He opened the back door.

“Tommy, get out.” He deadpanned.

Tommy shook his head. 

“Tommy, get out of the car. This isn’t safe.” Techno ordered.

Tommy shook his head again. “If Wilbur wants to die he has to kill me too.” He said, his voice cracking on every word.

The other two froze. Techno’s fists balled. “Do you see what you’re doing, Wilbur? What you’re doing to Tommy?”

“Get out of the car, Tommy.” Wilbur sighed.

“No! You’re going to get in a car accident and you’re going to die, if you die I want to die too!” Tommy cried, leaning away from the both of them. 

“Get out of the fucking car, Tommy!” Wilbur swung around, shouting at his younger brother.

“Don’t yell at him, Wilbur! He’s fuckin’ worried about you!” Techno shouted back.

“I don’t need you guys to be worried about me! I’m fucking fine, now get out of the car!” Wilbur yelled, glaring at Tommy.

“No! I’m not going to let you kill yourself!” He cried, backing away from Wilbur even further.

“Why not?!” Wilbur shouted. The car fell into silence. Techno and Tommy stared at him, eyes wide. The seconds passed like years, the quiet, distraught breathing of the three the only sound for miles. 

“Tommy, get out of the car. Wilbur, turn the car off and get out too.” Techno said.

Wilbur stared at the steering wheel for a moment. He took a deep breath, then turned the car off and grabbed his backpack, getting out. Tommy followed suit.

“Fundy will drive us to school. Wilbur, eat a mint and zip up your backpack. Tommy, go inside and wash your face. No one is going to tell anyone about this, okay? We’ll deal with this when we get home tonight.” Techno said, his already tired voice dripping with exhaustion.

Tommy nodded and stood up, going back inside. Wilbur took out a piece of gum and zipped his backpack up.

“You need to talk to someone.” Techno said.

“I’m fine”, Wilbur mumbled. 

“No, you’re not. Talk to Schlatt or Niki or something, otherwise I’m telling dad you need a therapist.” He said.

Wilbur was quiet after that. Tommy joined them again a minute later, and soon after that Fundy and Tubbo arrived. The car was loud, Tommy and Tubbo’s shrieks of laughter bouncing off the walls. A keen eye could tell Tommy was more reserved than usual, and a thin layer of tension surrounded the brothers. 

Techno gave Wilbur a sharp look as they left to their respective classes. Wilbur pulled his beanie over his ears. 

“Wilbur, how goes it, my man?” Schlatt grinned, throwing an arm over his friend’s shoulder. 

“Awful”, Wilbur mumbled.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Schlatt asked, taking a bite of his pizza. 

“Just stuff”, Wilbur sighed.

“Aw come on, you can do better than that. If your day is bad enough I’ll let you hit my pen.” Schlatt elbowed his side, grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

Wilbur thought it over. If he could just tell Techno he talked to Schlatt about it, he might get off his ass.

“Over winter break, I hooked up with this guy Josh.” Wilbur muttered.

Schlatt gasped. “You’re pregnant?”

“No! We didn’t- no! We didn’t do anything like that. It was just… bad. I wasn’t really into it. I didn’t want it to happen.” Wilbur said, pulling his knees to his chest. 

Schlatt studied him for a moment. “So… did he rape you or something?” 

Wilbur tensed, his face starting to feel like static. “No, I just didn’t like it. We didn’t do anything below the belt, he just… h-he touched my chest, and stuff. I was just really high, I shouldn’t have gotten that high. I don’t think he meant to.”

“You were high?” Schlatt asked.

Wilbur nodded.

“Was he high?” 

Wilbur hesitated, then shrugged. “I dunno. I didn’t see him hit it. I think it was just me.”

Schlatt paused. “That’s shitty. He shouldn’t have been doing anything if you were high and he wasn’t. Did you say no?”

Wilbur shook his head. “I didn’t want to make him upset”, he muttered, voice barely above a whisper. 

“…you said his name was Josh? Did you get a last name?” Schlatt asked, his voice bordering on something dangerous. 

“No, I don’t- I don’t want anything to happen to him. I don’t think he meant to.” Wilbur insisted, sniffling and wiping his eyes.

Schlatt stared at him for a while. “Are you sure? I feel like this guy kinda has it coming.”

“I’m sure”, Wilbur nodded. His hands felt like static. His heart was racing. “I, um, need to use the restroom. I’ll be back.” He said, grabbing his backpack and hurrying off to one of the buildings.

He felt the panic attack really set in as he unscrewed the cap of the bottle, his hands shaking and his eyes blurring with tears. He took long swigs, desperately, and took a few deep breaths to let the feeling wash over him. It was okay. He was safe. He didn’t have to think about it if he couldn’t think.

The following classes were a blur. He pretended he was tired so no one would ask questions, and when the last bell rang he met his brothers by the front gate. He sat next to Techno, quietly looking at the ground.

“I talked to Schlatt about it”, he mumbled. 

Techno looked over at him. “Yeah? Are you doing okay?” 

Wilbur nodded.

“Okay. Can you make a promise to me?” He asked.

Wilbur met his eyes. “What?”

“Don’t ever drive drunk again. Even tipsy.” He said, holding out his pinky finger. “For me and Tommy. Please.”

Wilbur felt the words sink and weigh down his chest, but he nodded and pinky swore. “I promise”, he mumbled.

Techno sighed in relief. “Thank you.” 

Fundy drove them home, and Tubbo stayed over to hang out with Tommy. 

Wilbur sat alone in his room, staring at his phone. The room was dark, his usually minimalist design a wreck of dirty clothes and trash. He could hear Tommy and Tubbo laughing downstairs, the sound muffled by the walls. He turned his phone off and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, feeling the pressure of his binder reassure him. 

Alone in his room, he could almost forget the feeling of another man’s hands on his chest.

Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	4. photographs with no names more items are left with every crash of the grey waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they play dnd :) also warning schlatt says the f slur in this. this chapter is 1.5k words ish and im like omg... im failing.. its so short. but then i see some of yall read 300 word fics and im like. alright i can post this (no hate there's some good short fics out there)

It only got worse, really. 

Wilbur woke up with a headache cracking through his mind, and he ran to the restroom to vomit. 

Schlatt laughed. “You gotta stop going so hard on the booze, man. Your liver’s gonna fall out of your ass at this rate.” He was sat on the bed, scrolling through something on his phone and occasionally hitting his vape.

“Fuck off”, Wilbur spat, his throat raw. He stood up, shakily, and wiped his mouth.

“Should I be worried about you?” Schlatt asked, glancing up from his phone.

“No”, Wilbur scowled. He started digging around in Schlatt’s backpack, looking for something to ease the pain. His fingers brushed against hard plastic and his heart stopped.  
“What the fuck?”

“Wha?” Schlatt looked over, raising an eyebrow. He chuckled when he saw the gun in Wilbur’s hand. “What, you only ever seen ‘em in movies?”

“Why do you have this? This is fucking dangerous, Schlatt!” Wilbur put it back, wiping his hand on his shirt as if it had left some residue of a threatened life.

Schlatt just laughed and hit his vape. “Don’t freak out, Wil. God, you’re such a pussy. It’s just so people don’t steal from me.”

Wilbur stared at him, a look on his face like he was seeing a new person. “Don’t you think this is getting out of hand?”

“I don’t see you complaining when you’re drinking my fucking Lagavulin.” Schlatt’s tone left a mark on Wilbur’s cheek.

He wanted to say something back. He also didn’t want to push his luck. He turned his attention back to his friend’s backpack. “Is there anything in here that’ll get rid of my headache?”

“Yeah, lots. I don’t think you’d go for it, though. You’re better off sticking to booze and weed.” Schlatt shrugged.

“Why do you say that?”

Schlatt laughed. “You have like, a textbook addictive personality.”

Wilbur hesitated. He hadn’t ever thought of any of this as addictive. “Do I?”

“Yeah, dude. Plus, I’d have to actually charge you for anything stronger than booze and weed. And you don’t have a job.” Schlatt sighed, finally getting out of bed and stretching his arms above his head. 

“A few weeks ago you were basically begging me to try morphine. The fuck changed your mind?” Wilbur asked, irritation starting to rise in his chest.

“Tubbo showed up to one of my tutoring sessions for government. Said their older brother had to drive you and your brothers to school because you were drunk.” Schlatt said, pulling his jacket on.  
“Does that sound familiar, Wil? Drunk at six in the morning on a school day? So drunk you couldn’t drive?” Schlatt made eye contact with him, then. Wilbur wished he hadn’t. Schlatt was the only person left that he thought wouldn’t judge him. The look on his face proved otherwise.

Wilbur cast his gaze away. “I’m gonna go home”, he said, standing up and putting his beanie on. 

“Uh huh. That’s what I thought.” Schlatt huffed.

He was vaguely aware it was a Saturday. It wasn’t until he got home that he remembered, courtesy of Tommy pounding on his door. 

“Wil, are you in there? Dream has been saying he can’t reach you! D&D starts in thirteen minutes!” His younger brother’s shrill voice filled his head. 

Wilbur buried his face in his hands for a moment, then took a deep breath. “I’ll be ready to go in five minutes, tell him we’re gonna be late.” 

“Will do!” Tommy said, and Wilbur heard his footsteps rush back down the hall. 

He stood and dig around in his backpack for a moment, sighing with relief when he found his pen. It was one of Schlatt’s old ones, and as much as his friend gave him shit, he was very willing to enable Wilbur to any degree he liked. Wilbur wondered if there was a reason for that. Schlatt didn’t spend money on anyone but him. 

He pushed the thought out of his head with a deep hit, then changed into a clean outfit. Dream had a rule that they had to have at least one accessory their character would wear, so he pulled on the dark trench coat he’d gotten from a secondhand shop years ago. He was fairly invested in Dream’s campaign, and despite his exhaustion he found himself excited for the day’s session.

“Tommy, Techno! We’re leaving!” He shouted out to the house as he laced up his docs. 

“Where are you boys heading?” Phil asked, looking up from the couch. 

“Dream’s house, D&D is today.” Wilbur said, readjusting his beanie.

“Ah, is this the one where you all have countries?” Phil grinned.

Wilbur scoffed. “Yeah, well, we used to. Tommy and Techno and I have a refuge, but Schlatt kicked us out. Shit- actually, I wonder if he remembered.” He fished out his phone and dialled Schlatt’s number.

“The fuck do you want?”

“We have D&D today, are you coming?”

“Ugh, god, that nerd shit. Fuck, alright. Tell Dream I’ll be late.” 

“Okay, I will. Hey, do you wanna hang out after?”

“…uh, no, I can’t. Sorry. I’ve got like, a meeting thing.” Schlatt’s voice wavered.

Wilbur paused, watching Tommy race down the stairs and Techno slowly trudge after him.

“Okay. Hey, if you need anything, I’m here for you. You know that, right?”

“Hah, fucking faggot. I’ll see you at Dream’s.” The call ended.

“Who was on the phone?” Tommy asked, leaning forward from the back seat after doing his seat belt. He was sporting a red bandana around his neck, per Dream’s dressing up rule.

“Schlatt, I was just making sure he’d be at D&D.” Wilbur said, looking past Tommy as he backed out of the driveway.

“Do you think George will show up today?” Tommy asked.

Techno scoffed. “I’d bet against it.”

“How much?” 

“Ten bucks.”

“Seven.”

“You have yourself a deal, sir.” Techno turned around slightly to shake his brother’s hand. Techno was wearing a mask that resembled a boar’s skull and a crown, both of which Dream had made for him.

“Tommy, am I a- am I a bad- am I a villain?” Wilbur asked, his voice breaking at the words.

Tommy paused, looking at his brother. He hesitated, watching the glint of honesty in Wilbur’s eyes.

“No.” 

“Why not?” 

He looked like he was asking for something like he was asking for forgiveness. Tommy blinked and shook his head, trying to reset his brain. This wasn’t about real life. This was fictional, if Wilbur wanted to have this conversation, he would need to take it seriously.

“Because we started L’Manburg, and… and we should have won that vote.”

Just like that, the honesty dissipated from Wilbur’s eyes. He was back in character. He slipped back into his role with ease, the break going unnoticed by everyone else at the table.

Tommy almost despised him for it.

Techno ended up staying at Dream’s for a sleepover. Sapnap and George hadn’t shown up, so for once he felt welcomed.

Which left Tommy and Wilbur alone in the car.

It was quiet at first, Wilbur offered Tommy the aux and he declined it.

There was a thickness in the air, something filling their lungs and clouding their minds.

“You’re not a bad guy, Wilbur.” Tommy was the first to speak.

Wilbur tensed. He kept his eyes on the road.  
“That was just my character, Toms.”

“Was it?”

“Does it matter?”

“I feel like it does.”

“Well, it doesn’t.”

“Why won’t you talk to us?”

“Because I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“Tommy, drop it.”

“We just want to help, Wil! You keep-“

“Drop it.”

“-pushing us away, and we’re trying our best-“

“Drop it, Tommy.”

“-to be there for you, but you just keep-“

“Tommy!” Wilbur shouted, glaring at his brother. “If I say I’m fine, I’m fucking fine! I don’t need you or Techno’s help, you guys are fucking kids and you don’t understand anything I’m going through. You couldn’t even begin to understand. Stop fucking bothering me about this, okay? Just because we’re related by some stupid fucking legal documents doesn’t mean you get to know every little detail of my fucking life, okay? Christ!” 

He glared at the road. He ignored Tommy’s uneven breathing and sniffles. 

When they got home, he went to his room, and Tommy went to his.

He punched his wall until his knuckles were red and bloody. He didn’t even make a dent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	5. angel, i'll be your guardian if you'll be mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhhhhhh shit welcome to hell guys nut up or shut up aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh let it rain blood and bones
> 
> btw heavy heavy tw for physical violence this chapter :^)

Techno settled into Dream’s bed, letting out a small sigh. His bed was bigger than Techno’s and it had two inches of memory foam. It seemed excessive to everyone but the two of them.

“What did you think of today’s session?” Dream asked, sitting down beside him. The bed sank with the weight of him, and Techno readjusted so he didn’t fall in towards his friend. They had compared their bodies once, and they found that they were roughly the same weight. Dream was all muscle, built on years of running track and hobbyist parkour. Dream was taller, too, and Techno often found himself taking advantage of that to rest his head on his chest. 

Techno had found comfort in the physical touch of his friend after last year, and Dream had never once turned him away. On Dream’s bed, in his messy room illuminated in green LED, he could feel himself relax like he hadn’t in ages.

“Tech?” Dream asked again, looking at him.

“Oh, sorry. What was the question?” Techno asked, blinking to force himself into focus.

“What did you think of today’s session?” 

“It was really cool, I like that Wilbur is going crazy.” He huffed a laugh. “I mean, I kinda like it. It feels a little familiar at this point, though.”

Dream raised an eyebrow. “What’s that mean?” He leaned back on the pillows, opening his arms as an invitation.

Techno accepted it gratefully, resting his head on Dream’s shoulder and pulling the other’s arm over himself. “Ugh, it’s just… he’s obviously goin’ through something right now. Somethin’ happened to him over winter break, and now he’s just…”

“Crazy?”

Techno laughed. “Yeah, a little. I’d say more reckless, though. Spirallin’, somethin’ like that.”

Dream let Techno play with his hand, tracing patterns into his skin.  
“What’s he doing?”

He was quiet for a few moments. “He’s been drunk almost every day. He hit Tommy.”

Dream’s steady breathing halted, and Techno looked up to read his expression. It was horrified.

“What the fuck? Are you serious?”

“Yeah”, Techno muttered, watching his friend’s face as it flashed to anger.

“That’s fucking horrible, what the hell?! Did you tell Phil?” Dream’s voice had slipped from his regular facade to a cracked, raw tone.

“No, but I socked him in the jaw. He hasn’t tried anything like it again. He doesn’t want Phil to know, and I like to think we’re all entitled to our secrets.” 

“It doesn’t matter what he’s going through, he should never hit his little brother!”

Techno scoffed. “I mean, I can’t blame him that much. Tommy is very hittable.”

Dream looked at him with a serious expression. Techno felt his guts coil around themselves. “Bad joke?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

Techno hated the silence that followed. Dream was warm, and what had felt comforting seconds ago felt like hot shame now. 

He always hated silence with Dream. He loved it on his own, but with Dream it came with anger. An anger that settling on his skin like a layer of ash, fallen from a plume of smoke.

He was stirred from his thoughts when Dream got out of the bed, untangling himself from Techno and the sheets.

“Let’s go on the roof”, he said, offering his hand.

Techno stared at it. Dream’s voice was kind now, an olive branch bending in the wind.  
“It’s cold out, I only have what I’m wearing.”

“You can wear my hoodie.” His hand didn’t waver.

Techno took his hand. Dream held it until Techno had to put the green hoodie on, then he took it again and helped him out the window. 

The roof was steep, but Dream and his gentle, warm hand kept Techno steady until they sat at the top. 

Cars rushed by in the distance, all painting the sky with beams and dots of light. Techno took a shuddering breath and lied down, staring up at the sky. Dream followed suit, still hand in hand.

“I smoked a cigarette the other day.” Techno said.

Dream looked over. “Why?”

“I wanted to know what it felt like”, he shrugged.

“And how did it feel?”

“It didn’t feel like I was puttin’ smoke in my lungs, it felt like I was lettin’ smoke out for the first time.”

Dream didn’t say anything to that. He looked back up at the stars. 

“Do you ever get that feelin’? Like there used to be a fire inside you, but now it’s just smouldering away? Fillin’ you up with smoke?”

Dream watched a plane overhead. Tiny blinking lights, quietly crossing the sky.  
“No, the only time I feel the fire inside me is when someone pours in gasoline. Then I feel it through my whole body.”

“I think you’re like the sun.”

“One day I’m gonna explode and kill everyone?” Dream teased.

Techno scoffed. “No, you’re… fiery. You’re full of passion. I think you’re so full of emotions it burns you.”

Dream stared at him. Techno shifted his head and looked into his eyes.

“What would that make you?”

“I think that would make me dark matter.”

“Blocking out the stars?”

“Not intentionally. It’s just in my nature”, Techno whispered.

Techno studied his friend’s face. In the dark, illuminated only by the moon, his green eyes looked grey. His freckles looked like stars. Techno wished he could live among those stars.

Dream returned the favor. Techno’s face was round like the moon, chubby cheeks and hooded eyelids framing dark brown eyes. Dream reached out a hand and gently, ever so carefully, pushed Techno’s faded pink bangs behind his ear. 

“You’re beautiful”, he whispered.

Techno felt his face redden in the moonlight. He felt his heart skip a beat, and he felt his eyes sting in threat of tears.

Then he felt a cold, wet droplet hit his cheek. Then his leg. Then he saw one land on Dream’s nose.

“It’s rainin’.” Techno said.

“We should go inside”, Dream said.

The two did not go inside. Techno rested his forehead on Dream’s, closing his eyes.

“You two are soaking! Dry yourselves off before you catch pneumonia!” Dream’s mother worried over them, handing them towels. 

Dream grinned at Technoblade, and Techno grinned back. They started laughing, quiet at first, then bursting with joy. 

“Stupid. So stupid”, Dream chided, drying off his hair with the towel.

“You started it”, Techno shrugged, a smirk still pulling at his lip. 

Dream’s mom left the bedroom, leaving the two alone. 

“Here, borrow some of my clothes. I don’t want you getting my bed wet.” Dream pulled a t shirt and sweats out of his drawers. The t shirt was for some folk punk band Dream had played for him a few times. 

“You should take your binder off, too. I don’t mean that in a creepy way, you’ve just been here for like ten hours now and you’ve been wearing it the whole time.” Dream said, changing into a t shirt and basketball shorts.

Techno laughed. “I know you don’t mean it in a creepy way. Can I use your bathroom to change?” 

Dream nodded and gestured to it. “All yours.”

When Techno woke up, it was still raining outside. It was brighter though, so he assumed it was the morning.

He pulled his binder on and put the band shirt back on, then headed downstairs. 

“Good morning”, Dream said. 

“Good mornin’. Where’s your family?”

“Church. It’s a Sunday.” 

“Oh. You don’t have to go?”

“Usually I do, but they made an exception because I have a friend over.”

“What are you cookin’?”

“Hashbrowns and eggs. Would you like me to do sausages too?” Dream asked, bringing Techno a cup of coffee as he sat at the kitchen island.

“Oh, uh, I’m alright.” Techno said. Dream nodded and went back to cooking.  
“Do you believe in it?”

“What, sausages?”

Techno scoffed. “No, like, Christianity.”

Dream thought on that for a while. He served the hashbrowns and eggs, and sat at the island with Technoblade.  
“I don’t believe in the bible, no. I do believe there’s a god, though.”

“Do you think he’s kind?” Techno asked.

Dream didn’t have an answer for that.

“Wilbur probably wouldn’t be able to pick you up, huh?” Dream and Techno sat on the living room couch, watching old episodes of Adventure Time.

“I doubt it.”

“You’re welcome to stay until Phil can pick you up.”

“I can’t say I’ll be very entertainin’.”

“I’m not friends with you for entertainment, Techno.”

Techno averted his eyes. He was quiet for a moment. “We should do somethin’.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno. An adventure, y’know?”

“We could go to the creek.”

“The creek?”

“The creek in the hiking trails. There’s crawdads and frogs.”

“I’ve never been.”

“Then we should go”, Dream grinned.

The creek was shrouded in oak trees all the way along the trail ridden ravine it sat in, deep pools of water bled into trickling streams that weaved between rocks and logs. The rain had stopped hours ago, and golden sunlight filtered through the leaves. It was serene.

“Do you want to swim?” Dream asked, a playful grin dancing on his face.

“What? I don’t have any swim trunks or anythin’, how would that work?”

“I brought a change of clothes.”

“You planned this.”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t find it necessary to tell me?”

“It’s your first time here. I want it to be special.”

Techno stared as Dream pulled his shirt and his jeans off, leaving himself in only boxers. 

“I’ll go in first, prove it’s not deadly.” Dream grinned and took a running leap into one of the deep pools. His head popped up a moment later, breaking the water’s surface with a laugh.  
“Come on in, the water’s fine!”

Techno stood still. He was wearing boxers and a sports bra, he could swim if he wanted to. He didn’t want Dream to ask questions, though.

“Are you okay?” Dream asked, swimming closer to the bank.

“I… I dunno. I do want to swim.”

“What’s stopping you?”

Techno stared at the ground. “Stuff.”

“Dysphoria?”

“No.”

Dream looked up at him, his brows furrowed. What could be stopping him from swimming? He knew Techno was capable, they’d been to the beach together several times that summer.

Then it clicked.

“Are you cutting again?”

Techno felt his ears ring. He sat down, pulling his knees to his chest. He felt his heart rate pick up, and he watched his vision unfocus.

“…in, out. Good. Can you tell me the colors of three things you see?” Dream’s voice pulled him down, gentle and slow.

“Uh… brown dirt. Yellow leaves. Green eyes.” Techno said, taking a shuddering breath.

“Good, really good. What can you feel?”

“There’s a pebble under my butt. I can feel the wind. My shoulder is wet.”

“Oh, sorry.” Dream took his hand off Techno’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. That um… happens sometimes.”

“I know, Techno. I’m sorry I triggered you. I won’t tell anyone, and you don’t have to swim if you don’t want to.” Dream assured him.

Techno shook his head and wiped his eyes. “No, I want to swim. Please just don’t look. Or tell anyone.”

“Of course. Anything you need.” Dream said. “You can also swim in the sweatpants, if you want. I don’t mind them getting wet.”

“It’s okay, I’m fine as long as you don’t stare.” Techno said, pulling his shirt and the sweats off. 

He took a deep breath, steadying himself. Then he ran forward and dived into the water.

“Thank you for lettin’ me hang out for so long”, Techno said, pulling his backpack over his shoulder.

“Thank you for sticking around. I’ll see you tomorrow at school, right?” Dream smiled.

“Yep.” Techno nodded and followed his dad to the car.

“So, how was that?” Phil asked, pulling out of the driveway. 

“Really fun. We swam in a creek.”

“Really? The one in the hiking trails?”

“Mhm.”

“That’s nice. Wilbur and Tommy are both in a mood today, I think they had a fight last night. I’d be careful not to upset Wilbur any more than he already is.”

“Mkay.”

“Do you think you could talk to Tommy? I think Wilbur was mean to him, he won’t talk to me about it. It would be good for him to know he’s got someone on his side.”

Techno sighed and stared out the window. “I’ll try.”

“Thank you, Techno. I love you.”

“…I love you too, dad.”

“Tommy?”

Silence.

“Can I come in?”

The door clicked open.

“Hey, man. How’s it going?” Techno asked, going in and closing the door behind him.

“Bad.” Tommy mumbled. He was curled up in bed, surrounded by his quilt and pillows.

“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” Techno sat at the end of the bed.

Tommy sniffled and wiped his eyes. “Wilbur fucking hates me.”

Techno watched him. His cheeks were stained with tears, his eyes red and puffy. Techno sighed and moved up on the bed, sitting next to him.  
“Wilbur doesn’t hate you.”

“H-He said that we’re only related because of some papers”, Tommy sobbed, leaning into Techno’s touch.

Techno felt the fire in his body ignite. He gritted his teeth. “Do you want me to beat him up?”

“No, I j-just want him to love me!” Tommy sobbed, the last words coming out as a scream. He heaved as he sobbed, pulling his hair and burying his face in his hands. Techno pulled him into his arms. 

“He loves you Tommy, he does. I know he does. He’s just- he’s just kinda a shitty person.” Techno sighed. 

Tommy cried louder, clinging to Techno and burying his face in his brother’s chest. 

“He’s dealing with something dark right now. Something very bad happened to him, and it’s filled him with hurt. It’s only natural for that hurt to bleed out to other people.” Techno pulled his brother onto his lap, gently carding through his blonde hair.  
“This isn’t your fault, Tommy. He’s in a very bad place and he’s lashing out.” Techno sighed.  
“I’m sorry he hurt you, Tommy. I’m so sorry.”

Techno stayed with Tommy until he stopped crying. He took Tommy’s hand and lead him to Phil. He explained, in a gentle tone, that Tommy didn’t want to be in the same house as Wilbur for the night.

Phil was cautious, but with the promise that they wouldn’t stay up too late, he decided it was okay for Tommy to spend the night at Tubbo’s and go to school with them the next day. 

Techno kissed Tommy on the forehead, and waved as Phil pulled out the driveway to take him there.

As the car drove away, Techno’s expression fell. Then it kept falling, until all that was left was a snarl and a fire behind his eyes.

“Wilbur!”

He pounded on the door.

“What?” His brother called back.

“Let me in. I want to talk.” Techno hissed.

“Fuck off, I’m not in the mood.”

“Let me in, or I’ll tell Phil about the fucking pile of bottles under your bed!”

Wilbur glared at the door. He stood up.  
“What do you want?” He asked, hand resting on the doorknob.

“I want to talk.” 

He cautiously opened the door. He wasn’t nearly cautious enough.

In seconds, Techno had Wilbur pinned to the ground. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Telling Tommy you’re only related through paperwork?!”

Wilbur struggled against him. “Fucking let me go, you idiot! It’s the truth!”

With those words, Wilbur poured gasoline on the fire. Techno slammed his fist into Wilbur’s nose, a sick crack ripping through the air. Wilbur screamed in pain, and Techno punched him again. “Do we mean fuckin’ nothin’ to you?!” Techno yelled.

“You broke my fucking nose!” Wilbur cried.

“Aren’t we your brothers?! How could you say that? He loves you more than he loves himself, and you fuckin’ crushed him!” Techno shouted, shoving him down as he struggled to gain control.

Wilbur coughed, leaning to the side, and spat out blood. “You’re a fucking psychopath, Techno. You’re sick.” He glared up at his brother, his eyes dark.

“Shut up!” Techno screamed, punching him again.

Wilbur cried out in pain, his tears mixing with streaks of blood on his face.

Techno stood, heavy breaths shaking his body. He wiped his eyes, leaving a smear of blood on his cheek. The weight of what he’d done started to sink in, and he started to feel sick.

Then he heard the front door unlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	6. in my sick imagination you're already on your way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two updates in two days im on a ROLL baby
> 
> big tw for self harm this chapter its short but its detailed
> 
> also i just changed the names of all the chapters so its lyrics instead of song titles

Techno had bitten his lip raw. He felt sick, a deep, writhing darkness in the pit of his stomach. He sat in the living room while Phil cleaned the blood on Wilbur’s face.

“You’re sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?” Phil asked for the umpteenth time.

“I-I’m sure”, Wilbur muttered. He didn’t even want to think about the hospital.

“Alright, you’re clean. Techno, could you make your brother some hot chocolate?” Phil sighed, standing up and tossing the bloody tissues away.

Techno’s head ached at the sound of his name. “What?”

“Hot chocolate. For Wilbur.” 

“I… I feel sick.” 

Phil sighed. “Alright, I’ll do it then. You two don’t move an inch closer to each other, alright?” He went to the kitchen, leaving them alone.

Wilbur stared at Techno. Techno stared at the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest and his head fuzzy.

“Don’t tell him shit.” Wilbur hissed.

Techno looked up, eyes wide. “He won’t believe that we fought for no reason.”

“We’ll tell him you had a psychotic break or something.” Wilbur insisted.

“I’m… I’m not psychotic, and psychotic people are more of a danger to themselves than they are to others. Sayin’ that paints a bad picture of them.”

“Fucking Christ, Techno, I don’t care! You’re not telling him shit! You freaked out, okay? You don’t know what happened. You don’t remember it.” Wilbur growled.

“I can’t lie about that, he’ll take me to a psych and I’ll have to lie more. I think we should just come clean.” Techno muttered.

“You already broke my nose, haven’t you done enough to hurt me?” 

“I believe you’re entitled to your secrets, but you- you’re hurtin’ yourself.” Techno felt his face burn. The irony.  
“I don’t want your liver to fail.”

“You fucking piece of shit”, Wilbur was up in a second, pushing Techno back against the couch with a shove. Techno scrambled back, batting his hands away. 

“This is bad, Wilbur! You could seriously hurt yourself!” Techno backed against the corner of the couch.

“Shut the fuck up!” Wilbur swung, but Techno blocked it easily. Then Wilbur was swooped up in Phil’s arms. 

“Stop it, both of you!” Phil ordered, pulling Wilbur away and then letting him go. He stood between the two, his arms outstretched to stop them approaching each other.

“He started it, he broke my fucking nose!” Wilbur spat.

“He got drunk and hit Tommy!” Techno cried.

Wilbur yelled and charged forward, only to be stopped by Phil. 

“He’s lying, he’s fucking lying!” Wilbur cried, writhing in Phil’s arms and trying to get free.

“Wilbur, stop. Look at me.” Phil held him still, looking in his eyes. Steady, unwavering green against neurotic, desperate brown.  
“Sit down. We’re going to talk about this.”

Wilbur stared back, uneven breaths racking his body and tears streaming down his cheeks. “He’s lying, Phil. He’s lying.”

“Sit down.” Phil ordered.

Wilbur sat. He pulled his knees up to his chest. 

“Okay. I want both of you to tell me what happened. Wilbur, you go first.” Phil sighed, crossing his arms as he stood facing both of them.

“He went crazy. He came into my room and beat me up and now he’s making up lies to try to make it my fault.” Wilbur insisted, voice shaking.

Phil watched him, then turned to Techno.  
“And your side of the story?”

Techno cast his gaze away from Wilbur’s harsh glare. “It started over winter break.”

“Shut up.” Wilbur growled.

“Wil, quiet. Let him speak.” Phil reprimanded.

“He’s already lying!” Wilbur cried.

“Wilbur, I won’t hear another word out of you until Techno is finished speaking or you’re grounded for the next month. Do you understand?” Phil levelled him with a steady glare.

Wilbur stared up at him, eyes welling with tears, and nodded.

“Good. Techno, continue.” 

“He… um… he snuck out and went on a date with a guy and s-somethin’ bad happened.” Techno said, his eyes flicking over to Wilbur.

“What do you mean something bad?” Phil asked, his voice wavering with horror.

“It’s… it’s not my place to say.” Techno mumbled.

Phil turned to Wilbur. “Is this true? What happened, Wil?”

Wilbur buried his head in his knees. “It d-doesn’t matter, I don’t w-want to talk about it”, he sobbed.

Phil sat down beside him and gently took one of his hands. “Wil, please. Please tell me.”

Wilbur shook his head, a sob racking his body. He leaned into Phil’s touch, breaking down in his arms. Phil gently carded his hand through his son’s hair. 

Wilbur cried for what felt like ages before he spoke. “He just… h-he touched me. I d-didn’t want him to.”

Phil felt his heart break in two. He pulled Wilbur closer, holding him tight. “I’m so sorry, Wil. God, I’m so sorry.”

Wilbur just cried, soaking Phil’s shoulder and shaking in his arms. After a few minutes, he wiped his eyes and pulled away. “It’s fine. I just- I just wish it didn’t happen.”

“I can’t believe this. I wish I had been there to help you, Wil. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve anything like this.” Phil kissed the top of his son’s head. 

“Can we just go to bed? I d-don’t wanna talk anymore.” Wilbur sniffled.

Phil sighed and stood up again. “Wil, you can go upstairs and go to bed. I need to talk to Techno.”

Wilbur nodded and stood up, shuffling upstairs. 

Phil watched him go and waited for the door to click shut.  
“Okay. Tell me what’s been going on, Techno.” He sat down beside him.

Techno glanced at the stairs. He had a feeling Wilbur would be listening.  
“After the thing in winter break… he, um… he started gettin’ drunk all the time. One day while you were at work he hit Tommy because he said he was drunk, an’ Wilbur didn’t like that.”

Phil’s face fell, brows furrowing together. “And no one told me?”

He shrugged. “We… um, we all have our secrets.”

“So that’s why you broke his nose?” Phil asked.

“No… I broke his nose because he said Tommy was only his brother because of paperwork.”

Phil stared. How had his family slipped into this awful cycle of violence without him noticing?  
“Good lord”, Phil sighed, putting his head in his hands. 

“He’s been drunk almost every day. He keeps the bottles under his bed.” Techno mumbled.

“Where does he even get alcohol?” Phil asked, his voice breaking.

Techno shrugged. “I dunno.”

The two sat in a somewhat stunned silence for a while, Techno’s eyes still locked on the blood on his hands. 

“Okay. You’re grounded. I don’t know when you’ll be ungrounded.” Phil sighed. “No, um, going to friend’s houses or anything like that. I won’t take your phone but I want you to go get your Ethernet box from your room.”

Techno felt his head go fuzzy. No minecraft with Dream. No going to Dream’s house. He was alone.

“I’m gonna go talk to Wil. I expect you to go to school tomorrow.”

Techno nodded.

“I’m going to schedule an appointment with your therapist, okay? You said you’d go back when you needed to, and clearly that time has come.” Phil sighed. “Christ.”

Techno felt bile rise in his throat. 

“I’ll drive you at 7:15 tomorrow. Go upstairs.” Phil said. His tone had no warmth.

Techno stood up and went to his room. He got the Ethernet box that was connected to his computer and left it outside his door, then locked it.

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I really fucked up

Dream responded within seconds.

dre: what happened?

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I broke Wilbur’s nose

dre: holy shit?

TechnoBlade Never Dies: He said some fucked up shit to tommy and made him cry

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I feel sick

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I keep hearing that fucking crack again and again

dre: is phil home? is wilbur in the hospital? what happened???

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Phil is home now. Wilbur is in his room. I’m grounded indefinitely 

dre: shit

dre: i mean you still have your phone right? are you not grounded yet?

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I’m allowed to keep my phone but he took my Ethernet and I can’t go to anyone’s house 

dre: jesus 

dre: im so sorry dude this sounds freaky as fuck

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I don’t know how I fucked up this bad

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I know what you mean about gasoline on the fire now though

TechnoBlade Never Dies: I’m gonna head to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow 

dre: ok man stay safe

dre: i love you

Techno stared at the text for a moment before turning his phone off. He sat on the edge of his bed and pulled the razor out from the bottom of his nightstand. His hands were still stained with his brother’s blood.

He pulled the razor across his thighs, barely feeling the stinging pain. He took a shaky breath. He had broken Wilbur’s nose. He dragged the razor across his skin again, digging deeper this time. The blood beaded and slipped down the sides of his legs. Tears blurred his vision. Everything was dark. Everything was numb. Everything ached.

He blinked away tears and made a few more small slits. The big one was starting to bleed badly. He grabbed a few tissues and put them on it. He took another shaking breath, then started to clean his wounds. He put pressure on the big one, then covered it with a bigger bandaid.

Techno felt the stinging pain well into his dreams.

Phil took a deep breath. How had it gotten this bad without him noticing?

“Wilbur?”

No response came.

“Wilbur, can I come in?”

Nothing.

He opened the door cautiously, peering inside the dark room. He turned the light on, and his heart sank.

A gentle breeze blew through the open window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	7. on the cliffs, he drives real fast, he may drive his car into the ocean, maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is only like 1.5k words and my brain is repeatedly hitting me with a shovel for it i PROMISE the next few chapters will be longer i promise

“Run away with me.”

“You lost your fuckin’ mind, man.”

“Just for a week or two, Schlatt, please. I can’t go home.” Wilbur begged, stepping forward into the house.

“Wilbur, I can’t just fucking drop everything and go on a vacation with you because you feel like it.” Schlatt backed up, letting him inside. “Shit- dude, your nose is bleeding. Have you being doing blow?”

Wilbur barked a laugh at that. “Nah, Techno broke my nose. Come on. I have six hundred bucks I’ve saved. I have a car. We’re both eighteen. Have an adventure with me, man.”

Schlatt looked at his friend, concern knitting his eyebrows together. “Dude, what the fuck happened?”

“It doesn’t matter, Schlatt!” Wilbur laughed, high and manic. “Come on! We’ll have the week of our lives! We can sleep on the beach, we can do whatever we want!”

He mulled it over in his head, then reluctantly sighed. “One day.”

“Five.”

“Two.”

“Four.”

“Three.”

Schlatt sighed. “Fine. Three. Let me get my stuff and tell my dad I’m leaving.”

“Your dad would be fine with that?” Wilbur questioned, following him. 

He scoffed. “My dad doesn’t give a fuck.”

The moon hung in the sky like a mother, watching the two boys on the cliff’s edge. Black waves crashed against the rocks far below, a dull but textured noise in the air. 

“You’re not gay, right?” Wilbur’s words were slurred, tumbling out of his mouth like pills he found he regretted.

“I dunno. I got better things to think about.” Schlatt shrugged and took another hit of the blunt.

“Like what?” Wilbur laughed, taking much too long of a swig from the bottle of tequila in his hand.

“Like my fuckin’ job, man. I got bills to pay an’ shit.” He fixed the other with a glare.

Wilbur stared up at him from where he was reclining on his elbow. “What d’you mean you got bills?”

“I mean I have fucking bills, Wilbur. My dad got laid off last week. Do you never fuckin’ listen to me?” 

Wilbur sat up, taking a second to catch up with his body and work through the dizziness. “You never told me that.”

“I did. You were just shitfaced. Like always.” Schlatt refused to meet his eye, staring down off the cliff instead.

“Oh”, Wilbur looked away too. He hesitated for a moment, then took another swig.

“Yeah, oh. Did you ever consider you might be a kinda shitty friend?” Schlatt’s tone wasn’t angry. It was hurt.

“I guess… it wouldn’t really surprise me. Why d’you keep me around if I’m that bad?” Wilbur tried to meet his eye again, but Schlatt turned away. 

“I dunno. You’re all I got.” He huffed.

“Wha’d’you mean? You got Minx and Conner an’ stuff.” Wilbur insisted.

“They’re not my friends, I’m just their dealer.” Schlatt scoffed. He turned back to Wilbur finally, passing him the blunt.

“You’re my dealer an’ you’re my friend”, Wilbur said, taking a hit before passing it back.

“No, Wilbur, I’m not your fucking dealer. That would require you actually paying me for the shit I give you.”

Wilbur stared up at him. “Why do you gimme stuff f’r free? You don’ do that with anyone else.”

Schlatt finished the blunt and flicked it into the ocean. “I’m going to bed.” He said, standing up and snatching the bottle out of Wilbur’s hand. 

“Hey! Wait, don’ take that!” Wilbur scrambled after him, trying to take it back. Schlatt easily kept it away. 

“We’re going to bed, Wilbur. Get in the car.” He glared, his eyes far too fiery for the darkness that surrounded them.

“Can I have it back if I gettin the car?” Wilbur slurred, following Schlatt impatiently.

“Yeah, you can fuckin’ go wild. Get in.”

Schlatt couldn’t sleep. He let Wilbur pass out in the back seat, then he got out of the car and walked down the cliff to the water.

The moon took away the color in the world, painting everything dark shades of blue and grey. It was big and full that night, beckoning him out to sea. 

He stared for a while, then pulled his clothes off and waded into the water. It was freezing, and it quickly numbed his body. He swam out past the crest of the waves and let himself float, his feet barely touching the ground. 

The beginnings of waves would pass him by, lifting him up and then gently setting him back down. Schlatt looked up at the cliff’s edge, and thoughts of Wilbur flooded his brain. He scowled.

When it was hard to move his body from the numbness, he waded back out to shore.

No one needed to know if he found warmth again in the arms of his friend.

When Wilbur woke up, the car was moving. Schlatt was in the driver’s seat, and upon further inspection they were in their hometown. 

“What the fuck? What the fuck?! Schlatt, What the fuck are you doing?!” Wilbur started to panic, sitting up and looking around, fear in his eyes, as Schlatt pulled into Wilbur’s neighbourhood.

“I’m taking you home. Techno texted me and told me what happened.” Schlatt shot him a glare. 

“What?! No, no no no, Schlatt, you can’t do this. Please. Phil will fucking- he’ll ground me for like a year, Schlatt.” Wilbur begged.

“Oh, Jesus, what torture! God, you’re a fuckin’ dick. You’re so fucking ungrateful, you know that? I would kill to have brothers like yours, and you tell them they don’t mean more to you than legal papers? Fucking Christ.” Schlatt growled, pulling into the driveway of their house.

“No no no, Schlatt, please! I didn’t mean that, you know I didn’t mean that! I was just trying to-“

“Fucking shut up, Wilbur!” Schlatt shouted, stunning Wilbur into silence. “Just shut your fucking trap for once in your life!” 

Wilbur stared like a deer in the headlights, his heart racing.

“You need help, Wilbur. You need to fucking- go to therapy or something, okay? I don’t wanna talk to you until you can act like a person. I’m serious.” Schlatt made eye contact with him then. Wilbur really, really wished he hadn’t.

“I… I am a person”, he whispered, tears stinging his eyes.

“No, Wilbur. You’re cyanide.” Schlatt tossed him the keys to the car, then got out and started walking.

Phil threw open the door as Wilbur got out of the car, pulling him into a tight hug. “Jesus fucking Christ, Wil. I was so scared. I was so, so scared.”

Wilbur stood still, watching Schlatt walk away. He didn’t look back once.

He felt numb, floating along through the house. There was a trash bag full of liquor bottles outside his bedroom door. There was a padlock on his window. 

He heard the dull sounds of Phil talking to him, Phil crying, the grey feeling of Phil hugging him and begging him to tell him where it all went wrong. 

Pink hair and sharp brown eyes cut through the fog. Techno was staring at him.

Wilbur stared back.

Techno sighed, and went to his room. 

Then the fog filled his body again.

When Wilbur’s eyes fluttered open the next morning, he could almost convince himself it was all a bad dream. Then the headache hit, and when he reached under his bed for help, he found nothing. He fumbled around on his bedside table and found his glasses, then looked for his ibuprofen next. It was also gone.

Wilbur collapsed back on his bed, covering his face with his hands. Jesus, it was all real.

Phil was waiting for him downstairs. 

“Oh… hey.” Wilbur mumbled, standing by the stairs.

“Hey, Wil.” Phil sighed and stood up. “I called in sick for you for school today. Techno is at school already, and Tommy is still at Tubbo’s. Do you want some water?”

Wilbur fiddled with his hands, not meeting his father’s eye. “Uh, I’d kinda like a painkiller.”

Phil nodded and went to the kitchen. Wilbur’s eyes widened as he watched Phil use the key to a padlock on the medicine cabinet. That had not been there previously. 

“Is that really necessary?” Wilbur asked, his voice small.

Phil stopped, then sighed. “Wilbur, I don’t want you to talk to me about what’s ‘necessary’. You know I don’t like enforcing punishments on you kids.” He handed Wilbur two ibuprofen and a glass of water. Wilbur stared at them for a moment before he took them. He wasn’t sure if a third of what he usually took would even do anything.

“Sit down. I know you were… hungover, or in shock, or something last night, so you weren’t very good at talking. You don’t have an excuse today.” Phil said, pointing to the couch.

Wilbur did as he was told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	8. i am hideous and no one can ever know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the long awaited first tommy chpater. sorry it took so long to get to him wilbur is a drama queen so things had to be about him for a bit

“Did you know bees talk by dancing?” Tubbo prompted, resting their head on Tommy’s shoulder. It was well past midnight, the two sat in the living room alone, playing Minecraft on Fundy’s old Xbox 360. 

Tommy huffed a laugh. “Wait, do they actually?” He stopped building the house for a moment and looked over at Tubbo.

“Yeah, they can tell each other like, how far away a flower is and stuff with a little wiggle.” Tubbo grinned and looked up at his friend.

“I like that, that’s sweet.” Tommy smiled.

“Are you two still up?” Eret’s voice fell softly from the hallway as she entered the room, dressed in an old crop top and sweats.  
“It’s nearly one in the morning, you have school tomorrow. You should really get to bed.” 

Tommy groaned and threw his head back. “I’m gonna have to go home after school tomorrow. Can’t I just enjoy this?”

“Tomorrow will be worse if you’re tired. Get up, both of you, go to bed.” Eret insisted, turning off the tv. 

Tommy whined again, and Tubbo got up and started picking up their things. Tubbo took Tommy’s hand and pulled him up, then held his hand and lead him to their bedroom. It had originally been theirs and Fundy’s bedroom, but since their dad had picked up a job as a flight attendant, Eret had moved into his room and Fundy had moved into hers, leaving Tubbo with their own room.

It was fairly neat as far as teenager’s rooms went, a yellow duvet on their bed and houseplants dotting the surfaces. Tommy’s stuff was crammed in a corner.

Tubbo methodically went to each small lamp in their room and turned it on, then turned off the overhead light. The lamps cast the warm light of regular lightbulbs over the room, as opposed to the harsh LED of the overhead light. 

Tommy changed into an oversized shirt and boxers. The shirt was one of Techno’s, a souvenir from the Welcome to Night Vale show he’d attended a few years back. Tommy had gotten into it after Techno went, and as Techno’s hyperfixation moved on, Tommy was rewarded with all of Techno’s merch. 

Tubbo plugged their phone into the speakers Eret had bought them and put on a calm lofi playlist, then set about watering all of their plants.

Tommy huffed and flopped down on the bed, burying his face in the pillow. “I don’t want to go home tomorrow”, he said, his words muffled.

“Would it be rude of me to ask what Wilbur said?” Tubbo prompted, putting their watering can on their desk and sitting beside him on the bed.

He grumbled. “He was really mean.” He sat up, hugging the pillow to his chest and staring at the wall. “He… he said we didn’t have any business being worried about him just because…” Tommy’s throat felt raw, tears threatening to spill.  
“Just because we’re related through legal documents.” He choked back a sob and buried his face in Tubbo’s shirt as they pulled him into a hug. 

“That’s a horrible thing to say, Tommy. I’m so sorry.” Tubbo whispered, holding him tight.

Tommy felt the sob escape, then dozens followed suit, ripping out of his throat. He shook in Tubbo’s arms, his breathing erratic and desperate. 

“Okay, Tommy, you’ve gotta breathe with me. Focus, okay? We’re gonna go in,” Tubbo took a deep breath and waited for Tommy copy them, “And out”, they let out the breath. They repeated the exercise a few times until Tommy was breathing again. 

Tommy wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry”, he mumbled, not meeting their eye.

“It’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Tubbo sighed. “I don’t think he meant that, Tommy. I think he’s just… going through a hard time, or something. He’s just lashing out. I know he cares about you.”

Tommy nodded distantly. He laid down, burrowing under the covers. “I guess.”

Tubbo looked at him. His face was tear-stained and red, brows furrowed with betrayal. He looked so hurt, so full of rage and misery. Tubbo laid down beside him and pulled him into their arms. “I’m here, okay?”

He nodded. “Okay.”

Tommy found Techno at lunch and stood over him, Bad, and Skeppy where they sat. 

“Oh, shit. Hey, Tommy, I actually need to talk to you.” Techno stood and dusted himself off. Bad and Skeppy exchanged a nervous glance, then looked up at Tommy.

“What? About what? What’s happening?” Tommy followed his brother as he lead him off to an alley behind one of the classrooms.

“Uh…” Techno pulled at his hair. “Some stuff happened after you left last night.” He stared at the ground, not meeting Tommy’s eyes.

“What do you mean? Techno, just tell me what happened”, Tommy insisted.

Techno’s eyes flickered to Tommy’s, then away. He took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirt. “I’m grounded, um, indefinitely. Because I broke Wilbur’s nose.”

“You what?! Are you fucking with me? You broke his fucking nose?” Tommy scoffed in disbelief.

Techno sighed. “And then he ran away. Phil is- dad is just- he’s in hysterics. Wilbur isn’t answerin’ his phone. We have no idea where he is. He took his car.”

Tommy stared at his brother, mouth agape in shock. “What the fuck?” He scrutinized Techno’s expression, trying to find a sign of deceit. “What the fuck, why- why did you- why did you break his nose?!”

His brother stared at the floor, guilt weighing on his shoulders. “Because of what he said to you.”

Tommy blinked, brows furrowed as he tried to process what he was saying. “You- What- Why? Why would you- you break his nose over that?”

Techno shrugged. “I… I got mad. It doesn’t matter. Phil is drivin’ around asking people where Wilbur is, he’s really stressed out. I suggested that you just stay at Tubbo’s until we find him. Phil- or- dad agreed.” 

He leaned back against the wall, then slumped down into a ball. “What the fuck?”

Techno stared at him for a moment, then sat down next to him. “I’m sorry I made Wilbur run away.” His voice came out a broken whisper. “I’m sorry I hurt him.” A lump formed in his throat. “I just didn’t want him to hurt you.”

Tommy stared at him, his expression souring from shock to rage. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

The lump in his throat grew, a pit formed in his stomach, and tears stung his eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t know.”

Tommy scoffed and stood suddenly. “Fine, I’ll stay at Tubbo’s. Since you fucking ruined everything.” He pulled his backpack on and stormed off, not letting Techno get a word in sideways. 

Techno watched him go. The world lost a little more color.

Tommy talked back to his history teacher and ended up with detention later that day, and Tubbo found themself sitting beside him to keep him company. 

He was quiet, far quieter than he usually was. A raging storm brewed inside him, tearing at his body and mind. 

Tubbo passed him a note. Tommy scribbled a response and passed it back.

hey aer you okay

I hate Mrs. Gorwitz. I hate Technoblade.

oh ok. why?

Mrs whorewitz fucking called on me while i was crying and then I told her to fuck offf and she fucking gave me detention and its all techobaldes fault beacause he fucking broke Wilburs nose and now Wilbur ran away and everyhting is fucking ruined

im sory :( do u need to stay at mine antoher nite then?

Yeah. My dad is apparently freaking the fuck out because Wilburs gone. I fucking hate this. I hate mrs gorwitz so fucking much she’s so stupid and im so stupid for yelling at her everybody fuckign looked at me and i know they were laughing i hate it I HATE IT im so stupid im s 

“Watson, are you writing for homework or is that a note?” The teacher glanced up from his desk, his tone accusatory.

Tommy’s grip on the pencil tightened. “Sorry”, he mumbled.

“Put it away or I’ll take it.”

“Sorry.”

“Fundy, what is Eret doing for dinner?” Tubbo asked their brother, taking off their shoes as they crossed the threshold of their house.

“Eret is working late tonight, we have to fend for ourselves.” Fundy sighed, hanging the car keys up on the rack. “Tommy, you okay, dude?” He raised an eyebrow at his brother’s friend.

Tommy just nodded and took his shoes off.

“He just had a rough day. What would you guys think of breakfast for dinner? I could make crepe if you like, Tommy.” Tubbo suggested, a gentle smile playing on their face.

Tommy looked at them and offered a weak smile back. “That sounds nice.”

“Oooh, I could do those chicken apple sausages Eret got last week! That’s a great idea Tubbo.” Fundy grinned and put his coat on the kitchen counter, then washed his hands and started to cook.

“Do you want to help?” Tubbo asked, carefully taking Tommy’s hand in their own.

Tommy shrugged. “I don’t think I can do crepe. I always mess them up.”

“You make good hashbrowns, though. Could you make hashbrowns?” 

Tommy nodded. 

The three worked calmly, Fundy humming some video game soundtrack that vaguely rang a bell in Tommy’s mind. 

They ate dinner peacefully too, Fundy didn’t ask why Tommy was quiet today or why he was here another day.

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Wilbur is home

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Phil is still freaked out. You can come home now if you have a ride though

Tommy stared at his phone, reading the discord message over a few times. 

TommyInnit: Is he ok

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Idk

TommyInnit: I’ll come home tomorrow can you tell dad

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Yeah sure

TechnoBlade Never Dies: Are you okay?

Tommy scowled and turned his phone off, then picked up the Xbox controller and leaned against Tubbo again.

“Any news?”

“Wilbur is home.”

“Is he okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you going to go home?”

Tommy stared at the tv. “I don’t feel like it right now.”

“Okay”, Tubbo smiled, “you’re always welcome to stay as long as you like.”

Eret’s bones felt tired. She could practically feel the dark circles under her eyes, and the last thing she wanted to come home to was two fourteen-year-olds cackling at the top of their lungs.

“It’s literally two in the morning”, she growled, setting her bag on the couch beside them. “Go to bed. Both of you.”

Tommy groaned, but Tubbo saved their game and turned off the tv. “Come on, she’s right. It’s late.” 

“Wait, Tommy, why are you still here?” Eret asked, blinking back her exhaustion to make way for confusion.

Tommy curled in on himself and cast his gaze down. He felt the weight return to his shoulders.

“He’s having family issues. It’s okay he’s here, right?” Tubbo pipes up.

“Oh… yeah, of course, that’s fine. You let me know if you need anything, alright little man?” Eret offered a warm smile.

Tommy scowled. “I’m not little.”

Eret and Tubbo both laughed, quiet things in the dead of night.

“Really now, go to bed. Come get me if you need anything, though.” Eret instructed, taking off her coat and hanging it up.

“Okay, goodnight!” Tubbo waved and pulled Tommy down the hall.

In the yellow light of Tubbo’s room, Tommy found himself crying again. He was quiet now, thin shoulders shaking with every muffled sob. Tubbo held him in their arms, gently tracing patterns on his back.

“Techno has adhd, right?” Tubbo asked, their voice gentle despite its natural cracks.

Tommy nodded and sniffled. “Why d’you ask?”

“Do you think you might too?” They asked, pausing their tracing.

Tommy laughed at that. “God, probably. If I do it’s a different kind than him. He’s not the- the ‘hyperactive’ type. I… y’know.”

Tubbo nodded. “Both of your older brothers are in therapy, why aren’t you?”

“I don’t want to go to therapy.” Tommy grumbled, burying his face in Tubbo’s shoulder again.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want someone in my head. That’s scary.”

“They only go in to help you heal.” 

“Maybe I don’t want to heal.”

Tubbo stared down at him. Tommy felt their eyes burning him, and he pulled away.  
“Let’s just go to bed”, Tommy muttered.

“Okay”, Tubbo nodded. Tommy hated the hesitation in their tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eret is fundy and tubbos older sibling btw idk who to make their parents. for now im saying its skydoesminecraft and deadlox purely because i suggested that to my boyfriend and they got genuinely mad at me. love and light xoxo
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	9. my guardian angel's got wings of tinfoil and cigarettes found in the street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i tried to write a fluff chapter! like it definitely didn't work but i tried!

The pink lights felt grey just like everything else. It was late at night, the moon hiding behind a thick blanket of clouds. The house was silent, save for the quiet tune playing in Techno’s headphones. Outside, rain poured down in heavy sheets.

Techno sat on his bed, scrolling through his phone. Mindlessly browsing social media, desperately trying to ignore the dark intruding thoughts at the back of his mind. He had a consistent deep, sinking feeling in his chest, a dread that weighed him down. Every so often, his thoughts would stray from whatever meaningless content he was looking at and he would feel the world start to collapse around him. 

His phone buzzed.

dre: hey are you doing okay

Techno stared at it for a moment, then swiped it away. He turned up the music playing from his phone- Class of 2013 by Mitski.

Tommy was home now. Wilbur, too. Neither of them would look him in the eye. Dinners passed quietly and Tommy was allowed to eat in his room, so Wilbur and Techno were forced to sit opposite each other every night.

Wilbur was getting sick. Techno could tell even from what little he saw of him. He was feverish, shaking almost constantly. He didn’t want to think about how badly it broke Phil’s heart. Techno couldn’t imagine it was easy, watching your son go through withdrawals for nicotine and alcohol at the same time. Knowing you hadn't even noticed it get this bad.

Logically, he knew Wilbur was older than him, he was an adult, he was responsible for his own actions, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all his fault. Breaking his nose certainly hadn’t helped. 

No, it had definitely made things worse. Techno could feel the crack under his knuckles sometimes, hear it in his ears. He knew the carpet in Wilbur’s room was stained. It would never come out. Wilbur had refused to go to the hospital, too. His nose would never be the same. His face would never be the same. Techno would ball his fist sometimes, feel the wave of guilt that came with the simple gesture drown him. Occasionally, he would turn on the red LEDs in his room and stare at his hands, imagining the blood there again. Other times, he would open old cuts and get the blood on his hands to replicate it. It became a routine, every night he would pray that his blood would heal his brother. It never did.

dre: i know you’re up i can see you listening to sad mitski songs on spotify dude

Techno scowled at the notification and swiped it away. He sat upright in the bed and fished his blade out from under his nightstand. He paused. “The Blade”, used to be Tommy’s nickname for him. He laughed a little at that. How morbid.

His phone started buzzing suddenly, startling him and making him cut a bit deeper than he meant to. 

“Fuck”, he hissed, covering the wound with a tissue. He looked at his phone- Dream was FaceTiming him. He gritted his teeth and hastily bandaged his thighs, then picked up.

“What do you want?” He asked, aiming the camera at the ceiling.

Dream’s freckled face took up the screen. “What are you doing right now?”

Techno stilled, feeling his heartbeat in his skull. He swallowed a lump in his throat. “What do you want?”

“Are you hurting yourself?” Dream asked. He didn’t look angry, he looked worried, his brows furrowed. 

He froze for a moment, his heart racing, then he hung up. He covered his mouth and choked back a sob, why did it hurt so much when someone knew? He felt numb while he did it, why did it feel like someone was ripping out his heart when Dream asked that?

The phone rang again. He declined. The phone rang again. He declined.

dre: tecbno please pick up you’re scaring me

Techno stared at the text. When the next call came in, he picked up.

“Fucking Christ, dude! You can’t do that, I thought- fuck. Fucking hell. You can’t do that, man. I thought you fucking- I dunno, I thought… Christ, just don’t do that, okay?” Dream’s voice was strained now, and Techno could see his eyes were wet.

“Sorry”, Techno muttered, barely above a whisper.

Dream looked at his phone. “Can I see you?”

Techno angled the camera so it showed his forehead. 

“Come on, man. You just scared the shit out of me. I’m trying to make sure you’re alright.” Dream sighed.

Techno showed his face. His hair was unkempt, he was breaking out on his chin and his forehead, and dark circles hung under his eyes.

“Thank you”, Dream offered a weak smile. “I’m sorry I, uh, freaked out. I just thought you’d done something like, really bad or something. You haven’t, right?”

Techno shook his head. “No, um, not… not too bad.” He pressed the dark guilt at his words down further into his chest.

“Do you wanna talk about it? Or like, explain why you haven’t texted me in like a day?” Dream asked.

He stared at his phone, then let the angle go back up to the ceiling. Dream sighed, but didn’t ask him to change it. “I’m just having a rough day”, he said, his voice cracking on every word.

“Have you started therapy yet?”

He laughed a little. “No, um, Wilbur is goin’ through withdrawals, so my dad is really busy. I think he, uh, forgot.”

Dream didn’t laugh. “You should talk to him about that.”

“He doesn’t wanna talk to me”, Techno muttered.

“It’s important that you go back to therapy, dude. You’re not okay.” Dream insisted, his tone firm.

Techno’s thumb hovered over the end call button. He didn’t want to scare Dream again, but he also did not want to be having this conversation.

“Techno? Are you there?” Dream asked.

“Yeah”, he sighed, his voice weak from disuse. 

“Were you hurting yourself when I called you?” He asked.

Techno bit his lip. “It doesn’t matter.”

“God, Techno, really?” Dream sighed, dragging a hand over his face.

“It’s fine.”

“You- you fucking cutting yourself into pieces is not fine! I’m coming over, okay? Have your window open. I’ll be there in ten.” Dream spoke with decisiveness, and Techno listened as he tossed his phone on the bed and started packing his backpack.

Techno’s heart skipped a beat. “Wait, what? It’s like one in the mornin’, how are you gonna get here? What do you mean open my window? You can’t get up to the second story! It’s rainin’, you’ll get soaked!”

Dream scoffed. “I’ll be there in ten. Have your window open.”

The call went dead.

Twelve minutes later, Techno watched as Dream let himself in through the window. He was soaking wet, and Techno could see his bike on the street outside his house. 

“How the hell did you do that?” Techno asked, offering him a hand and pulling him in.

“I do parkour in my free time. I go rock climbing twice a year. I have the natural agility of a cat. Take your pick.” Dream said, shutting the window behind him and setting his backpack on the ground.

Techno sat on his bed and watched as Dream rummaged around in the bag. “I’m really okay. You didn’t need to come over.”

“I wanted to. We haven’t hung out in like a week.” Dream shrugged and pulled out a first aid kit. 

Techno eyed it warily. “Dream, I told you I’m fine.”

“You’re not. Let me do this for you”, he said, sitting on the bed beside him.

“I don’t need you to take care of me.” 

“I want to take care of you.” Dream insisted, meeting his eyes.

“It’s rotten work”, Techno said, his voice a whisper around the lump in his throat.

“Not to me”, Dream said, taking his hand. “Not if it’s you.” 

Dream slipped out of his window in the early morning, pale light illuminating the quiet world. The city was still damp, the clouds having moved on but left their mark. 

Techno found himself staring at the clean bandages on his legs. It was odd, to have felt Dream’s cold hands treat his wounds so gently. 

He could almost still feel it, the light brushes against one another’s skin. Dream had laid with him for hours after, the two just muttering a conversation and holding each other close. Everything felt gentle in the early morning chill, he wished he could’ve stayed that way forever.

That morning he took a granola bar from the cabinet for breakfast and got into Fundy’s car with Tommy. Tommy and Tubbo sat in the back together, already wrapped up in a vibrant conversation.

“You look tired”, Fundy said, acknowledging Techno for the first time.

“Oh… yeah, I didn’t sleep last night.” Techno nodded.

“Insomnia?” Fundy asked, looking over at Techno in the passenger seat.

Dream’s dark green and yellow eyes flashed in his mind. “Something like that.”

“Hey.”

Techno looked away from his locker to see Dream standing beside him.  
“Hullo”, he returned the greeting. His usual monotone was deeper, run grey with exhaustion.

“Your roots are growing in”, Dream said, leaning against the locker beside him and touching a strand of Techno’s hair. He apparently wasn’t going to acknowledge the previous night.

“I’m aware.” Techno levelled him with a bored expression.

“Do you want to redye them?” Dream proposed, crossing his arms.

“I’m grounded.”

“Let’s skip.” Dream grinned. “Come on. My treat.”

Techno stared at him. He thought about it for a moment, then hesitantly nodded.  
“Can we get boba?”

“Absolutely.” Dream flashed a grin.

Techno stood on the back of Dream’s bike as the other barrelled down the main road. The Sally’s hair salon and the boba place were next to each other, squeezed in beside the grocery store that dominated the small shopping center. 

Dream bought the bleach and the dye for him, despite his protests. He also bought the drinks. Techno got a rose milk tea with boba, while Dream got a honeydew melon Ramune. 

Dream suggested they get snacks at the dollar store, and by the end of their shopping trip they rode back to the school with backpacks stuffed to the brim. 

They darted around the school once they made it back, peeking around corners and checking for stray teachers, stifling giggles at each close call. They found refuge in one of the boys’ bathrooms, where they closed the door and put their backpacks against it. 

“This is a bad idea, the fumes from the bleach are gonna suffocate us.” Techno said, laughing a little as he tossed a handful of ranch corn nuts into his mouth.

“Let them. Just in case, I’ll open the window, though.” Dream grinned back and stood on the sink to do so.

“How come you’re skippin’ and doing all this shit with me today? Are Sapnap and George on holiday or somethin’?” Techno asked, sipping his tea.

Dream stared at him. “What? You’re my friend, dude. They’re not the only people that matter to me.” He scoffed and hopped down from the sink.

“You sure you’re not just, like, saviour complexin’ me?” Techno raised an eyebrow. 

Dream paused. “What do you mean by that?” He asked, mixing the bleach powder and the developer together.

“Nevermind”, Techno sighed. “You’ve done this before, right?”

“Yeah, I did Karl’s hair pink a while ago too. You’re getting salon quality with me, trust me.” He flashed a grin.

“I highly doubt that, but I’ll let you do it anyway”, Techno huffed.

It turned out decent. Dream had left the bleach in for a bit too long so his hair was brittle, but you certainly couldn’t say it wasn’t pink. 

After school, Tommy spent a while staring at him. 

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“You’re different. You look different. Why do you look different?” Tommy interrogated, narrowing his eyes at his brother.

“I don’t. You’re imaginin’ things.” Techno shrugged.

“You’re such a fucking bitch, do you know that?” Tommy growled, only stopping when Tubbo put a hand on his wrist.

“Tommy, do you want to sleep over at my house tonight?” They asked, looking up at him with a smile.

Tommy glared at Techno for a moment longer. “Yeah. Sounds good.” He said, “Techno, you can walk home, right?”

Techno sighed and stood up, pulling his backpack over his shoulder. “Sure. Why not”, he mumbled. 

“I’m sure we can give him a-“

“No, shh. He’s an arsehole, let him walk.”

Techno tried not to hear it. He put his headphones in and started on his way home, trying to ignore the stinging in his thighs and the feeling of the world threatening to collapse around him.

That night, dinner was tense. Phil sat at the head of the table and asked Techno about his day. He hadn’t noticed the hair change, because of course he hadn’t. Wilbur was shaking badly and sweating. Phil kept a close eye on him.

“Are you doin’ okay, Wilbur?” Techno asked, concern lacing his monotone.

“Fuck off”, Wilbur spat.

“Wilbur, that’s no way to treat your brother. He’s worried about you.” Phil reprimanded.

“I don’t fucking want to be worried about, Phil! There wouldn’t be anything to be worried about if he hadn’t fucking- fuck-“ Wilbur went very pale very quickly. He rushed to the kitchen and threw up in the sink. He coughed violently, barely managing to hold his hair out of his face.  
“You did this to me”, he growled, the bile making his throat raw.

“Wilbur, don’t say that. He-“

“You did this to me! You’re a fucking piece of shit, you know that, Technoblade?! You’re a fucking psychopath and you only care about yourself! You broke my fucking nose, you ruined my life!”

“Wilbur! Stop it, right now!” Phil cut in.

“You should’ve killed yourself, Technoblade. All you do is hurt people. You should’ve gone through with it.” 

“Wilbur! Go to your fucking room right now!” Phil shouted, standing from his place at the table.

Wilbur glared at his brother, his sickly, shaking body on the ready to attack.

“Wilbur, now. I will not tell you again.” Phil ordered.

Wilbur stormed upstairs and slammed the door, the sound ricocheting through the house.

Techno sat frozen at the table, his heart sunken in his chest and beating faster than a rabbit’s. Phil turned around slowly. Phil studied his son’s face, the way his eyes bore into the table and his hands shook.

“Techno, what was he talking about?” Phil’s voice cracked as he spoke, he took a step towards the table.

“H-He’s makin’ stuff up”, Techno choked out, tears blurring his vision.

“Techno, have you tried to kill yourself?” Phil asked.

Techno felt the world collapse around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw guys, comments are super appreciated :D they keep me going so don't be shy
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	10. there's a plague in my head come here, get away from me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone in the last chapter said they liked the withdrawal wilbur... this ones for you baby

MONDAY

2:35PM  
wilbur: schlatt im sorry

wilbur: i don’t know what i did but im sorry

2:38PM  
wilbur: schlatt 

wilbur: please text me back 

4:56PM  
wilbur: i don’t know what i did wrong

wilbur: phil flipped the fuck out dude

wilbur: he took everything. like everything. all the booze and cigs are gone and he fucking locked up the painkillers

wilbur: like the regular ass painkillers. you can’t even get high on them

wilbur: techno is grounded for like. forever though. which is nice considering he broke my nose

wilbur: are you there

11:23PM  
wilbur: i don’t know what i did wrong

wilbur: is this because i didn’t know your dad got fired

wilbur: or like. didn’t remember i guess

TUESDAY

2:45AM  
wilbur: im sorry i forgot about the stuff with your dad man. please don’t ignore me

3:24AM  
wilbur: i miss you

2:12PM  
wilbur: im sorry 

wilbur: i wasn’t trying to hurt you

4:03PM  
wilbur: why are you ignoring me

4:58PM  
wilbur: can you please text me back

6:47PM  
wilbur: can you fucking text me back 

wilbur: please

wilbur: dont ignore me

7:23PM  
wilbur: literally what the fuck did i even do to you

wilbur: im sorry i dont know every tiny little detail of your fucking life

wilbur: you don’t knwo everything about me so why should i know eveuryhing about you

wilbur: WHAT DID I EVEN FUCKING DO TO YOU

WEDNESDAY

1:27PM  
wilbur: im sorry ok

wilbur: im sorry

wilbur: im really sick

wilbur: everything hurts and im nauseous like fucking constantly

wilbur: i can’t stop shaking

wilbur: schlatt im sorry

wilbur: im sorry i hurt you i didn’t mean to i miss you

3:41PM  
wilbur: im really fucking sick man

wilbur: im sorry i fucked up. im sorry. 

wilbur: just could you like.

wilbur: could you stop by the house at some point. please

wilbur: phil will be at work tomorrow from 8:30-4

wilbur: could you just bring like some nicotine gum or vodka

wilbur: literally anything

wilbur: ill pay you

4:01PM  
wilbur: im fucking begging you dude

wilbur: this hurts so fucking much

wilbur: please

8:30PM  
wilbur: i can’t stop shaking

wilbur: im so cold

10:21PM  
wilbur: schlatt please

10:34PM  
wilbur: schlatt

wilbur: please

wilbur: please

wilbur: please

THURSDAY

7:37PM  
wilbur: yuore a fuckinng pieece of shit schlat 

wilbur: i fucksinh hate you

wilbur: i hope you fucksing get shot inn a drug deal

(Not Delivered)wilbur: fuxk you

Error: Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient.

(Not Delivered)wilbur: no no no im sorry

Error: Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient.

(Not Delivered)wilbur: im soery i didtn mean that please fuck

Error: Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient.

(Not Delivered)wilbur: schalat please im ffucking soery i didnt mean it

Error: Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient.

Wilbur buried his face in his pillow and screamed, hot tears staining the sheet. He sobbed, loud and painful cries muffled by a thin layer of padding.

A knock came from the door of his bedroom.  
“Wilbur?” Phil’s voice called, concern soaking his words.

“Go away”, Wilbur growled, hugging the pillow close to his chest. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, his hand hovering on the door knob.

“I’m fucking fine, go away!” Wilbur yelled, his throat raw from the dozens of times he’d thrown up already.

Phil stood outside the door for a moment. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  
“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, okay? I love you.”

Wilbur didn’t respond. He stared at the carpet under the door and waited for the shadow to leave. When it finally did, he laid down on the bed again. He tried to blink back tears, only to feel them slide down his face.

There was a black hole inside him. There had to be. Nothing else could explain this pain, this craving. He honestly thought if someone offered him a shot of vodka in return for one of his eyes, he’d give it. He would do fucking anything.

He had an idea suddenly, and scrambled to get his phone from where he’d thrown it.

wilbur: heyo

The response came seconds later.

JustaMinx: Hi Wilbur

wilbur: how are uoj

wilbur: *yiu

wilbur: *you

JustaMinx: I’m alright, why haven’t you been at school?

wilbur: eh just stuff 

wilbur: so do you think you could do me a favour

JustaMinx: Uh it depends what do you need

wilbur: ok this might be an odd request

wilbur: tomorrow. between 8:30 and 4

wilbur: could you drop off some vodka and nicotine gum at my house

He watched as she started typing, then stopped. Then no response came. He gave it a few minutes, went to the bathroom and threw up, then came back to his phone. Still nothing.

wilbur: are you there

JustaMinx: I can’t sorry

wilbur: oh 

wilbur: why not

JustaMinx: I have detention tomorrow :( I won’t get out until like five

wilbur: hm 

wilbur: could you skip 

JustaMinx: What

wilbur: skip detention

wilbur: ill literally pay you

JustaMinx: I can’t skip detention

wilbur: minx

JustaMinx: What

wilbur: come on.

JustaMinx: Wtf do you mean dude I can’t skip detention. Figure it out yourself

wilbur: are you serious

JustaMinx: Yeah I’m fucking serious I’m not skipping detention to bring you booze and nicotine I’d get my ass handed to me

wilbur: fine

wilbur: whatever

wilbur: you’re a fucking bitch you know that

JustaMinx: What the fuck is wrong with you

wilbur: schlatt doesn’t care about you

JustaMinx: Fuck off 

wilbur: he’s just your dealer you shouldn’t be so attached to him

JustaMinx: I’m gonna block you if you keep saying shit like this

wilbur: go ahead you’re useless to me

JustaMinx: You’re fucked in the head

(Not Delivered)wilbur: yeah. i know

Error: Your message could not be delivered because you don't share a server with the recipient or you disabled direct messages on your shared server, recipient is only accepting direct messages from friends, or you were blocked by the recipient.

Wilbur stared at his phone blankly. He was still for a moment, just staring at the blocked message. Then he picked up his alarm clock off the bedside table and threw it against the wall as hard as he could. It shattered, and seconds later he heard Phil rushing up the stairs.

“What was that?!” Phil asked, opening the door and looking around in a panic.

“Clock”, Wilbur muttered, sitting back against the wall and pulling his knees to his chest.

Phil stared at him. He could feel his father’s eyes burning into him.  
“Alright. Come downstairs for dinner.”

“I’m not hungry”, Wilbur scowled.

“Now.” Phil fixed a deadly glare on him.

His vision was swimming. The pain in his head was worse than any hangover he’d ever had. He couldn’t stop fucking shaking.

“Are you doin’ okay, Wilbur?” Techno asked. The sound was grating against his ears.

“Fuck off”, Wilbur spat, his fists gripping the sleeves of his shirt.

“Wilbur, that’s no way to treat your brother. He’s worried about you.” Phil reprimanded.

“I don’t fucking want to be worried about, Phil! There wouldn’t be anything to be worried about if he hadn’t fucking- fuck-“ He felt the bile rise in his throat like an explosion. He scrambled to his feet and ran to the sink, emptying his guts into the silver basin. It hurt so much. It hurt so fucking much. None of this would have ever happened if Techno had just minded his business. He panted for a moment, letting bile and spit drip from his open mouth. He finally pulled his head up, staring into Techno’s eyes.  
“You did this to me”, he growled, the bile making his throat raw. 

“Wilbur, don’t say that. He-“

“You did this to me! You’re a fucking piece of shit, you know that, Technoblade?! You’re a fucking psychopath and you only care about yourself!”

“Wilbur! Stop it, right now!”

“You should’ve killed yourself, Technoblade. All you do is hurt people. You should’ve gone through with it.” 

“Wilbur! Go to your fucking room right now!” Phil shouted, standing from his place at the table.

Wilbur glared at his brother, his sickly, shaking body on the ready to attack.

“Wilbur, now. I will not tell you again.” Phil ordered.

Wilbur stormed upstairs and slammed the door, the sound ricocheting through the house. He screamed into his pillow for what felt like hours.

Eventually, Phil came into his room. Wilbur had never seen him so… grey. So serious.

Phil stared at his eldest son. “What is wrong with you?”

“Everything, obviously.” Wilbur grumbled, glaring at his father. 

“No- fuck- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. There’s nothing wrong with you, Wilbur.”

“Fuck off.” Wilbur spat.

“Don’t talk to me that way, Wil. I’m warning you.” Phil’s tone was serious.

“What are you gonna do? What the fuck could you do that would affect me in the slightest? My life is in fucking shambles, Phil!” Wilbur yelled. “I don’t care! Do whatever you fucking want! Kill me!”

Phil stared at him, then sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Fucking hell, Wilbur. Give me your phone.”

Wilbur froze. “What?”

“Your phone. Give it to me. You don’t care, right? Nothing matters? So give me your phone.” Phil outstretched his hand, palm up.

“But I… I won’t be able to talk to my friends”, Wilbur objected, holding it closer to his chest.

“Yeah, you also won’t be able to have them bring you alcohol while I’m at work. Give it.” Phil levelled an even, serious stare at his son.

Wilbur paled and backed up. “How did you- how did you know I- did you read my texts?”

Phil rolled his eyes. Less sarcastic, more pained. “Wilbur, you’re not the first alcoholic in the world. I know how this works.”

He felt a lump in his throat, and he didn’t know if it was from a forming sob or bile. “I-I’m not an alcoholic”, he said, his words cracking at every turn.

“Prove it to me then. Give me your phone, and we can pretend these aren’t withdrawals. We can pretend I didn’t find empty vodka bottles under your bed, we can pretend I didn’t find cigarettes in your bedside table. We can pretend you didn’t run away for a night and come home hungover!” Phil shouted, his voice thunderingly loud.  
“You know what we’re not going to do, though? We are not going to pretend you didn’t just tell your brother to kill himself, Wilbur!” 

Wilbur blinked back tears, staring at his father and reminding himself again and again that Phil was different, Phil wouldn’t hurt him.

“I cannot… I cannot put into words how disappointed I am in you. You of all people should know how hard it is for Techno. Fuck.” Phil sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Give me your phone.”

Wilbur backed against his wall. “No”, he muttered.

“Wilbur Soot Watson, give me your phone, or I will take it from you!” Phil shouted, his voice filled with more rage and grief than Wilbur had ever heard before.

Wilbur swallowed the lump in his throat, blinked back tears, and handed him his phone.

Phil took it from him gently, his movements far too soft for the man that had just yelled at his son so loudly.

“Go to sleep. You’re in the tail end of things. You get one more day off before you’re going to school again.” Phil sighed.

Wilbur said nothing.

Phil looked at him. Wilbur couldn’t place the emotion his expression conveyed- something somewhere between betrayal, pity, and mourning. Then he turned and left, closing the door behind him. 

Wilbur laid down in his bed. He pulled himself into a ball, and quietly cried himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for the comments on last chapter ;-; it means a lot that so many of you like this fic :] comments are super super appreciated you guys keep me going like nothing else. also! what did you think of the texting format? was it too chat fic reminiscent? i hope not, i just wanted a way to show how wilbur was trying to reach out to schlatt (and end up lashing out at him)
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	11. fuck it baby, let 'em bruise, let 'em break but bleed, let 'em bleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> techno and wilbur go to a psychiatrist. that's the chapter
> 
> also they get deadnamed a lot because its a clinical field yknow how it is so watch out for that if its triggering for you

Techno sat in the grey room, his heart racing and his foot tapping. The only sources of color were a few magazines and some kids’ toys- the colored wooden blocks on metal pipes, you know the type. His phone didn’t have any reception in this room. It wasn’t his first time going to a psychiatrist, but it had been several years. The first time had been when Phil adopted him, Phil caught on that he was a little spacey and a bit too quiet, and he’d recognized them as signs of ADHD. The doctor had said it was ADHD and a “mild” case of depression. He was given Adderall and Zoloft prescriptions and sent on his way. 

It was different this time. He knew this was his last stronghold before institutionalization. He knew Phil was just as scared as he was. Techno knew he couldn’t get institutionalized- that would solidify it. It would make everything real. 

So as he stared at wooden blocks, he tried to figure out what he could tell the truth about. He didn’t want to tell the truth about anything, of course, but he knew Phil was smarter than that.

“Freja? Freja Watson?” The doctor had opened his door, he was looking at Technoblade. Techno nodded and stood up, Phil following suit. The deadname only made his heart sink lower.

“Come in, please.” He smiled and waved them in.

The office was blue. Not a vibrant blue, a washed-out blue. It was old, but not in a comforting way.

“So, Freja, what are we here about today?” The doctor asked, pulling a clipboard into his lap.

Technoblade remained silent.

“Uh, I recently found out that he- she tried to kill h-herself a year ago. Apparently, only her best friend and her brother knew, and neither of them told me.” Phil spoke up, stumbling over the pronouns. It wasn’t his fault, Techno had asked that he use his deadname and pronouns in clinical settings. It always raised too many questions, to tell the truth.

“Okay, so are we testing for depression?” The doctor asked. He didn’t bat an eye at the mention of Techno having tried to kill himself. Maybe he was right not to be concerned.

“Yes, I believe so.” Phil nodded.

“Alright, I’m going to give you a test to fill out. While we’re at it, do you want to test for anything else?” The doctor asked.

“Oh… what else would you test for?” 

“Things like OCD, anxiety, I believe she’s already diagnosed with ADHD, right?”

“Yes, that’s correct. I’d like to test for anything else too.”

“Alright. Here, Freja, you’re going to bubble in between strongly disagree and strongly agree for each of these. Take your time.” He handed Techno a few sheets of paper.

Techno took them and a pencil and started reading.

“I find no joy in life, and feel I never will again.”

Techno stared at the paper. It was obviously strongly agree.

He wrote down agree.

The rest of the questions were like that. He dulled them down. Said agree, or undecided, or disagree. The next paper was anxiety, and he found himself agreeing with all of them again. PTSD followed suit as well. He kept all of them modest.

The doctor looked over them, nodding and humming.

“Freja, have you ever self-harmed?” He asked, voice innocuous as if he hadn’t just sentenced him to the guillotine. 

Techno’s vision went fuzzy. God, now was not the time. He felt his face and hands turn to static, his heart buzzing and his soul floating out of his body.

“…echno? Techno, are you okay? Can you look at me?” Phil had a hand on his shoulder, looking into his eyes. “Techno, I’m right here. Take a deep breath with me, okay?”

Techno nodded and took a shaky breath, the fog starting to clear from his mind.

“Okay, good. What happened? I’ve never seen you do that before, what was that?” Phil asked, worry dripping from his words.

He shrugged. “Um, sometimes things um… get fuzzy.”

“Fuzzy?”

“Floaty, I guess…” Techno averted his eyes.

“So, Freja, when this happens, what does it feel like?” The doctor asked.

Techno stared at the carpet. It was the plastic type of carpet, flat and hard. Grey, just like everything else.  
“Uh… I just kinda… go away”, he mumbled. “Everythin’ gets fuzzy and staticky and I go away.”

“Where do you go?”

He shrugged. “Nowhere.”

The doctor stared at him for a moment, then hummed and nodded.  
“So, Freja, have you self harmed? You didn’t answer my question.”

Techno swallowed thickly and nodded. He felt Phil’s panicked eyes on him immediately.

“What? Tech- Freja, why- why? How?” Phil asked.

Techno shrugged. He felt tears stung his eyes.

“How did you harm yourself? Cutting, burning?” The doctor asked.

Techno choked up, and tears spilled over. “C-Cutting”, he mumbled. He could feel Phil’s horror beside him.

“Hm. Okay.” The doctor nodded and wrote something down. He asked a few more questions, and Techno did his best to answer them. Finally, he cleared his throat and wrote something down.  
“Right. So, it looks like Freja here is suffering from major depressive disorder, major anxiety, PTSD, and some form of depersonalization-derealization disorder. Clearly, her SSRIs aren’t working, so we should up the dosage or switch to a different kind. We can also prescribe Alprazolam for the anxiety, which should help. I can do therapy for her here, or I can recommend a therapist more suited towards her PTSD.”

Techno felt his heart sink. He has dulled down what he felt so much and still gotten major depressive? Major anxiety? What even was depersonalization? He felt a lump form in his throat as his dad and the doctor kept talking. 

He followed Phil out of the room, out of the building, into the car. 

“Techno?” Phil spoke up.

“…yeah?” He mumbled, not meeting his eye.

“Why didn’t you come to me?” He asked. His voice was soft, quiet like Techno had never seen before.

Techno felt his throat tighten again. He shrugged. “Didn’t wanna bother ya.”

Phil pulled into their driveway and parked. He turned to Techno and put a hand on his shoulder. “Techno, I always want you to come to me when you need me. I love you more than anything in the world. You’re my son, and you will never, ever bother me, okay?”

The dam broke. Techno felt a sob rip out of him, and dozens followed suit. He was vaguely aware of Phil’s arms around him, holding him, stroking his back.

“I-It’s so hard, dad”, Techno sobbed, “It’s so fuckin’ h-hard to k-keep goin’,” he cried. 

Phil tightened his hold on him.

“Everythin’ j-just fuckin’ h-hurts all the time”, he bawled, burying his face in his father’s chest. “It’s so hard, it’s s-so fuckin’ hard.”

For a while, Phil just held him and stroked his back, letting him cry it out.  
“I know it hurts”, Phil said, his own voice strained, “It hurts like nothing else right now, but I promise it won’t always hurt. I promise you, I promise it won’t always hurt. It’ll be okay one day, Techno. I swear to you.” He took a shaky breath and pulled away to look into his son’s eyes.  
“One day, you’re going to find the beauty in life again. You’ll laugh again, you’ll feel safe again. I promise. You have to promise you’ll hold on for that. Promise me, Techno. Promise you’ll hold on for the good days.” His voice was weak, cracking every few words. Techno had never seen him so upset.

“I-I promise”, Techno nodded. “I’m sorry- I’m sorry I scared you, dad. I’m s-sorry.” He sniffled, wiping his eyes.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Techno.” Phil pulled him into another tight hug. “God, I’m so glad you’re still here”, he said, choking back a sob. “You’re my world, Techno. You’re my heart. I don’t know what I would ever do without you.”

Techno started crying again at that, hugging his father back and shaking in his arms. It was the first time he’d felt loved- really, truly loved- in years.

Next was Wilbur.

It was the next day, Phil had let him skip one more day of school to come to the psychiatrist. He was almost fully recovered from the withdrawals at this point. Not all the way, but close.

Wilbur’s head was pounding, it felt dry and achy. His heart was going too fast, too. He felt ready to snap.

“Victoria? Victoria Watson?” The doctor called.

“It’s Wilbur.” Wilbur spat, glaring up at him.

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“My name isn’t Victoria. It’s Wilbur. I’m not a girl.” He growled.

“Oh… okay, come on in, Wilbur. Are you above the age of eighteen?” The doctor asked.

“Yeah.”

“Alright, unless you want him with you, I’m going to ask your father to stay in the waiting room.”

“I don’t want him with me.”

“Come on in, then.”

Phil watched as Wilbur went inside without a glance back.

“So, Victoria, wha-“

“Wilbur.”

“Wilbur, right, I’m sorry. Are you, um, transgender? Is that what this is?” 

Wilbur felt his blood boil. “Yeah, something like that.”

“Alright. And you’re a… boy? So you used to be a girl and now you’re a boy?”

His fists balled. “Yeah.”

“Okay, thanks for clearing that up with me. I’ll put in a note saying you prefer Wilbur.” The doctor said, turning to his computer.

Wilbur gritted his teeth. “Prefer” his ass. It was just his name. No preference about it. 

“So, uh, Wilbur. What are you in for today?”

“I lashed out at my brother, so my dad thinks there’s something wrong with me.” Wilbur said, crossing his arms.

“Ah, okay. I’m going to have you fill out a few tests, okay?” The doctor pulled out a few sheets of paper and handed them to Wilbur, who snatched them out of his hands.

The tests were all asking him to agree or disagree with whatever. He found himself strongly agreeing with most things.

He handed them back when he finished. 

The doctor read through them, nodding and humming. God, that was annoying. Wilbur grit his teeth again.

“Wilbur, do you ever feel like you want to hurt people or animals?” 

“What kind of fucking question is that?”

“Do you get thoughts about hurting people or animals? I’m not sure how else to say this.”

Wilbur shifted uncomfortably as he thought of all the times he’d been overwhelmed with violent thoughts. Scenarios that played in his head of gutting people- smashing people’s heads in- pushing people off buildings and watching them crunch against the pavement, bones snapping and skin ripping- he shook his head. He took a deep breath.  
“Yeah. Uh, yeah, I do.”

“Have you ever acted on them?”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t like them.”

“Would you describe them as intrusive? Are they unwanted?”

He nodded.

“Do you ever get messages from the world around you?”

“What, you mean like angel numbers?”

“Angel numbers?”

“Angel numbers. Like, a series of the number nine repeating. That means things are ending. A series of twos repeating means you’re doing the right thing. It’s just a superstition.”

The doctor nodded and wrote something down. Wilbur’s stomach coiled- was that the wrong thing to say?

“Do you ever feel very happy one day, and depressed the next?”

“Sure.”

“Have those around you ever commented on these mood swings?”

“I wouldn’t call it mood swings.”

“What would you call it?”

Wilbur settled a glare against the man.  
“…yeah, they’ve commented on it.”

“Do you often have a hard time controlling your emotions? Have you been known to have outbursts?”

Wilbur’s fists tightened. “Sure.”

“How often are these outbursts?”

“…whenever I get upset, I guess.”

“And how often is that?”

“Every few days, I guess.”

The doctor nodded and wrote something down. Wilbur felt a spark of irritation start a fire in his gut.

“What are you writing?” He snapped.

The doctor didn’t respond. “Wilbur, when you get the happy side of the mood swings, would you describe yourself as overexcited? Hyper?”

“…sure.”

“Hm”, the doctor wrote something down.  
“Well, Wilbur, I believe you have a classic case of manic depression. Or, uh, I should say bipolar disorder, that’s what it’s called nowadays.” 

Wilbur felt his heart sink. He stared at the carpet, the world reeling around him.

“Lucky for you, it’s treatable. We’re going to put you on antipsychotics and get you into therapy, do you have a therapist in mind?”

Wilbur looked up. “A-Antipsychotics? I’m not- what- why would I need antipsychotics?”

“Bipolar is a psychotic condition, so we treat it with antipsychotics.”

Wilbur felt his rage, disbelief, and fear bubble up inside him. 

“Do you have a therapist in mind? Or would you prefer I recommend one?”

Then it boiled over.

“I’m not fucking psychotic”, Wilbur snarled. “I’m not- I’m not fucking bipolar! I know bipolar, my dad was bipolar, I’m not fucking like him!”

“Was? Is the man in the waiting room not your father?”

“I don’t- I don’t have to tell you shit. Fuck. I’m leaving, I’m not doing this shit.” Wilbur stood up and went for the door.

“Wilbur, wait, I know this might be hard to hear, but you need treatment. It will make things so much easier for you!” The doctor insisted.

“I don’t need treatment, there’s nothing to fucking treat! Fuck off!” He threw the door open and stormed out.

Phil stood and dashed in front of him. “Wilbur, stop, stop, where are you going?”

“Get out of my way, Phil! This guy’s a fucking hack, I want to leave!” Wilbur’s fists balled at his sides.

“What happened?” Phil looked to the doctor and the door and back to his son. “Wilbur, what happened?”

“He said I’m-“ Wilbur was stopped by the lump in his throat. He forced the tears back. “He said I’m bipolar. He said I’m fucking- he said I’m psychotic. He’s a fucking hack, Phil, we need to find another one.”

Phil stared at him, then sighed and rested his head in his hand. “Wilbur, go back in. Let me come in with you.”

“He’s wrong, Phil. I’m not bipolar.”

“Wilbur. Please. Just go back inside, I’ll come with you.”

So the two sat on the couch while the doctor explained what bipolar disorder looked like. Every box was checked. 

“This is bullshit, Phil. He’s making shit up. I’m not fucking bipolar.”

“Wilbur, please.” Phil sighed.

“I’m not bipolar! He’s got it wrong, he’s making shit up!”

“Wilbur!” Phil finally met his eye, exasperation clear in his face. “Please, Wilbur. Please stop. You’re- you’re bipolar. It makes sense, okay? Literally every symptom he just listed is stuff you do.”

Wilbur felt his eyes sting with tears, but he quickly balled his fists and stood up. “Fuck you. Fuck both of you, you’re both fucking pieces of shit!” He yelled, then stormed out the door.

Phil sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Christ. I’m sorry, sir. Where can we pick up his antipsychotics?”

“I’ll have them sent to your local pharmacist. Good luck.” The doctor said, opening the door for Phil.

“Thank you”, Phil sighed.

Wilbur sat in the passenger seat of the car, arms crossed and staring out the window.

Phil sat in the driver’s seat and closed the door. He didn’t start the car.

“You’re not like him, Wilbur.” He said. 

“I want to go home”, Wilbur said, his voice cracking on every word.

“Okay, let’s go home.” Phil nodded and turned the ignition, then pulled out of the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are very appreciated!
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	12. talk to me baby get to know me, you can take it right back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wilbur and the very bad no good horrible brain

The car ride to school was quiet. Wilbur was bristly, ready to snap at any moment. Phil had checked him with a breathalyser that morning before he was allowed to drive them to school, and the hot shame was burning through his spine.

“So how’d the doctors stuff go?” Tommy asked, voice quiet.

Wilbur remained silent, so Techno spoke up. “They said I’m like, mega depressed. And I got anxiety and a- a depersolisa- depersonazation- deserpo- ugh. Like I space out and it’s a mental illness type deal thing.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Tommy mumbled.

Techno looked at his brother in the back seat. “Why’re ya sorry?”

Tommy shrugged. “That’s bad. And I was mean.”

Techno halted. He hadn’t expected Tommy to actually apologise. “I mean, you didn’t know.”

“I shouldn’t‘ve been mean anyway. You guys are weird, I shouldn’t think I know how you work.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You guys are weird. I dunno. You both get really mad and sad and stuff all the time. I don’t understand how you think. It’s like you have different rules for interacting with people.” 

Techno stared out the front window. Rain was pouring down, quickly being swept to the side by the wipers. 

“I guess I see what you mean”, Techno mumbled.

Wilbur pulled into the parking lot of the school and parked. He made no move to get out of the car.

“You okay?” Techno asked, eyeing him warily. He watched as his brother just sat there, staring at the steering wheel. Then he saw a tear slip down Wilbur’s cheek.  
“Wilbur, you good, buddy?”

He was silent. Tommy leaned forward to look at him too.

“Am I a bad person?” Wilbur asked, his voice cracking. Tommy and Techno exchanged a nervous glance. What the hell were they supposed to say to that?

“I think… you do bad things. You say bad stuff. But I don’t think you’re a bad person.” Tommy said, his foot starting to tap out of nerves.

The car was quiet for a minute. “The doctor said I’m bipolar”, Wilbur whispered.

Techno and Tommy exchanged another glance. 

“Is that a bad thing?” Techno asked.

“My dad was bipolar”, Wilbur said.

It took them both a second to realise he wasn’t talking about Phil. Both of them had been adopted when they were little kids, but Wilbur hadn’t been welcomed into the family until he was twelve. 

“Your first dad?” Techno asked.

“Yeah”, Wilbur mumbled. “He was a f-fucking piece of shit. I don’t…” his throat closed up. “I don’t want to be like him.” He said, his voice strained and tears spilling down his cheeks.

Techno sighed. “That’s a choice, Wilbur. It doesn’t matter if you have the same disorder as him. It’s your job to be better.”

“How?” He asked, turning and looking Techno in the eye for the first time.

“You could start by apologisin’ to us.” Techno deadpanned, a glare settling into his eyes.

“H-Have I wronged you?” Wilbur asked, his voice cracking on every word.

Techno laughed. “Christ, Wilbur. Tommy, come on. Let’s go to class.”

Tommy nodded and got his backpack and his umbrella. The two got out of the car, leaving Wilbur alone.

Wilbur watched them go. His felt his heart grow a little heavier.

“Wilbur!” Niki pulled him into a hug immediately, her head barely meeting his chest. 

Wilbur let himself smile and hug her back. “Hi, Niki. How’ve things been?”

“They’re fine for me, what’s been going on with you?! You’ve been gone for like a week! Minx said you were very rude to her, what did you do?” Her demeanour switched quickly as she pulled back and crossed her arms.

Wilbur’s smile cracked and faded. “Oh… well I was rude to her. I figure that’s self explanatory.”

“Why? Schlatt said you had a stomach bug, why did that make you rude?” Niki asked, looking up at him with a scrutinising eye.

Schlatt had lied to cover for him. Fuck.  
“Uh, the antibiotics I was on made me feel fucky. We should go to class, we’re going to be late.”

Niki watched him for a moment more, then nodded and followed him.  
“Are you going to apologise to Minx?”

He opened the classroom door for her. “Uh… do you want me to?”

“Yes, I want you to! She’s your friend, you can’t be rude to her!”

“We’re acquaintances at best.”

“Well she’s my friend, and I want you to get along with my friends.”

A scoff. “Why?”

Niki stared up at him. “You’re in a mood today Wilbur, and I don’t like it. Fix your attitude.”

Wilbur felt his stomach twist. He sat down at the desk beside her and stayed quiet.

Niki was sitting with Minx and Schlatt at lunch, which wasn’t out of the norm. She encouraged him to come sit with them, saying if he apologised they’d forgive him.

“Nope.” Schlatt said, not looking up from his phone. “Scram, Soot.”

Niki looked between the two men in confusion.

“Can we just talk?” Wilbur asked, his voice quiet and desperate.

“Nope.” Schlatt said, popping a french fry in his mouth.

“Schlatt, please, I want to apolo-“

“I said scram, Soot.” 

“If you could just let me explain-“

Schlatt was on his feet in a second, shoving Wilbur back. “I said scram, Soot. I’m not fucking around.” He growled, finally meeting Wilbur’s eye. 

“Schlatt, what the hell?!” Niki cried, rushing to Wilbur’s side. 

Wilbur stared at Schlatt, expression broken in pieces. “I… I didn’t mean to hurt you, Schlatt.”

“Soot, I’m gonna give you five more seconds to fuck off before I do something drastic.” Schlatt said, reaching into his inner jacket.

Wilbur remembered the gun and scrambled back. “Fucking Christ, man! I’m going, I’m going!” 

“Yeah, that’s what I fuckin’ thought. Get the fuck outta here.” He spat, puffing the collar of his jacket and sitting back down.

“Wilbur, what was that about? What did you do to him?” Niki asked, following Wilbur as he quickly left.

“I- I fucked up, because I’m a fucking piece of shit, like always”, Wilbur said, sniffling and wiping his eyes. 

“Wilbur, you’re not a bad person. Just tell me what happened”, Niki pleaded, having to jog to keep up with Wilbur’s pace.

“It doesn’t matter. Go back to them, Niki. I don’t want to hurt you too.”

“You aren’t going to hurt me, Wil.”

“Yes, I am!” He spun around, fists balled at his sides. “I’m a piece of shit, I’m an arsehole, can’t you tell?! Go back to Schlatt and Minx, Niki. Before I make you regret not listening to me.”

Niki stared up at him with wide eyes. “You… y-you’re not a bad person, Wil. This isn’t you.”

“This is the only me that’s left.” He snarled, his fists tightening.

Tears stung her eyes, still looking up at him like a deer in the headlights. “I don’t believe that.”

“You should. Your blindness will be the death of you.” He growled, towering over her, then turned on his heel and left.

“Uh… hi.” Techno said, looking up.

“Hi.” Wilbur said, his eyes darting from his brother to his friends. “Can I sit with you?”

“Um… no.” Techno averted his gaze. Skeppy and Bad looked away too.

Wilbur bit his lip. “Come on. Let me sit with you.”

Techno took a bite of his sandwich.

“Techno.”

“Yes?”

“Can I sit with you?”

“I believe I’ve already told ya no.”

“Let me sit with you.”

“No.”

“Techno, let me sit with you or I’ll tell Phil you aren’t.”

Techno laughed. “Holy shit, Wilbur. You’re like, an adult, you know that, right? You know you’re eighteen? You can legally vote? You’re gonna tattle on me to our dad because I’m not lettin’ you sit with me at lunch?”

Wilbur felt his face burn with embarrassment. “Fuck you.”

“Likewise.”

Wilbur turned and left.

“Hey, Toms. Can I sit with you?” He asked, ruffling his youngest brother’s hair. 

Tommy pulled away and swatted his hand. “What the fuck? Don’t touch my hair.”

Wilbur paused, staring at him. “Oh… sorry. Can I sit with you?”

He narrowed his eyes at him. “Why? What is this? What are you trying to do?”

“I’m trying to sit with my brother at lunch. Is that a crime?”

“…no, but-“

“But what?”

“Um… I dunno, don’t you have like, senior friends to sit with? Won’t you lose clout if you sit with freshmen?”

“I don’t care about clout. Can I sit with you?”

Tommy stared at his sandwich. Tubbo’s eyes flicked between the two, trying to figure out what was happening.

“Tommy, can I sit with you?”

“…no.”

“What? Why not?”

“You made fun of us last time you sat with us. You’re a bitch, I don’t wanna sit with you.”

Wilbur scoffed in disbelief. “I’m a bitch? God, Tommy, is your head so far up your own ass you can’t see how hypocritical you’re being?”

“…this is what I mean, Wilbur. You’re being a bitch.”

Wilbur sputtered. “I don’t- I’m not- I don’t- you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid fucking friends. You guys are losers.” He pulled on his backpack and stormed away.

He heard Tubbo whisper to Tommy as he left. “He’s really turned into an arsehole, huh?”

The grip on his backpack straps tightened.

He ate lunch alone in a classroom. The food tasted of nothing at all.

The ride home that afternoon was flooded with a thick silence. Techno sat in the back seat with Tommy. Wilbur gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white.

“Could you drop me off at the Vons? I’ll walk home, I just wanna get a monster.” Techno eventually spoke up.

Wilbur grit his teeth. “Sure, why the fuck not.”

So Tommy and Wilbur were left alone in the car.  
“Do you want to take shotgun?” Wilbur offered.

“Nah, I’m good.” Tommy said, scrolling through his phone.

Wilbur stared at him for a moment longer. Thought about taking Schlatt’s gun and putting it right between his eyes. Thought about the way his brains would splatter against the shattered back window.  
He blinked and shook his head, pushing those thoughts out of his mind.  
“Okay.”

Wilbur found himself in Techno’s room. Tommy was downstairs making himself a microwave burrito or some shit. Wilbur had no intention of doing his homework, so he was looking for things to do. The room was a mess, but it was a mess he was careful not to disturb. 

He sat on the bed and started looking through the things on the bedside table. A spare pair of reading glasses, three glasses of water at varying levels of emptiness, a little cactus, a few empty cans of monster. Two pill bottles. He picked one up, inspecting it closely.

Alprazolam. He opened the top and poured a couple into his hand, at which he let out a small gasp. That was Xanax. Techno had gotten prescribed Xanax? What the fuck? He looked around the room, checked the door and made sure no one was there. He shook a couple more out and pocketed them. 

He went to put the bottle back, but paused as something in his field of vision glinted. He leaned in, narrowing his eyes. There was a razor on the ground underneath the bedside table. It had tape on its back… like it had been taped to the underside of the table. 

Wilbur stared at it for a few seconds before it clicked. Techno was depressed, of course it would make sense that he’d cut himself. 

He knew the right thing to do was to tell Phil.

He also knew that he slightly less moral thing- blackmail- would secure him a steady stream of Xanax. A sick excitement settled in his stomach.

He had his phone back, Phil had let him have it back once he went back to school. The clock at the top read 2:34AM.

The light in Phil’s room had gone out at ten. Tommy’s followed suit at twelve.  
Techno’s room was still illuminated.

Wilbur knocked on his door- a light, gentle sound.

The door opened.  
“What do you want?”

“Can I come in?”

“Why?”

“I want to talk to you.”

Techno eyed him cautiously, but opened the door.

Wilbur closed it behind him, then leaned against it. A smirk tugged at his lips.  
“Did you know that Alprazolam is Xanax?”

Techno’s eyes widened. “No… I didn’t know that. Why are you bringin’ this up?”

Wilbur stared at him, then laughed. “Techno, do you wanna know what I found today?”

“…what did you find?”

Wilbur pushed off of the door and walked towards Techno. He towered over him easily.  
“I found a blade. Isn’t that funny? A blade? In Technoblade’s room?”

Techno looked up at him, backing away. “Don’t tell Phil.”

“I don’t plan on it”, Wilbur said, grinning. “Do you want to make sure I don’t ever tell him?”

Techno stared at him, thinking. “You want the Xanax.”

“You’re so smart, Techno.” Wilbur’s eyes were dark. “I’ve taken what I want for now. I’ll let you know when I want more. Do we have a deal?” He offered his hand.

Techno looked between his brother- his brother, who was threatening him- and his outstretched hand. He took it and shook.  
“Yeah, we… we have a deal.”

“I’m glad. I love you, Technoblade.” Wilbur said, his words sweet as cyanide.

He stared up at him. “I… I love you too, Wilbur.”

“Good.” Wilbur hissed. His grin nearly split his face in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love this crazy little guy. brainworms galore
> 
> (comments are very appreciated)
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	13. i eat an orange every morning and i take my time with the peel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alright here you monsters. take your fluff chapter and begone with you

Tommy knocked on Techno’s door. He heard shuffling on the other side, then the door opened.

“Hullo.”

“Hey. Do you wanna play minecraft?” Tommy asked, offering a smile.

Techno blinked. He felt his heart warm up a little. “Uh, yeah, I do. Lemme finish up my homework, okay? You can hang out in here until I’m done.”

Tommy grinned and went inside. “Your room is a pigsty, dude.” He said, hopping up on the bed and putting Phil’s laptop beside him. 

Techno laughed. “Yeah, I uh… I guess I haven’t been cleanin’ up much.” He said, sitting at his desk.  
“Do you wanna see if Wilbur wants to play too?”

Tommy shifted on the bed. “Not really, no.”

Techno nodded. “Understandable. He’s probably busy feelin’ sorry for himself, anyway.”

The other laughed a little at that. He stood up and hovered over Techno. “What’re you working on?”

“Essay on gender stuff. We got to choose our own prompts so I’m doin’ it on like, the toll that the school system takes on trans kids.” Techno said, not looking up from his screen.

“Oh. Can I read it?” Tommy asked.

“Not yet, but I’ll let ya look at it once I’m done. What, have people been givin’ you shit too?” Techno said, finishing his paragraph and closing the tab to look up at his brother.

Tommy shrugged. “Kinda. There’s this guy who keeps calling me my deadname and stuff. And like, other stuff.”

Techno’s eyes narrowed. “What kinda other stuff?”

Tommy averted his eyes, shifting his weight. “Just like, the d word and stuff. And the r word.” He glanced at Techno and felt a little spark of fear at his expression. He’d seen that expression a few times before. It was the equivalent of a giant red sign that read, “DANGER”.  
“It’s not a big deal. I don’t really care.” He insisted, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Do you know his name?”

Tommy swallowed his nerves. “Um, no, I don’t”, he lied through his teeth.

Techno stared at him for a moment longer, then hummed and pulled up minecraft on his computer.  
“So, Hypixel, or the Watson realm?”

Tommy almost sighed in relief. “Uh, I was thinking Hypixel. I feel like being carried in bedwars.”

Techno laughed a little. “Alright, that can be arranged.”

Tommy usually knew better than to walk in the back hallway of the school. He was distracted today, though. Tubbo was home sick and he was texting them as he walked.

“Hi, Emily.” A voice sounded from in front of him. He froze.

He looked up. Two guys stood in front of him, sophomores if he remembered correctly. Johnny and Freddie.

“Where’s your girlfriend? She not here today?” Johnny sneered, stepping forward.

“I-I have to get to class”, Tommy mumbled, turning around and trying to leave. His backpack got yanked back, then he was slammed into the lockers.

“Come on, Em, we’re just tryna talk to you!” Freddie had him pinned to the wall.

“Guys, I-I don’t want any trouble, I-“

“What the fuck is this?” A gravelly voice sounded from the other end of the hall. “Johnny, Freddie, surely you’re not this fucking stupid, right?”

Tommy tried to look, but he couldn’t see who it was. 

“Hey, man, don’t worry about it, okay?” Freddie said. “We’re just having a little fun.”

“Oh yeah, a little fun. With one of the Watson boys? You think that’s a good idea?”

The two froze. “Wait, she’s a Watson? Like a Technoblade Watson?” One of them asked.

“Yeah, like a Wilbur Soot Watson, too.”

The voice finally clicked in Tommy’s head. 

“Shit, uh, sorry, Schlatt. Didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.” Johnny and Freddie backed away, and Tommy could finally see his savior. He watched as Schlatt rolled the sleeves of his jacket up, fists balled.

“Scram.” He growled. The boys did exactly that. Schlatt walked up to Tommy, pulling the sleeves back down. “You alright, kid?”

Tommy nodded quietly. 

Schlatt stared at him. “Where’s Tubbo?”

Tommy shrugged.

Schlatt sighed. “You can fuckin’ talk to me, ya know. I’m not gonna hurt you or some shit.”

Tommy looked him in the eye. It felt a little silly, really, considering Tommy was nearly half a foot taller than him. He was just… intimidating. Despite his short disposition.

“Where’s Tubbo, Tommy?”

“They’re at home, they’re sick.”

“Do you have anyone to sit with at lunch?”

Tommy slowly shook his head.

“Do you wanna sit with me?”

This had to be a trap. “I thought you were mad at Wilbur.”

“What does that have to do with you?”

“We’re brothers.”

“Yeah, and you’re clearly a better person than him. I’m not gonna let any harm come to you, ya know? You don’t have to, but if you need someone to sit with at lunch, you know where to find me. Don’t use this hallway from now on, alright? You should know better.” Schlatt said, then ruffled Tommy’s hair, and walked away. 

Tommy stood there for a few more moments, stunned into silence. That was the most he’d interacted with Schlatt in years. And he was… nice?

The bell rang. He hurried to his next class.

Tommy knew that Schlatt and his group sat at the back of the school during lunch. He found them easily enough and approached quietly.

“Tommy! Come here, you can sit next to me.” Schlatt called, a lazy grin on his face. They were all in a circle, passing around what looked like a pen. Except it made smoke.  
Tommy sat beside him.

“Wait, why is Tommy here? Schlatt, you can’t trade one Watson out for another.” One of them snickered. Tommy didn’t know all of their names.

“Fuck off, that’s not what I’m doin’. Here, kid, d’you want some cheese its?” Schlatt said, offering a bag to him.

“Um, no thanks.” Tommy said. He got out his own lunch and started eating. He mentally decided he wouldn’t be doing this again, even if Schlatt did offer.

“Hey, kid, d’you wanna drink?” One of the girls, he vaguely remembered her name started with an M, offered him a water bottle. Schlatt slapped her hand. 

“Don’t.” He said, his tone serious.

“What, you’re gonna invite him to lunch and not even let ‘im have anything?” She complained.

“He’s fourteen, Minx.”

“Yeah, an’ I was like twelve when I started drinking! He can have a little.” She pushed the bottle into Tommy’s hands.

Schlatt grabbed it and put it in his backpack. “This is mine now. You don’t know how to act.”

Minx whined and laid back on the ground. “Schlaaaat, come oooon!”

“I’m done with my lunch, thanks for inviting me.” Tommy mumbled, standing up and leaving. He got about ten feet before he felt a hand on his wrist.

“Wait, kid, I’m sorry. She’s an asshole. I’m sorry she made you uncomfortable, okay? If you ever need anything, text me.” Schlatt handed him a slip of paper with his number on it.

Tommy looked at it, then back at him. “Why?”

Schlatt faltered. “Look, I just… I can’t imagine it’s easy to live with a guy like Wilbur. I don’t want him to hurt you. You’re a good kid.”

Tommy stared at him, then nodded. “Okay… thank you.”

Schlatt smiled. “You’re welcome. Stay safe, okay, kid?”

Tommy nodded again. 

“How’d your guys’ days go?” Wilbur asked, yawning as the two got in his car.

Tommy shrugged.

“I got an A-plus on my essay, so that was nice.” Techno said. 

“Oh, really? Good job, man.” Wilbur offered him a tired smile. They made the rest of the drive in silence, and when they got home, Wilbur went right to his room.

Techno and Tommy were left in the kitchen.

“So remember that guy I was telling you about?” Tommy piped up, smearing peanut butter on a bagel.

“The mean one?”

“Yeah, him. Today he and his friend tried to mess with me again.”

Techno quieted. “You’re sure you don’t want me to do somethin’?”

“No, that’s the thing! They didn’t do anything because Schlatt showed up and told them off!” 

“What?”

“Yeah! And then he invited me to eat lunch with him, but Minx tried to make me drink alcohol so I left, but then Schlatt gave me his number.”

Techno stared at him. “What?”

“Isn’t that crazy?”

“You didn’t drink anything, right?”

“No, god no. I don’t… I don’t ever wanna do that. I don’t wanna, um… y’know.”

“Yeah… yeah. Okay. What the hell?”

“Right?”

“Since when does Schlatt give a shit about anyone but Wilbur?”

“I don’t know! But now I have his number!”

“That’s insane. That’s actually insane, oh my god.” Techno laughed. 

“Right? It was so weird. Anyway, do you think we could play more minecraft tonight?” Tommy asked, taking a bite of his bagel.

Techno sucked in air through his teeth. “Uh… I would like to, but I dunno if I can. I gotta work on my biology homework.”

Tommy sighed. “Alright, I’ll see if Tubbo’s up to playing. Good luck with your homework”, he said, picking up his backpack and heading upstairs.

“Thanks, have fun”, Techno replied.

"Thanks!" Tommy called back, then shut the door to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ever heard of the calm before the storm?
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	14. and we're re-arranging furniture in a burning house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehe
> 
> [PAY THE TAGS MIND, WARNINGS ARE THERE FOR A REASON]

Spring break came quietly. The family had settled into a rhythm again, still tense, with the occasional bickering, but nothing as drastic as what had happened a few weeks ago. For the most part, it was because Wilbur had calmed down significantly. He was quiet more often, sleeping more. Tommy thought he must be depressed, because he was acting more like Techno.

Tubbo has a doctors appointment today, so he was at his own home instead of theirs. It was a rarity during breaks like this. Techno and Phil were at a psychiatrist appointment.

He had been playing minecraft for a few hours, but he was starting to itch for human interaction. He put a few things in his ender chest and logged off, sighing and standing up. Tommy stretched his hands above his head and yawned, then grabbed his phone and left his room.

“Hey, Wilbur?” He knocked on the door. No response came.

“Wilbur, do you wanna hang out?” He knocked again. Nothing. He cautiously opened the door and peeked inside.

His heart froze in its place.

Wilbur was laying on the ground, eyes open, unblinking. A small line of drool connected his open mouth and the puddle of vomit on the floor.

“Wilbur? Wilbur?!” Tommy ran to his side, rolling him on to his back and shaking him. “Wilbur, what- what are you doing?! What did you do?!” He cried, begging his brother to say something. His whole body was shaking, it felt like static, he could barely breathe. He pulled out his phone and dialled Schlatt’s number. It rang twice before he picked up.

“Hey, Tommy. You okay?”

“Wilbur- he- I don’t k-know what he d-did, he’s not m-moving and he- he threw up, a-and his eyes are open, and I d-don’t know what he did!” Tommy sobbed.

“Shit. Fuck. Okay, hang up and call 911, okay? They’re gonna take him to the hospital, I’ll meet you there.”

Tommy nodded and hung up, shakily dialling 911.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My brother, um, h-he isn’t moving, a-and he threw up, and his eyes a-are open, I d-don’t know what’s happening!”

“Okay, can I get your address to send an ambulance to your location?”

“U-Um, yeah, it’s uh, s-seven t-two four s-six, C-Cornflower Drive.” Tommy repeated off memory, choking back a sob as he spoke.

“Alright, the paramedics are on their way. It sounds like your brother overdosed on something, can you turn him on his side? That will prevent him from asphyxiating.”

Tommy nodded and did as he was told.  
“Okay, I-I did. What do I do now?”

“Just stay with him. The paramedics will be there soon.”

Tommy had never been inside an ambulance before. His nerves had walked away, leaving him with a numbness. He watched as the other people in the van hook his brother up to all kinds of different machines.

He followed them into the hospital. The doctors were fast paced, rushing through the pale white halls. He was told to wait in the waiting room.

He sat in the waiting room alone. He had never been inside a hospital before. He felt severely out of place. None of this should have been happening. None of this was supposed to happen.

Was any of this happening?

He felt a hand on his shoulder that jarred him out of his nothingness.

“Hey, Tommy, do you wanna call your dad? He should be here.” Schlatt was next to him. How long had he been there? 

Tommy nodded blankly and took out his phone. Dialled Phil. Pressed the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Toms, what’s going on? Why’d you call?”

“I’m at the hospital”, he said, his voice a quiet rasp.

“You’re- what? What happened?”

“Wilbur o-overdosed on s-something. I called 911.”

“Okay-“ The voice on the phone grew distant, “I’m sorry sir, there’s a medical emergency with my son, we’re going to have to leave early. Techno, get your things. Now.”  
The voice came close again.  
“I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay, Tommy?”

“Okay.”

The line went dead. 

“Tommy, you doin’ okay, buddy?” He felt a hand on his shoulder.  
“Tommy?”

He looked over at Schlatt. “This doesn’t feel real”, he said, his voice hardly a whisper.

Schlatt gritted his teeth. What the fuck was he supposed to say to that?  
“Uh… it is, sorry, bud.”

What only felt like seconds later, Tommy watched his dad rush in the hospital doors. He spoke to a few doctors, then was escorted back into the room they had Wilbur in. Techno sat down on the other side of Tommy.

“Uh… can I ask what you’re doing here?” Techno asked Schlatt, his usual confidence lacking.

“Tommy called me before he called the ambulance.” Schlatt explained.  
“Has Wilbur been like, going out places or something? I don’t understand how he could’ve overdosed, I cut him off and told all the other dealers at school to do the same.”

Techno stared at the linoleum floor. “He… um…” he swallowed the lump in his throat. “He got it from me.”

Tommy and Schlatt both stared at him.

“What?” Tommy was the first to speak.

“It’s Xanax. I got prescribed it, but he’s been takin’ it from me.” Techno said, his voice weaker than either had ever seen.

“You got him hooked on fuckin’ benzos? Christ, this is gonna be awful.” Schlatt buried his head in his hands. 

“You… w-why would you do that?” Tommy asked, his voice cracking. “W-Why did you give him y-your medication? He almost d-died, Techno!” Tommy cried.

“I’m sorry”, Techno whispered. “I’m sorry. I was bein’ a coward. I’m sorry.”

“Wh-What if I hadn’t found him, Techno?!” Tommy sobbed. “He w-would’ve died! Why the fuck did you g-give him your meds?!”

“He was blackmailin’ me, Tommy. I- I shouldn’t- that’s not an excuse, though. I shouldn’t’ve given in. I’m sorry”, Techno said, his voice cracking.

Tommy stared at him, tears streaming down his face. He stood up and stormed out of the building.

“Shit”, Schlatt swore, getting up to follow him.

Outside, Tommy sat on the curb, crying into his arms.

“Tommy, buddy, I’m sorry this is happening. I know it’s all really confusing, and really scary, but I promise Techno didn’t mean to hurt him.” Schlatt said, sitting beside him and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re no better! You said you c-cut him off, that means you were the one g-giving him stuff in the first place!” Tommy cried, pushing his hand away.

Schlatt’s throat tightened. “I know. I know, Tommy, I’m sorry. I was a bad influence, but I tried my best to keep him away from the hard stuff.”

“Well it didn’t work, did it?!” Tommy shouted, standing up.

Schlatt didn’t have the heart to tell him there were things a lot harder than Xanax, but he stood up and approached him again. “Tommy, let me drive you home. Hospitals are freaky, and he’s gonna be in there for a while. Come inside with me, okay? We can get Techno and go back to your house.”

Tommy glared at him, sniffling, but nodded. 

When they reentered, Phil was talking to Techno. Tommy could read from his stiff, jerky body language that he was furious. Phil looked up and saw the other two and sighed in relief.  
“Perfect. Schlatt, could you take Techno and Tommy home? I’ll give you thirty bucks for some pizzas, could you just watch them for the night?”

“Yes, sir. I was just suggesting the same thing.” Schlatt nodded and took the cash from Phil. 

“Thank you, thank you so much.” Phil sighed, blinking back tears. “Techno is grounded, don’t let any of his friends over. If Tommy wants to invite Tubbo, that’s fine. Please just keep them safe.”

“Of course, sir. Come on, Techno, let’s go.” Schlatt said, offering a hand to the middle child. Techno’s face was stained with tears. He slowly took the hand.  
“I’ll have them give me your number and I’ll text you so you can reach me”, Schlatt said.

“Thank you. Thank you, Schlatt, it really means a lot.” Phil sighed. “I love you two, please be safe.”

The two brothers nodded.  
“I love you too”, Tommy mumbled.

The ride back to their house was dead quiet. Schlatt’s car smelled like cigarettes and cheap car fresheners. It made Tommy feel sick.

When they got home, Tommy went upstairs without a word. 

The phone rang once before Tubbo picked up.

“Hi, Tommy!”

“Hi, Tubbo”, Tommy sniffled, sitting on his bed and wiping his nose.

“Oh, what’s wrong?”

“W-Wilbur overdosed. Techno w-was g-giving him drugs a-and he overdosed.”

“Oh my god, is he alive?”

“Y-Yeah, he’s in the hospital. My dad i-is with him. Can you come over?”

“Yeah, of course, I just got out of my doctors appointment.” The voice grew distant. “Eret, could you drive me to Tommy’s? No, something bad happened. Yeah, everyone’s okay. He just needs me. Yeah. Could I spend the night? I don’t know, hold on-“ the voice came close again, “Who’s gonna drive you to school tomorrow?”

“Schlatt is here.”

“Schlatt is there. Yeah, he can drive us. Okay. Okay, thanks.” Tubbo put their phone back to their ear. “I’ll be over in ten, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Alright, I’ll see you soon.”

The line went dead.

Tubbo held him for hours. He sobbed his throat to a point of devastation. He couldn’t shake the image of Wilbur laying on the floor, dead to the world. Every time he closed his eyes he could see his lifeless eyes, smell the acrid vomit. Tubbo did their best to comfort him, to tell him Wilbur was safe and this wouldn’t happen again, but it only made him cry harder. At one in the morning, Tommy finally fell asleep, face tear stained and throat raw. Tubbo held him through the night.

“It’s not your fault, y’know.” Schlatt took a bite of the pizza him and Techno had ordered.

Techno took a bite of his own slice and said nothing.

“Seriously. I dunno what he was blackmailin’ you with, but I imagine it was nasty. He’s- he’s a very manipulative person. He’s also an adult, he shouldn’t’ve been bullying his kid brother into giving him his meds. It’s really fucked up.” Schlatt said. When Techno didn’t say anything, he sighed. “Look, I’m gonna step out for a smoke, do you wanna get some fresh air?”

Techno hesitated, then nodded. He followed Schlatt outside and sat on the curb with him. It was dark out, the streetlight above them casting them in an orange dusk.

“Can I have one?” Techno asked, his voice cracking and raw.

Schlatt eyed him over. “As long as you don’t make it a habit, sure.” He took one out of the box and handed it to Techno as well as his lighter. Techno read the box- Newport Menthols.

He lit the cigarette and took a drag.

Schlatt narrowed his eyes at him. “This isn’t your first time, huh?”

Techno shook his head.

Schlatt sighed. “Don’t follow in Wilbur’s footsteps, man. It’s just a bad path to go down.”

“Why did you let him then?”

Schlatt stared at the asphalt below his sneakers and took a drag, then let it out with a sigh. “It just made him happy at first. I liked seein’ him happy. Then it got bad. It always gets bad. I’ve never seen someone start and then just… stop before it got bad.”

Techno nodded.

“Look, I know this is rich coming from me, but it really isn’t your fault. Everything he did was his choice. They were choices made outta desperation, sure, of course they were, but that doesn’t mean you’re at fault for being manipulated. He screwed you over, okay? He took advantage of you.” Schlatt said, smoke coiling from his lips as he spoke.

“I almost killed him”, Techno said, his voice a quiet, broken rasp.

“No, dude, he almost killed himself. You were just someone he fucked over in the process.” Schlatt reiterated.

They were quiet for a few minutes. They finished their cigarettes and put the butts out on the road.

“Phil is never gonna forgive me”, Techno said.

Schlatt looked at him. “He might not. If he doesn’t see that it wasn’t your fault, that’s on him.”

Techno felt the lump in his throat grow. He felt tears prick his eyes, and he took a shaky breath. “I think Wilbur was right about me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m better off dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day because im insane in the membrane. howre yall doing
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
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	15. and what do we see here washing up on the beach in november

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i haven't updated in three days... shame... for shame... anyway enjoy schlatt centric beach episode

Schlatt stared at him, eyes wide. “Fucking Christ, Technoblade. Don’t- Don’t say shit like that.” 

Techno bit his lip and choked back a sob. “I-I’m sorry.”

Schlatt sighed and stood up, offering his hand. Techno hesitantly took it, and was surprised when the other pulled him up into a tight hug. He was frozen for a moment, but then he felt Schlatt’s hand gently stroking his hair, and he broke down. He sobbed, letting himself put his weight in the other’s embrace. His cries were harsh, ugly wails that bubbled out of his mouth like they had been waiting inside for years.

“I know, kid. I know.” Schlatt sighed. He let Techno dry himself out, holding him and gently stroking his hair all the while. 

“I-I’m sorry”, Techno finally pulled away, sniffling and wiping his nose.

“Don’t apologise. Just don’t… don’t think like that, okay? Let’s go inside.” Schlatt said, taking his hand.

Techno nodded and followed him in. 

“I’ll be downstairs, just come bother me if you need anything, okay?” Schlatt said, standing at Techno’s doorframe.

“Okay”, he said, nodding. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Sleep well.” He closed the door and headed downstairs. He sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair. Schlatt put on the tv and pulled a flask out of his jacket’s inner pocket.

The flask was simple. Shiny silver with an engraving on it that just read, “Schlatt”. It had been his father’s first. He took a swig and put it away, pulling his gun out of the opposite pocket. He held it, letting himself feel the cold, hard plastic and metal against his skin. The weight of it made him feel safe. Made the fear subside, even if just for a moment.

“Fucking hell, Wilbur.” He mumbled to himself, clicking the safety off. He stared at it, then clicked the safety back on.  
“What’ve you done?”

Tommy and Tubbo were downstairs when Schlatt woke up. He sat up on the couch, bleary eyed, and looked around.

Tommy was sobbing into his hands in the kitchen, Tubbo holding him close.

Schlatt grimaced and stood up, clearing his throat and making himself known. Tommy quickly pulled away and wiped his eyes.  
“Is Technoblade up yet?” Schlatt asked.

“Um, I-I don’t know”, Tommy said, trying to put on a brave face.

“Go wake him up, I’m gonna call you guys in sick to school today.” Schlatt said, stretching and cracking his back.

“What? Why?”

“I’m gonna take you guys to the beach. You just went through a fuckin’ headache of a bad day, you shouldn’t have to go to school right after that.” Schlatt said, puffing the collar of his jacket and going to the kitchen.

“Phil said we had to go to school, though”, Tommy protested.

“If you want to go to school, I’ll drive you to school. I’m offering to drive you to the beach, though.” Schlatt pulled a coke out of the fridge and cracked it open.

Tommy and Tubbo shared a look.  
“Can Tubbo come too?”

“Of course.”

“Okay, I’ll go wake Techno up. Do you need to borrow swim trunks?” Tommy grinned.

“Thank you for the offer, but I’m not gonna get in the water. Go wake Technoblade up, tell him to invite his green friend.” Schlatt said.

Tommy nodded and ran upstairs. 

Schlatt yawned and reached into his jacket, pulling his flask out and taking a swig.

“Is there alcohol in that?” Tubbo asked, making Schlatt jump. 

“Shit! Fuck- Christ, I thought you want upstairs with Tommy!” Schlatt scrambled to cap it and put it back in his jacket.

“Nope. Is there alcohol in that?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“Why?”

“Kid, could you give it a rest?”

“Can I have some?”

Schlatt stared at Tubbo. They were one of the people that was actually shorter than Schlatt, which made him feel a little better. “You’re like, twelve, dude.”

“Fifteen, actually.”

“No, you cannot have whiskey at fucking seven in the morning.”

“But you can?” 

Schlatt felt the spark in his heart before he knew what was happening. “I said drop it, kid!” He shouted, raising his fist.

Tubbo stared up at him with wide, watering eyes. “S-Sorry. I didn’t mean to- um- I didn’t mean to u-upset you.” They said, backing up.

He was suddenly confronted with the reality of the situation. He dropped his fist and ran a hand over his face. “Fuck. Fucking hell. I’m- I’m sorry, kid. I’m sorry.” He sighed.  
“Go upstairs with Tommy, okay?” 

Tubbo nodded and hesitantly backed away, then sprinted up the stairs.

“Fucking hell”, Schlatt grumbled to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
“What are you doing, man?” He asked the air around him.

They pulled up in front of Dream’s house and parked, waiting for him to come out. The place was huge, two stories, high ceilings and marble countertops. Schlatt had no idea what the kid’s parents did for a living, but he couldn’t help being bitterly envious.

The teen in question came running out a few moments later, carrying a boogie board and a beach bag. Painfully Floridian, in Schlatt’s opinion. 

He got in the back with Tommy and Techno, immediately hugging Techno and sharing a laugh. Schlatt bit his lip. He’d never had a friendship like that. Him and Wilbur were close, sure, but if Techno and Dream were a flower, Wilbur and Schlatt were the thorns. 

On the ride to the beach, they rolled the windows down and blasted music. Each person got to play a song or two in the thirty minute drive. The songs cycled from lofi with Tubbo, to video game soundtracks with Tommy, to punk rock with Techno, to folk punk with Dream, and finally to classic rock with Schlatt. 

Schlatt parked at the top of the cliff and stayed at the back of the group as they made their way down. Tommy and Tubbo were already in a lively, floral conversation and Techno and Dream were laughing and shoving each other as they walked. Schlatt walked behind them and lit a cigarette, his steps slow and heavy. 

He had been here last with Wilbur, the night he’d ran away. He remembered the way Wilbur had looked at him, his eyes far too honest and open for Schlatt to handle. “Run away with me”, he’d said. All manic grins and wide, bright eyes. 

He didn’t think the overdose was intentional. Well, he didn’t think the overdose was consciously intentional. Schlatt took a seat on a rock by the base of the cliff, watching as Techno and Dream roughhoused in the waves, while Tommy and Tubbo built a hotel for sand crabs. 

Wilbur wasn’t the type to kill himself without a note. Schlatt knew him too well, he was a drama queen to the very end. He was glad Wilbur had survived, because he knew he would’ve been pissed to die to a stupid mistake like that. It wouldn’t have been poetic enough for him. No, his death would have to had been a piece of art. A ballet, a painting, a bullet through the head and splatter of blood on a handwritten note.

Schlatt took a finishing drag from the cigarette and put it out on the rock beside him.

“You doing alright?” Dream asked, pushing a sandy pink lock of hair out of Techno’s eyes.

Techno shrugged. They’d been there roughly an hour, and the euphoria of being at the beach was starting to subside in favor of guilt again.

“You thinking about Wilbur?” Dream asked, tracing a smiley face in the sand.

Techno nodded.

“So he was threatening to tell Phil you were cutting unless you gave him the pills, right?” 

Techno felt a lump form in his throat and nodded.

Dream stared out at the ocean. “Would have been so bad for Phil to know?”

Techno choked back a sob. “N-No, it wouldn’t. I should’ve just t-told him.”

Dream nodded. He didn’t say anything for a while, just listening to the roaring waves. Techno wiped his eyes, avoiding plaguing them with sand as best he could.

“This is s-stupid”, Techno sniffled. “Wilbur’s in the hospital a-and we’re playin’ at the beach.”

“Would you rather be in school?”

“No… I wouldn’t rather be doin’ anythin’.”

“Do you want to go home?”

Techno hesitated, then nodded. Dream stood up and dusted himself off. “I’ll go tell Schlatt”, he said.

When Dream found Schlatt at the base of the cliff, Tubbo was already there talking to him.  
“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Tommy feels really bad, he wants to go home.” Tubbo explained.

“Oh, I came over because Techno feels bad and wants to go home.” Dream offered a half laugh.

Schlatt buried his face in his hands. “How did I fuck up a trip to the beach?” He asked, his voice low and gravelly. 

“I don’t think you fucked it up, I think they’re both just traumatised and the shock kept them going until this point. You can only deny your brother overdosing for about two hours, apparently.” Dream shrugged, patting Schlatt on the shoulder. Schlatt looked up at him incredulously. 

“Did you just pat my shoulder?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m trying to comfort you, man.” Dream scoffed.

Schlatt stared at him for another moment. This kid genuinely wasn’t scared of him, huh? Cocky. He sighed and stood up, brushing himself off.  
“Alright, go get your friends, let’s get this show on the road.”

The drive home was nearly silent. Dream sat in shotgun this time, Tubbo comforting the two brothers in the back. Tommy was sniffling, tears slowly weaving down his face. Techno was nearly despondent, staring out the window.

“Do you smoke?” Dream asked.

Schlatt blinked, taking a second to jar himself out of his thoughts and process that he was being spoken to. “Uh, smoke what?”

“Cigarettes, what else?”

Schlatt scoffed. “There’s a lot more in the world you can smoke than just cigs. But to answer your question, yes. Why?”

“Because your car smells like shit”, Dream said.

Schlatt’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. “You’re cocky, you know that?”

“I’ve been told.”

Schlatt huffed a small laugh. 

“What else do you smoke?” Dream asked, kicking his feet up on the dashboard.

“I’m not answering that. Get your fuckin’ shoes off my dashboard.”

“Come on, tell me. Do you do drugs?”

“Kid, I’m not gonna ask you again. Get your fucking shoes off my dashboard. Now.”

Dream laughed. “Dude, no offence, but I’m not scared of you. You’re like what, five-three? On a good day?”

Schlatt stared dead ahead for a moment, then signalled right and pulled off into a shoulder. He stopped the car.  
“You’re not scared of me?”

“Oh gosh, you pulled over, now I’m really scared.” Dream laughed.

“What’s goin’ on? What’re you two talkin’ about?” Techno leaned forward.

“This punk’s got his fuckin’ shoes on my dashboard, and he’s not moving them.” Schlatt growled.

“Dream, that’s just rude. Stop.” Techno scolded.

“What? I’m just trying to relax!” Dream snickered. “It’s funny, anyway! He thinks he’s scary!”

Techno darted a quick look between the two. “Dream, seriously, stop.”

“What’s he gonna do? Bite my ankles?” Dream laughed, then he felt something cold between his eyes. His entire body froze as he realised there was a gun to his head.

“Take”, Schlatt met his eyes, “your fuckin’ shoes”, Dream heard a click, “off my dashboard.”

Dream nodded, eyes wide and hands shaking, and put his feet squarely on the floor of the car. Techno, Tommy, and Tubbo stared in paralysed fear.

“Thank you.” Schlatt grinned and put the gun back in his jacket, then pulled back onto the road.

The rest of the ride was silent as the dead. Schlatt let a smirk play on his lips. Not scared of him, his ass.

They dropped Dream off at his house, and Tubbo off at theirs. Schlatt drove through in-n-out and bought the brothers lunch, then took them home. The two went upstairs to their rooms with their food.

Schlatt sat on the couch and watched tv for a few hours, ending up a little tipsy and falling asleep around four.

At five, he woke up to his phone ringing.

“Hello?” He pressed it to his ear, turning the tv off.

“Hi, Schlatt, it’s Phil. Wilbur’s finally woken up, we’re gonna head home in a few minutes. Please tell the boys we’re on our way.” 

“Will do, sir. I’ll see you soon.”

“Thank you, bye.”

“Bye.”

Schlatt trudged up the stairs and shouted into the hall, “Wilbur and Phil are on their way home!”

He got two muffled, “Okay!”s and went back downstairs. 

He started to pace. He wasn’t going to leave, he… he needed to see Wilbur. Even if it hurt like a bitch. Even if every time they got close, Wilbur would lash out and wound him. 

The front door unlocked and opened. Wilbur was walking with Phil’s help, he was pale, sickly, and… broken. Their eyes met.

“Schlatt?” Wilbur choked back a sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you didnt think that beach episode meant fluff
> 
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> 
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	16. it's too soon for you to see me with my wings spread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one goes out to the anonymous "techno kinnie" who has been here from like the very beginning and said they had missed the fic when i came back after my three day hiatus that meant a lot :) also i realised there's a fucking plothole between chapter 14 and 15 which is really fucking frustrating (that's what happens when i take a three day hiatus i guess) so if you spot it pretend it doesn't exist for my sake

He felt light. His head felt separate from his body, like it was floating away.

How many pills had he taken?

He couldn’t remember.

The world was a blur, all fuzzy grey shapes and muffled noises.

He realised he wasn’t breathing, so he took a nice, deep, slow breath, and let it out again. 

He heard something, a muffled sound of someone talking. A muffled sound of someone crying. Muffled sirens.

He felt his body lifted up, and at that moment, the world went black. He faintly wondered if he was dead, if this was what death felt like.

If this was death, death was nothing at all.

He woke up with a dry mouth and a sharp pain in the crook of his elbow.

Wilbur blinked and looked around, taking a few shallow breaths. The first thing he saw was Phil.

“Phil?” He looked around. “What… What happened?”

He felt his father’s arms around him, heard him sobbing into his shoulder.  
“You overdosed, Wil. Fucking hell, I-I thought you were dead.”

Wilbur stared at the white wall across the way. It took a moment to set in. He took a breath and let it out. He had almost died.

He had almost died.

Once that clicked, his brain flooded. He had almost died. He hadn’t died. He had overdosed. How was he at the hospital?

“How… How did I get to the hospital?” He asked. Everything in his mind screamed at him. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know.

“Tommy found you, Wilbur.” Phil said, looking into his eyes. Wilbur stared back, eyes wide.

“No. Tell me he didn’t. Tell me it was someone else.” Wilbur begged, choking back a sob.

“Tommy found you.” Phil repeated, his own voice cracking. His eyes were broken glass, his words the blood that leaked.

Wilbur let out a sob.

The drive home was painfully quiet. The doctors had recommended rehabilitation. Wilbur’s stomach was still in a knot just from that.

“What would you like for dinner?” Phil asked, his voice far away.

Wilbur shrugged. “‘m not hungry.”

“You’ve been out for a day. You need to eat.” Phil insisted, looking over at his son.

Wilbur shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Okay… could we order pizza?”

“Sure”, Phil said, pulling into the driveway. He parked the car and leaned back in his chair, sighing.  
“Wilbur, this has to be the end of this. This has to be where you stop the drinking, and the smoking, and the drugs. Okay?” He tried to meet his eyes.

Wilbur stared a hole in the floor below him.  
“Okay”, he whispered.

“I can help you, okay? I don’t understand the drugs, but, the smoking and the drinking… you can talk to me, okay? I… I know how hard it is.” Phil sighed.

He finally looked at his father. “You do?”

“Yeah, Wilbur. Like I said, you’re not the first alcoholic in the world.” Phil said, offering a sad smile with broken eyes.

“But you never drink”, Wilbur mumbled.

“Exactly.” Phil sighed. “Come on, let’s go inside, okay?” Phil got out of the car and went to the other door, opening it and offering his hand to his son. Wilbur hesitated for a moment. He took the hand and stood on wobbly legs, then leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his father. Phil hugged him back, holding the back of his head in one hand and burying his head in his shoulder.  
“I love you, Wilbur. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, dad.” Wilbur mumbled.

Phil helped him to the door and unlocked it.

Wilbur walked in and froze where he stood.  
“Schlatt?” He choked back a sob and pulled himself away from Phil.

“Wilbur!” Schlatt pulled him into a hug, holding him tight. “You are such a fucking idiot, oh my god”, Schlatt growled, hugging him tighter.

The dam broke, Wilbur started sobbing into his friend’s arms. “I’m s-so sorry, Jay, I’m sorry, I d-didn’t mean it! I’m so s-sorry I was so stupid! You were r-right, I-I’m a f-fucking piece of shit”, he cried.

“Wilbur, shut up. Please just fucking shut up. Stop crying.” Schlatt pulled away, holding his shoulders and looking into his eyes. Wilbur nodded and sniffled, looking down at his best friend.  
“Never do that again. Never.”

“I-I know, I’m s-sorry, I-“

“Don’t interrupt me, Wilbur. Never do that again, or I will actually kill you to finish the job.” Schlatt growled.

Wilbur sniffled, then let out a laugh. “Fuck, I’ve missed you, Jay.”

“Ah-ah. No. You got one first name pass and you used it. Keep that shit out of your mouth.” Schlatt ordered.

Wilbur nodded, wiping his eyes. “Yeah, sorry, Schlatt.”

“Wilbur?!” He looked up to see Tommy sprinting down the stairs, followed by Techno who was running too. Tommy latched on to Wilbur immediately, burying his face in Wilbur’s sweater and crying.  
“I-I was so scared, Wilbur, I th-thought you were dead!” Tommy sobbed.

“I’m sorry, Tommy, I’m so, so sorry”, Wilbur pleaded, holding his brother close. 

Techno watched from a few feet away as the two cried and repeated their love and worry for one another. He wanted to hug Wilbur. He wanted to apologise for letting him take the Xanax. He wanted to apologise for everything he’d ever done. 

He just watched.

After a while, Phil called in the pizza, and they all settled into their separate rooms. 

Wilbur and Schlatt laid together on his bed, not touching.

“I can’t believe you almost pulled a gun on me at school”, Wilbur snickered.

“I pulled it on Dream today, actually.”

“What? Why were you with Dream? Why did you pull a fucking gun on him?”

“Long story. Besides, you and him both had it coming.”

Wilbur huffed a laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“So are you gonna change?”

Wilbur swallowed the lump in his throat. “I, uh… I guess.”

“That’s not convincing, Soot.”

“I am! I am, I just… I don’t know where to start.”

“Start by apologising.”

“To who?”

“Fucking everyone, Wilbur. Me, Minx, Niki, Techno, I’m sure you’ve fucked over Phil and Tommy too.”

Wilbur nodded. He looked over at Schlatt. “Hey, you don’t… you don’t have anything on you right now, right?”

Schlatt looked at him, betrayal furrowing his eyebrows. Then Wilbur felt a sharp pain on the side of his face where a red handprint started to form.

“What the fuck?!”

“What the fuck, you, Wilbur! You’ve been out of the hospital for an hour and you’re already fucking shit up again! Are you serious?! Asking me if I have anything on me?!”

“It was just a question! You didn’t have to slap me!” 

“Apparently I did, because you can’t get it through your fucking skull that you’re hurting people!” Schlatt shouted, getting up off the bed. “Fuck, Wilbur! I thought that overdosing would at least knock some fucking sense into you!”

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean it!”

“Yes you did! Yes you did fucking mean it, Wilbur! Christ! You haven’t fucking changed at all!” Schlatt’s fists balled at his sides. “Promise me. Promise me right fucking now that you’re never gonna get high or drunk again.”

Wilbur stared up at his friend. He couldn’t make that promise, it would break too easily.

“Wilbur, if you don’t promise right fucking now, I am walking out the front door and I am never coming back.”

Wilbur felt his nerves making his hands shake. He couldn’t lose Schlatt again. He couldn’t.  
“I-I promise.”

“What do you promise?”

“I promise I won’t ever get drunk or high again.”

Schlatt glared down at him for a moment longer. His gaze softened and he sighed. “You’re a fucking wreck, you know that?”

Wilbur nodded.

Phil startled at the knock on his door and immediately opened it.  
“Schlatt, hey, come on in.” He said, backing up to let him in.

“Hey”, Schlatt sighed, “I need to talk to you about Technoblade.”

Phil shut the door. “What about him?”

Schlatt grimaced and scratched the back of his head. “Yesterday, uh, last night I guess, we were talking. I think he’s, like, seriously suicidal.”

Phil’s eyes widened as his heart sank. “Right now? I know he- he had issues with it last year, what did he do that made you think that?”

“He told me he thought he was better off dead.” Schlatt said, averting his gaze.

Phil stared at him for a moment, then buried his head in his hands. “I’m going to kill Wilbur.”

“What did Wilbur do?”

“He… ugh, he was very nasty to Techno. He said that Techno should’ve gone through with his suicide attempt.” Phil said, his voice breaking on exhaustion.

It clicked in Schlatt’s mind, that was what Technoblade had meant when he said Wilbur was right about him. His fists balled at his side.  
“Jesus Christ”, he muttered through gritted teeth. “Well, I just thought you should know. I’m gonna go talk to Wilbur.”

Phil sighed and nodded. “I’ll go talk to Techno.”

The door slammed shut behind Schlatt. Before Wilbur knew what was happening, Schlatt had him gripped by the collar of his shirt with a fist raised.  
“You told your suicidal brother he was better off dead?!” Schlatt shouted.

Wilbur wriggled in his grip, trying to get his hands off him. “I-I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have, I-I know!” His heart was beating like a jackrabbit, his legs kicking helplessly.

“You are cyanide, Wilbur! You’re fucking poison!” Schlatt swung, landing an easy blow on the side of Wilbur’s face.

Wilbur felt the pain shoot through him, and like a catalyst, he felt it stab his heart and mind. Euphoria rushed through him, and his head lulled back. “Fuck”, he choked out, falling against the bed as Schlatt dropped him.

Schlatt stared down at him, trying to process the reaction. “Did I just give you a concussion?”

Wilbur shook his head. “No, no, it… fuck…” he took a shaky breath and looked at Schlatt. “Can you do that again?”

“What?! What the fuck?! Are you getting off on this?!” Schlatt backed away.

“No! No, please, just… fuck”, Wilbur looked up at him with obsessive eyes, “I love you, Schlatt.”

Schlatt stared down at him, eyes wide. “You’re fucked up, man. Why did me hitting you make you love me?”

“It didn’t- it was just- it made me realise.” Wilbur confessed. “I just- you hurt me, and it felt… it felt like love. It felt- It felt right. It felt divine.”

“What the fuck? What is wrong with you?” Schlatt didn’t bother hiding the disgust on his face.

“No- you- you have to know what I mean. Please tell me you know what I mean. It felt like god. Do you know what I mean?” Wilbur moved forward, on his knees with his hands out in the mockery of a prayer.

Schlatt stared down at him.  
“…explain what you mean. I’ll listen.” 

“Okay, okay. Since the beach, I’ve been in the dark. I’ve been in- in this dark, dark abandoned house. When I saw you earlier, you turned on a light. And- And I could see the colors of the wallpaper! I could see the texture of the armchairs, the golden grains of the wooden table. But then- But then you hit me”, Wilbur took a shaky breath, his eyes wide, “and I could see the people. I could see humanity within the house again. Everyone’s souls came back, everyone’s bodies. I could feel the warmth of blood rushing through everyone’s veins again. The warmth of life.”

Schlatt stared down at him, then ran a hand over his face. Of course Wilbur had to be a fucking poet about being touch-starved.  
“I… I know what you mean.”  
He sat beside him, sighing.  
“I know what you mean. I wish I didn’t.”

“Can… Can you hit me again?” Wilbur asked, biting his lip.

“No. You’re a piece of shit, but I don’t actually want to hurt you.” Schlatt said.  
“You have to get your act together, Wilbur. Don’t make me hate you.”  
He took a breath and let it out.  
“Loving you is already painful enough.”

Phil knocked on Techno’s door.

“Hullo?” The muffled voice came from the other side.

“Hey, Techno. Could I come in?”

A few moments passed, the sound of shuffling bled through the walls, and the door opened. Techno was wrapped in his grey comforter. He was taller than his father by about four inches, so he found himself looking down to make eye contact.

Phil went in and gently closed the door behind him.  
“We need to talk, but don’t freak out, okay? You’re not in any more trouble than you already were, and I’m not mad at you.”

Techno nodded and sat on the bed.

Phil sat too, pausing when he heard the music playing from the computer.  
“Who’s this?” He asked.

“Ezra Furman.”

“Was she the one you and Dream went to the concert for in LA?”

“Mhm.”

He spent a moment listening to the lyrics.  
“If you still want me, please forgive me.  
The crown of love has fallen from me.  
If you still want me, please forgive me.  
Because the spark is not within me.”  
He decided not to read into that for the time being.

“Can you tell me why you were giving Wilbur your meds?”

Techno averted his gaze. He took his glasses off and cleaned them on his t-shirt.  
“He, um… threatened me.”

“He did? What did he threaten you with?”

“Stuff.”

“Techno, please.”

“I don’t wanna really talk about it.”

“Techno.” Phil tried to look him in the eyes. “This is serious.”

Techno put his glasses back on and stared at the floor.

“Tommy said he blackmailed you. What did he blackmail you with?”

Techno felt a lump form in his throat. He kept his mouth shut.

“Does he know something that I don’t?”

Techno swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked back tears. He took a shaky breath and leaned forward, hand going under the bedside table. 

Phil’s heart sank. Techno held a small razor in his hand. He took his son’s hand in his own, gently taking the blade. He pulled Techno into a silent embrace. 

It took a few moments, but Techno started to shake. His shoulders heaved as he sobbed, voiceless gasps into his father’s shoulder. “I-I’m sorry”, he whispered, more a prayer than an apology.

“Don’t apologise, Techno. Don’t apologise.” Phil assured him, holding the back of his head with one hand. After a few minutes of Techno’s quiet crying, he slowed into the occasional sniffle. Phil pulled away, his hands on his son’s shoulders.  
“I never want you to go through this alone. Ever again. Next time you feel this way, I want you to come to me. Any time, night or day. Even if I’m at work, or I’m asleep, or I’m at a wedding, or a funeral, I always want you to come to me. Do you understand?”

Techno averted his gaze. “I-I don’t wanna be a burden to you”, he mumbled, his voice cracking.

“Techno, you will never, ever be a burden to me. Okay? I love you. You’re my world, Techno. You’re my soul.” Phil said, cupping his son’s cheek in on hand and wiping away a tear with his thumb. 

Techno choked back a sob, then let it out when Phil pulled him into another hug. 

“I love you, Techno.”

“I love you too, dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because there was some discussion of it in the last chapter's comments, here's everyone's heights in this  
> dream - 6'3  
> wilbur - 5'11  
> techno - 5'11  
> tommy - 5'9  
> phil - 5'7  
> schlatt - 5'4  
> tubbo - 5'2
> 
> ALSO i know jschlatts real name is jonothan schlatt not "jay" schlatt but i think jay is better and funnier and i don't respect the real guy anyway so im doing what i want
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	17. a human is something that rises and falls over time dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the f slur is used in this chapter again just a heads up :^)

Wilbur had never been religious. No, that was a lie. He had been raised Christian. He didn’t remember what branch now, he had been too young. He wasn’t Christian, he knew that much. He believed in God, though. He believed in angels. He didn’t believe in Jesus, but he did believe in hell. 

He had ideas about God. Ideas that God was a compass rose, eight points. Eight on its side was infinity, and God was infinity. God was love, and hatred, and suffering, and kindness. 

Wilbur knew that he was an angel. He never brought it up, never spoke it aloud, but in the basement of a church surrounded by others, he knew he was different. He knew he was closer to God than any of them.

“Victoria, would you like to share?”

He knew that he felt the wrath of God in its holy fire within him.

“My name is Wilbur.”

“Oh! Right, sorry. Wilbur, would you like to share?”

Wilbur shifted in his seat. They sat in a circle, going down the way and introducing themselves and explaining why they were there. It was his first meeting. It tasted like cigarette ash on his tongue.

“Uh… my name is Wilbur Soot Watson. I’m eighteen, I’m… I’m a trans guy.” He spoke through gritted teeth and a lump in his throat.

“And why are you here, Wilbur Soot?”

Wilbur twitched his head to the side. “I… um… I overdosed on Xanax. And before that, I, um, I was…” he couldn’t say it, “doing other stuff.”

“What do you mean by other stuff?”

He felt the wrath of God burning in his veins.

“…drinking. A lot.”

“Thank you for sharing, Wilbur. Melody, would you like to share next?”

Wilbur let himself stop paying attention. His eyes traveled across the room. Cracked concrete floors, cheap ceiling lights, wood panel walls that looked straight out of the seventies. There were crucifixes on every wall. Some wooden, silver, et cetera. The one that caught his eye was golden. Thin, with the little pointy things on each of the four ends. He could feel the blind eyes of God watching him through it.

“I’m fucking fine, it doesn’t matter!” Wilbur slammed the car door and stormed off to the house. 

“Wilbur Soot!” Phil shouted, his tone hard and serious.

Wilbur stopped in his tracks. He turned, looked at his father, heart racing at the sudden change in energy.

“Wilbur”, Phil stepped towards him, “I don’t care if you shout at me. I don’t care if you cuss me out, okay? But you will not take that inside the house. You will not aim that at your brothers. Do you understand?”

Wilbur averted his gaze. “I wasn’t going to”, he insisted.

“Really? What if Techno was in the kitchen right now? What if he asked you how it went? How would you react?”

Wilbur felt Phil’s eyes on him, felt a hot shame hanging over his head.  
“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Wilbur”, Phil sighed. “Have you been taking your meds?”

Wilbur tensed and stared at the concrete below him. “Yeah.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Have you, Wilbur?”

“Yeah! I said yeah, okay?”

Phil stared at him for a moment longer, then unlocked the door and went inside. He slipped his shoes off and shut the door behind them, then headed upstairs. Wilbur’s heart sank as he realised where he was going. Wilbur rushed past him and blocked his bedroom door with his body.

“Wilbur.”

“It’s fine, Phil.”

“Let me into your room.”

“I’ve been taking them.”

“Let me look, then. There should be no issue if you’re telling the truth.”

“I’ve been taking them, Phil, I swear.”

“So let me in. The bottle would nearly be empty by now, right?”

“Phil, please.”

“Wilbur, you’re not going to get better if you don’t take your meds! Do I have to start watching you take them?!”

“No! Phil, please, it’s fine! I don’t need them!”

“You do, Wilbur! You’re hurting people, you have to change!” Phil shouted.

Wilbur stared at him, tears stinging his eyes. “I-I’m not trying to hurt people.”

Phil sighed. “I know, Wilbur. I know.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, tonight, before I go to bed, I’ll come to your room and we’ll take our meds together. Okay? I need you to be helping yourself, Wilbur. Please. If not for me, if not for yourself, for Tommy and Techno.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. “Okay”, he mumbled. 

“Thank you”, Phil said, sighing and doing off to his own room.

Wilbur watched him go, then went inside his bedroom.

A knock came on his door- loud and fast. Tommy.

“What?” Wilbur called from his bed. 

“Can you drive me to Tubbo’s?” Tommy called.

“Have Phil drive you”, Wilbur shouted back.

“He’s busy. Can you drive me?” 

Wilbur groaned and let his head fall against the wall. “Fine, gimme a second.” He heaved himself up and changed into his binder and a white jumper.  
“Come on, let’s go.” He said as he opened the door.

“Are you two goin’ out?” Techno appeared in his doorway, peeking out.

Tommy visibly scowled. “He’s dropping me off at Tubbo’s.”

“Could I come?”

“No.”

Wilbur looked down at Tommy. “What’s your issue with Techno all of a sudden?”

Tommy looked away and crossed his arms. “Let’s just go.”

He stared for a moment longer. “No really, what’s going on? What happened between you?”

There was silence for a moment. His brothers both stared at the floor, Wilbur’s eyes darting between them.

“What is it? Tell me!”

“He almost killed you.” Tommy growled, his voice cracking.

“I know, Tommy! I know, you don’t think I’m sorry?!”

“You don’t act like it!”

“Wait! Stop, stop it, both of you!” Wilbur put his hands out. “How the fuck did Techno almost kill me?”

His brothers stared at him then. At the same time,  
“He gave you the drugs”, and,  
“I gave you the Xanax”.

Wilbur blinked as he tried to process that. He leaned against the hallway wall, rubbing his eyes and groaning.  
“Are guys that fucking stupid?”

“What?! What the hell is that supposed to mean, you bitch?!” 

“What do ya mean by that?”

Wilbur huffed an empty laugh. “I didn’t fucking- Techno didn’t give me the Xanax willingly! I blackmailed him, Tommy! I-I manipulated him! I said if he didn’t give it to me I’d tell dad he was cutti-“ Wilbur froze and clapped a hand over his mouth.

Tommy stared up at him. “What? Cutting?” He looked over at Techno, “Like cutting your skin?”

Techno’s eyes were fixed on Wilbur. His fists were balled tight at his sides. 

Wilbur stared back, eyes wide. He had seen that expression before.

He felt the impact before he saw Techno swing. 

“Ow, fucking hell, Techno!” Wilbur cried, holding his cheek. It was already bruised from where Schlatt had hit him, and the pain coursed through his veins like gold. 

“You had to tell Tommy? Fuckin’ Tommy?! He already doesn’t like me, Wilbur! What is wrong with you?!” Techno shouted, shoving his brother.

“Hey!” The three’s heads whipped to the end of the hall.  
“Hands off your brother, now!” Phil ordered.

Techno quickly obliged, all of them stepping away from each other. 

Phil took a deep breath.  
“Do not fight. In my house.”

A beat passed, the three silent as the night.

“Sorry”, Techno mumbled.

“Yeah, sorry”, Wilbur followed suit.

“I wasn’t fighting, it was just them.” Tommy said, puffing his chest out like he was proud.

Phil pinches the bridge of his nose. “What’s going on? Techno, why did you push him?”

“He punched me too.”

“You punched him?! Techno, he’s barely a week out of the hospital!”

“Yeah, I’m barely a week out of the hospital, Techno”, Wilbur egged him on.

“Wilbur.” Phil fixed a glare on him.

“Sorry.”

“Tell me what’s going on. Why were you fighting?”

Another beat passed. When no one spoke, Phil sighed.

“Well, I said that Techno almost killed him because he gave him the drugs, and then Wilbur said he had manipulated him into giving him the drugs because he was gonna tell you he was cutting his skin.” Tommy helpfully filled in, earning two glares from his brothers.

“Okay, well I already know that you were cutting, why did that make you punch him?” Phil asked, looking at Techno.

Techno stared at the carpet, his hands shaking.  
“I didn’t want Tommy to know.”

Phil sighed, “Okay. Wilbur, apologise.”

Wilbur shifted uncomfortably.

“Wilbur.”

“I’m sorry”, Wilbur mumbled, “it just slipped out. I didn’t mean to.”

“…okay”, Techno muttered.

“Good. Now Techno, apologise to Wilbur.”

“I’m sorry for hitting you, Wilbur.” Techno said.

“…thanks.”

“There, now the fight is resolved. Good? Good. I’ve got to get back to work, can you three refrain from killing each other until dinner?” Phil sighed.

“Yeah, I was about to drive Tommy to Tubbo’s, actually.” Wilbur said, tugging at his beanie. 

“Oh, okay, that’d be good. Drive safe.” Phil said, then turned and went back into his room at the end of the hall.

The three stood in silence for a moment.

“So can I tag along?” Techno asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Wilbur said. “Put some proper clothes on, we can go to the mall or something.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, I mean, you wanna get out of the house, right? I’ll take you to the mall. I’m sure Phil won’t care as long as it’s me, since I’m the reason you’re grounded.”

“Oh… okay. Thanks, Wil.” Techno offered a small smile and went back into his room, closing the door behind him.

“Don’t say anything. I don’t care if you’re mad at him, I’m the one he hurt, and I forgive him.” Wilbur said, fixing a glare on Tommy.

“I just don’t understand you guys”, Tommy mumbled, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall.

“What do you mean?”

“He broke your nose and almost got you killed, why do you forgive him?”

“He broke my nose because I was a dick to you, and the Xanax stuff wasn’t his fault. He’s in a dark place. People… people get mean when it’s too dark.”

Tommy stared up at him. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do people get mean when it’s dark?”

Wilbur thought on it for a moment.  
“Because the dark is scary. It’s from when we were prey animals. We can’t see through the dark, so we reach out with our hands. Sometimes we panic, and we get desperate, and we hurt people. It’s not intentional. It’s a way of asking for help.”

Tommy stared at him for a moment longer. “You’re really pretentious, has anyone ever told you that?”

“So why do you cut yourself?” Tommy asked.

Techno froze, and Wilbur choked on his own spit.

“Fucking Christ, Tommy, you can’t ask that!” Wilbur said, coughing into his elbow.

“Oh… sorry”, Tommy mumbled, shrinking down in the back seat.

“It’s fine, you didn’t know.” Techno sighed, running a hand over his face. He took a second to get his bearings again.  
“If I tell you do you promise to never do it?”

Tommy shifted in his seat. “Yeah, I promise.”

“It helps. It feels good, like, a release. Like I have all this bad stuff inside me, and- and it gets it out.” Techno explained.

Tommy hummed in acknowledgment. “Okay. Are you going to stop?”

Techno swallowed a lump in his throat. “Yeah, I am.”

“So cutting feels good?” Wilbur asked, sipping his boba.

“Do not start cutting.” Techno glared at his brother.

“I’m not going to! I just- I get what you mean. Like, pain feels good sometimes.” He said. 

The two were sitting on a wall outside the mall, watching the sunset.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“You shouldn’t associate pain with good feelin’s. That’s a bad way to think.”

“I guess. Have you ever lost a fight?”

Techno scoffed. “Yeah. Not recently, though.”

“Have you and Dream fought?”

“No.”

“Why not? You both like fighting, don’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s just…”

“What?”

“Well, we don’t know who would win. Realistically, it could be either. He’s quick, but I hit heavy. Y’know?”

Wilbur thought it over. “Yeah, I see it. I think you’d win, though.”

Techno huffed a laugh. “Sure.”

The sun was halfway down, golden light casting hard shadows through the world.

“You know what’s weird?”

“What?”

“I’ve been cravin’ cigarettes.”

“Do you wanna go get some?” Wilbur offered.

Techno looked over at him. “What?”

“Schlatt and I are friends again. He won’t give me booze or weed, but I’m sure he’d be fine with fags.” Wilbur shrugged.

Techno choked on his boba. “Wilbur!”

“What? What?”

“You can’t say that, man!”

“Say what?”

“Fags! Call them cigs or somethin’, man!”

“Why not? I’m british and I’m gay anyway, who’s it hurting?”

“Well, I don’t like it!” Techno scoffed.

“Alright, I won’t say it around you then. Come on, let’s go to Schlatt’s.” Wilbur hopped off the wall and offered Techno a hand. Techno took it cautiously, then hopped down as well. 

“You sure he’ll be okay with me comin’ over too?”

“He likes you better than me, dude. He likes that you’re quiet.”

“Oh… okay.”

“He also likes that you can hold your own in a fight. He respects you a shit ton, you know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Come on, get in the car.”

Wilbur knocked on the door. A few moments later, he heard shuffling, and someone on the other side.

“Who is it?”

“Your favorite drama queen!” Wilbur called.

The door opened. Schlatt had his gun clearly sticking out of his jeans, and when he saw Technoblade, he quickly pulled his shirt over it.

“Shit, sorry. Uh, what’re you two doin’ here?”

“Can we hang out for a bit?”

“Why?”

“Because I miss you.”

“And why’s Technoblade here?”

“I just took him to the mall, your house was on the way back.”

Schlatt narrowed his eyes at Wilbur.  
“What do you want?”

“Ciggies, please.” Wilbur grinned, putting his hand out palm up.

Schlatt rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous”, he said, and welcomed them inside. The house was old, clearly. What had likely once been white walls were stained a yellowish-grey with smoke, and there were piles of books and cardboard boxes in every corner. 

They followed Schlatt into his bedroom, where he shut the door behind them. 

“What do you want?”

“Marlboro Golds”, Wilbur said, sitting on his bed. Techno stayed put by the door frame. 

“You’re bleeding me dry, Wilbur.” Schlatt said, sighing.

“Uh, do you have any Newport Menthols?” Techno muttered.

Schlatt paused, then turned and looked at the two.  
“Hold on, are these for Technoblade?”

Wilbur rested his face in his hands, “Fuck, you’re an idiot, Techno.”

“You were going to give your brother cigs?! He’s fucking sixteen, Wilbur!” Schlatt shouted.

“So?! You were eight!”

Techno flinched at the sound of the slap. It sounded painful.

“Watch your fucking tongue, Soot.” Schlatt growled.

“I’m sorry”, Wilbur murmured. 

“I’ll give you the golds. Do not fucking share them with him, okay?” Schlatt ordered, opening his bedside drawer. He pulled out a pack of cigs and handed them to Wilbur.  
“Go home.”

Wilbur nodded and took them. “Thanks, Schlatt. Love you.” He said as he stood up.

“Don’t say that shit.”

“Mkay, bye, princess.” Wilbur snickered, opening the bedroom door.

“Go home, Soot!” Schlatt shouted.

Wilbur grinned and grabbed Techno’s hand, pulling him out of the house.

“Schlatt is scary”, Techno mumbled, taking a drag of the cigarette.

They sat on top of one of the cliffs by the hiking trails, smoking together. The sun had set, and the only light was the embers on the ends.

“Yeah, he is. He wouldn’t actually hurt anyone, though.”

“He slapped you pretty hard.”

“To be fair, I was being a dick.”

“I guess.”

“So, why Newport Menthols?”

“That’s what Schlatt had the night you were in the hospital.”

“Makes sense, they’re his favorites.”

The sound of crickets and cars on a distant road accompanied them. Techno finished his cigarette and put it out on the dirt.

“I’m still mad at you for telling Tommy that I cut.”

“That’s fair, I’m still mad at you for breaking my nose.”

“I don’t want him to start cutting.”

“He won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“He just won’t.”

“You don’t have any evidence.”

Wilbur sighed. “All of us can’t be fucked, man.”

Techno quieted and stared at the city lights far below them. “It wouldn’t surprise me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so DONT FREAK OUT but im planning on wrapping this story up soon. im not planning on stopping writing though! my plan is to finish up with this story and then move on to a sequel set like two years later or something which would mostly be about techno, and then another one which would be set another two years later which would be about tommy. since this one has been mostly about wilbur yknow. let me know what you guys think :^)
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	18. a transangelic exodus on four wheels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hope you don't mind i'm a little late :P

“You can’t skate for shit, dude.” The youngest of them laughed. Wilbur didn’t know his name.

“Fuck off, I can skate fine!” Schlatt growled.

“You really can’t”, Minx chimed in, laughing as well.

“Both of you fuck off or I’ll cut you off.” 

“Aww, you wouldn’t, you love me too much!” The youngest wrapped an arm around Schlatt’s shoulder, taking the board away from him. Wilbur’s gut twisted. When had Schlatt gotten close with this guy? When had this guy become a part of their group?

“So where have you been?” Niki asked, leaning against Wilbur.

Wilbur shrugged. “Around.”

“You were absent from school for like, weeks, Wil. I haven’t heard from you in ages.” She pouted.

“I’ve just been busy”, he said, standing up and walking to the edge of the skate park. He took a cigarette out and lit it. It was dark, only flashlights and streetlights illuminating the world. He had started going back to school, no one had really asked where he’d been. Excluding Niki, he supposed. It felt nostalgic, being back, but it came with a sense of impending doom. He would be out of highschool soon. What the hell was he going to do?

“Hola.”

Wilbur startled, turning around. “Shit, hey. You scared me.”

“Oh, sorry. Could I have one?” He asked, offering a weak grin. Wilbur looked him over. He was short, probably only a few inches taller than Schlatt. He was beautiful, too. Olive skin and dark brown eyes. He was also wearing a beanie.

“Take your beanie off.”

“What?”

“Your beanie. Take it off. That’s my thing.”

“I… I don’t take my beanie off.”

“No cig for you, then.” Wilbur turned around and took another drag.

The kid looked at him for a moment. “Do you have something against me? I don’t- I know I’m new to the group, but you weren’t around, so I didn’t know there was already a thing with beanies, I’ve always worn mine, since like seventh grade, and I don’t really know how I was supposed to know-“

“Shut up”, Wilbur growled, turning to face him again. The kid looked up at him with wide eyes. “I don’t know who you are. I don’t care for you. I run this group, okay? I’m Schlatt’s right hand man. You don’t mean anything to him.” Wilbur pushed his pointer finger into the kid’s chest.

“I-I’m sorry-“

“You will not replace me, kid. No matter how hard you try.” Wilbur hissed, before dropping his cig and grinding it out with his shoe. He shot the kid one more glare before he went back to the group.

Schlatt and Wilbur sat in the former’s bed, watching a show on Schlatt’s laptop.

“By the way”, Schlatt began.

Wilbur glanced over.

“Did you fuck with Alex?”

“Who?”

“Alex. Quackity? The new kid, kinda short, wears a beanie? Likes ducks?” Schlatt explained. 

Wilbur gritted his teeth. “I’m aware of him. I didn’t fuck with him, I told him not to get in my way.”

“What do you mean get in your way?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Wilbur, did you threaten him?”

“No, I didn’t threaten him.” Wilbur spat, shooting him a glare.

“Don’t give me that. He was real shaken up, okay? Minx said he was literally shaking last night.”

“It was cold.”

“Wilbur.”

“What, Schlatt?! What?! I’m supposed to be fine with you getting a new- a new best friend?! I’m supposed to be fine with you replacing me?!” Wilbur shouted.

Schlatt stared at him. “You’re a fucking moron.”

“Don’t say that!” Wilbur cried. “I love you, is it so outlandish for me to want to have you to myself?!”

Schlatt gritted his teeth, eyes darting to his bedroom door. “Don’t say that.”

“What, that I love you? It’s the truth! I’ve loved you since seventh grade!”

“Wilbur, shut up!” Schlatt shouted, shoving him.

Wilbur stared at him, eyes stinging with tears.

“Do not… say that… in my house.” Schlatt sighed.

“Why?”

“Because my dad will fucking kill us, Wilbur. He will drag us outside and put a bullet between our fucking eyes.” Schlatt glared.

Wilbur’s heart sank, he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Fuck, are you serious?”

“When you transitioned I introduced you as a different person, dude. That didn’t tip you off?” Schlatt asked.

“I… I guess it didn’t”, he mumbled.

“Don’t imply that I’m close with Alex around him, either. Seriously.” Schlatt ordered.

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Close with Alex.”

“He’s just a customer. He’s naturally charismatic, I’m not gonna tell him to stop.”

“Do you love him?”

“No, I don’t fucking love him. Are you stupid?”

Wilbur shifted a bit. “Okay.”

“God, you’re a wreck. So what if I was close with him, man? Are you so possessive that me having another friend would fuck you up?” Schlatt asked.

“I just don’t want to lose you again”, he mumbled. 

“You’re not gonna lose me, Wil. You’d have to move back to England just to get a head start.” Schlatt sighed.

Wilbur hummed and moved closer to Schlatt, resting his head on the other’s shoulder.

Schlatt thought the touch felt like the petal of a rose.

“We should go fuck around in LA”, Wilbur suggested one Friday night, the two of them laying on Wilbur’s bed.

“And do what?” Schlatt asked, looking over.

“I don’t know, something fun. There’s a bunch of venues there. We should go tomorrow, see if we can catch a show, y’know?” Wilbur grinned.

“That actually does sound kinda nice.”

“Right? I’ll go ask Phil if he’s okay with it.” Wilbur hopped up and rushed to the kitchen.  
“Hey, Phil?”

“What’s up, mate?” Phil didn’t look up from what he was cooking.

“Would you care if Schlatt and I drove down to LA tomorrow?”

Phil paused. “What would you do in LA?”

“Catch a show. There’s a bunch of live venues there.”

Phil thought it over, then nodded. “Sure, I guess. No drinking, obviously, no drugs, and you should be back by two AM.”

“Really?”

“Why not?”

“Could I come too?” Technoblade suddenly spoke up from where he was sitting at the table.

Wilbur looked between the two of them.

“There you go, take Techno with you. That’ll keep you straight.” Phil smiled. “Techno, you’ll look after your brother, won’t you?”

“Sure”, Techno grinned.

Wilbur grimaced and looked back to Phil. “What if the venues only allow adults?”

“Techno looks older than you, you’ll be fine.”

At the same time, Wilbur and Techno asked, “What?!”

Phil’s eyes went wide. “What? Was that a bad thing to say?”

“How the hell does he look older than me?!” 

“He just… does? He’s got dark eye bags and he wears his glasses and he’s got facial hair.”

“Hah! I look older than you!” Techno laughed.

“Shut up! Phil, please don’t make me take him”, Wilbur whined.

“Nope, that’s the condition. You’ve got to take Techno.”

Wilbur groaned and flipped Techno off when he snickered, then went back upstairs.  
“Ugh. Okay, so we can do it, but Techno is coming with us.”

Schlatt raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Okay, that sounds good.”

“I’m still mad at him for breaking my nose. Do you know how perfect my face was, Schlatt?” Wilbur complained, flopping down on the bed and draping himself over Schlatt’s lap.

Schlatt paused for a moment, his cheeks reddening. Wilbur had gotten much more touchy recently. He wondered what had changed.  
“You’re a narcissist to hell and back, Wilbur.”

Wilbur huffed. “Yeah, but you love me.” He grinned, reaching up and poking his cheek.

Schlatt pushed Wilbur off of him and got up. “I’m gonna head home, my dad is expecting me for dinner.” Before Wilbur could get a word in edgewise, he was gone.

Wilbur swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled his phone out to pass the time.

Wilbur stifled a laugh. “What are you wearing, dude?” 

Techno’s fists balled at his side. “It’s punk.” He was wearing ripped black jeans, his binder and a cut up Ezra Furman shirt. He was also wearing a pair of Wilbur’s black docs, heavy black eyeliner, and a spiked choker.

“Where did you get the choker?” Wilbur asked, holding back a snicker. 

“Spencer’s.” 

“Who’s Spencer?”

“The shop at the mall, you moron. Shut up. It looks good.”

Wilbur smirked. “It definitely looks punk.”

“Hey, are you pretty boys ready to go?” Schlatt called into the house.

Wilbur pulled his messenger back over his shoulder and went to the door. “Don’t call my little brother homophobic shit.”

“What? How is pretty boy homophobic?” Schlatt scoffed, getting into the passenger seat of Wilbur’s car.

“Don’t give me that, you know it’s gross. Techno, get in the car.” Wilbur ordered.

“Woah, Technoblade, you look sick!” Schlatt said, looking Techno over.

Techno got in the car quietly. “Thanks”, he mumbled.

“Alright, are we all ready?” Wilbur asked, looking back between the two. They both nodded, and he pulled out of the driveway.

“Do you care if I smoke?” Schlatt asked, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his breast pocket.

“Yes I care, don’t do that shit in my car. Phil will flip his fucking lid.” Wilbur said, pulling onto the freeway.

“Oh, right. Sorry. Alright, what music are we thinking?” Schlatt asked, leaning back in his seat.

“If we’re seeing a show tonight, it’ll be rock or punk or something, so I should get to play my music since you guys like that anyway.” Wilbur said, pulling his phone out. “Schlatt, could you put on my Forgetting December playlist?”

“Oh my god, please no, I can’t listen to Crywank, dude.” Schlatt complained, throwing his head against the headrest.

“I second that, Crywank sucks. If you’re gonna play something depressing, play Radiohead.” Techno chimed in.

“Yes! Thank you! Wilbur, your brother has incredibly superior music taste to you!” Schlatt laughed.

“Alright, both of you are assholes, I’m putting us on a twenty-four-hour Crywank lockdown.” Wilbur grumbled, putting the music on himself much against his brother and friend’s behest.

“Look at this, it says there’s a ‘Kitty and the Hounds’ show in there tonight. Do you guys wanna check that out?” Schlatt pointed as they drove down the main stretch.

“Sure, lemme find parking”, Wilbur said.

They found themselves inside a somewhat dingy bar with a stage at one end where a few people were setting up band equipment. Schlatt chose a table and ordered a round of beers with his fake ID. 

“Really?” Wilbur raised an eyebrow.

“You’re fine as long as I’m watchin’ you.” Schlatt shrugged. “Besides, you’ve been sober like, a month, right? A beer won’t hurt, and a beer is all it’ll be.”

Wilbur gritted his teeth. “I was… referring to Techno.”

Schlatt went wide-eyed, then laughed. “Oh, shit. Sorry. I mean, he’s your brother, is sixteen too young for one beer?”

“No, I was just confused because you didn’t want him smoking”, Wilbur shrugged.

“Yeah, well smoking does a lot more harm than a single beer. I mean, Technoblade, are you alright with it?” Schlatt looked over.

“Yeah, I don’t care.”

“You ever drank before?”

“Nope.”

“Alright, this is a real nice IPA. You’ll like it.” Schlatt grinned.

After a while, the band started performing. A couple of people started dancing in front of the stage. Wilbur, a little tipsy after the beer, decided to go off and dance in the crowd, leaving Techno and Schlatt at the table.

“So what do ya think of the beer?” Schlatt asked, finishing off his own drink.

“It’s actually nice”, Techno said. “I feel warm.”

“I’m gonna get a couple shots, I’ll be right back.” Schlatt got up and walked away, leaving Techno sat at the table alone.

Techno shifted in his seat, staring down his glass. Someone sat beside him and he looked up, expecting to see Schlatt. It was not Schlatt.

“Hi, I’m Josh”, the man grinned and offered his hand to shake. He was tall, probably taller than Dream, and he had ginger curls that fell over his ears.

“Uh, hi. I’m Technoblade.” He said, shaking the man’s hand.

“Interesting name. Are your parents hippies?” Josh grinned.

“Uh, no. Just nerds, I guess.”

“Are you here alone, Technoblade?”

“No, I’m here with my brother and his friend.”

“Oh, really? You look kinda young, is it your twenty-first or something?” He asked.

Techno swallowed his nerves. “Uh, yeah. Just turned it.”

“A Pisces, nice. I’m a Sagittarius.”

“Mhm”, Techno looked down at his drink and sipped it again.

“Would you care to dance?” 

“Oh, I don’t dance, sorry.” He mumbled.

“That’s alright. Could I buy you a drink?” 

Techno shifted in his seat. He did like the warm feeling the alcohol provided him.  
“Sure, that’d be nice.”

“What would you like?”

“Um, choose for me?”

“You look like a brandy man. I’ll get you the finest they have.” Josh grinned.

“Hi, who the fuck are you?” Schlatt suddenly appeared at his side. Josh stood nearly a foot taller than him.

“Oh, hi! Are you Technoblade’s brother? I’m Josh.” He offered his hand to shake. 

“He’s not interested, go flirt with someone else.” Schlatt growled.

“He seemed rather interested, I was about to buy him a drink.”

“He’s not interested. Seriously.”

“I think he can speak for himself, can’t he?” Josh looked over at Techno. “Would you like me to buy you a drink?”

Techno shrank further into himself. “I’m fine either way.”

“Fuck off, bud. He’s not fucking interested.” Schlatt growled, getting as close to the guy’s face as he could.

Josh snorted, “Alright, pipsqueak, calm down. He said he didn’t mind, either way, I think I’ll be buying him a drink.”

“Do you wanna take this outside?” Schlatt asked, fists balled at his side. 

“Schlatt, it’s fine, let him buy me a drink-“

“Sure, let’s fucking take it outside, you dick.” Josh spat back.

Before Techno could object, the two were storming out the front door. He got off the chair and ran to find Wilbur, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him outside.

“This guy was flirtin’ with me and I panicked and I said I was twenty-one and he tried to buy me a drink but Schlatt came back and he was pissed and now they’re fightin’ outside and you have to stop Schlatt from shootin’ him!” Techno cried, pulling him along.

“Jesus, what? I left for a minute!” Wilbur said, following him closely behind.

When they got outside, Wilbur froze.

The two looked ready to pounce on each other, but when Josh looked up and saw Wilbur, he lowered his fists.  
“Oh my god, Wilbur?”

“You know this jackass?!” Schlatt growled.

Wilbur stood frozen in place.

“Wilbur, how are you? You never texted me back, I had no idea what happened to you!” Josh approached him, but Wilbur stumbled back.  
“What’s wrong?”

“Wilbur, who is this guy?” Techno asked, fists clenched at the way Wilbur looked at him with fear in his eyes.

“P-Please don’t touch me”, Wilbur choked back a sob, backing against the wall of the building.

At the same time, it clicked in both Techno and Schlatt’s heads. The Josh from Tinder. The Josh that sexually assaulted Wilbur over winter break. The Josh that started Wilbur’s spiral.

“You’re Josh?” Techno asked, taking a step between his brother and the man.

“Yes, I’m Josh, that’s my name”, he rolled his eyes.

“And you and Wilbur hooked up in December?”

“Yeah, we did, and then he ghosted me.”

“Was Wilbur high?”

“Uh, yeah, why?”

“Were you high?”

“No, why are you asking this?”

Techno swung high, euphoria shooting through him at the feeling of cartilage cracking under his fist. 

Josh stumbled back, holding his nose in pain. “Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Schlatt kicked his shins, sending him to the ground.

“You’re lucky I don’t fucking kill you right now, you slimy piece of shit”, Schlatt growled, shoving him down and pressing his shoe to the guy’s neck. “I could kill you right now, I could put a bullet between your eyes, and the world would be a better fucking place for it.” Schlatt stomped on his chest one more time.  
“Get the fuck out of here, you better pray I never fucking see you again.”

Josh scrambled to his feet, limping, and hurried away. “You’re a bunch of fucking psychos!” He called as he left.

“The best you’ll ever meet!” Schlatt yelled, a manic grin on his face. He turned around to look at the others. Technoblade was breathing heavily, staring at the blood on his fist. Wilbur was gone.  
“Shit, where did Wilbur go?!” Schlatt rushed over to Techno.

“I-I don’t know”, he stuttered, “I broke his fucking nose.”

“Yeah, that’s a good thing. Come on, we gotta find Wilbur.” Schlatt grabbed Techno’s hand and pulled him inside, looking around. Schlatt found him at the bar, throwing back shots with a man’s arm around his waist.  
“Hey, Wil, we should head home, don’t you think?”

Wilbur shot a glare at him. “Fuck off.”  
The man pulled Wilbur closer, making him tense. 

“Are these guys bothering you, sweetheart?”

“No, it’s fine, can I ‘ave another couple shots?” Wilbur forced a smile up at him.

“Of course, darling.”

“Wilbur, please. We should go home”, Techno urged him.

“You had to hurt him, didn’t you?” Wilbur slurred, leveling a glare at his brother.  
“You had to fucking- you didn’ even consider if I didn’ wan’ him to get hurt?”

“He- He sexually assaulted you, Wilbur!” Schlatt whispered. 

“He didn’t mean to! You guys fucking- fucking- just did whatever you wan’ed! You don’ care about me, you jus’ like hurting people!” Wilbur growled.

“Wilbur, we can talk about this at home. Come on, I’ll drive, we should go.” Schlatt insisted, taking him by the hand.

“Don’ fucking touch me!” Wilbur shouted, yanking his hand away. 

“Here’s your shots, sweetheart. Are you sure these guys aren’t bothering you?” The man asked, his mouth uncomfortably close to Wilbur’s ear. Wilbur shuddered and downed the shots, then stood up. 

“Thanks for the booze, creep”, he giggled, stumbling over to them.

“What, you’re gonna leave just like that?” The guy called.

“Hehe, yeah”, Wilbur snorted. “Come on, let’s go, quick.” He draped his arm over Techno, relying on him to walk straight. They made it out of the bar quickly and managed to get the stumbling Wilbur back to his car. Schlatt took the driver’s seat, while Techno brought Wilbur into the back with him.

“I’m still mad at you guys, tha’ guy was jus’ creepin’ me out.” Wilbur slurred, laughing a little as Techno buckled him in.

“Technoblade, could you pull up the directions back to your house on your phone?” Schlatt asked, pulling out of the parking lot. 

“Yeah, sure.”

“You guys are such fucking arseholes, d’you know that?” Wilbur slurred, glaring at Techno.  
“Look at that. You got blood on your hands. Jus’ like when you broke my nose. All you do is hurt people.”

“Wilbur, shut your fucking trap. We were defending you.” Schlatt growled, pulling onto the freeway.

“No, you were jus’ hurtin’ people! Innocent people!”

“He wasn’t innocent, Wilbur”, Techno muttered.

“He was! He didn’t fuckin’ mean to, you dolt!”

Schlatt groaned and threw his head against the headrest. “Wilbur, please. You have to like, realise that you didn’t deserve that.”

Wilbur glared at the back of Schlatt’s head.  
“Crash the car.”

“I’m not gonna crash the car, Wilbur”, Schlatt sighed.

“Do it. Kill us. Kill us in a bloody, bloody car accident. We’ll all die together. It’ll be poetic.” Wilbur grinned, laughing a little.

“Shut up, Wilbur!” Schlatt growled.

“Or what?! You’ll hit me?! You’ll point your stupid fuckin’ gun at me?! I don’ care, Schlatt!” He laughed, his tone high and manic. “Shoot me! I don’ care! I’m better off dead, everyone knows it!”

“Wilbur, stop”, Techno said, his monotone close to a beg.

“You know what?! I’ll do it myself!” Wilbur undid his seatbelt and opened the car door, jumping out before he could process the reality of what he was doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kitty and the hounds is actually my oc's band :^)
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


	19. i've never loved you more than i love you now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> merry christmas. thank you all for joining me.

“Wilbur!” Techno and Schlatt screamed, Techno just barely managing to grab him and pull him back in. Techno shut the door and locked it, then held Wilbur’s shoulders and looked him in the eye.

“Wilbur”, he said, panting from suddenly having to save his brother’s life, “never fuckin’ do that again.”

Wilbur glared at him, teeth gritted.

“You have to keep goin’. I know it’s scary. I know he hurt you, he made you feel like you would never be safe again. I promise you’re safe. I promise I will always keep you safe. Me, Schlatt, and dad will always make sure that can’t happen again. I’m so sorry it happened once. If I could take that pain away from you, I would. I would, Wilbur.”

It took a moment for his facade to break. It did, and Wilbur let out a sob. “I d-didn’t…” he let out another sob, wiping his eyes, “I didn’t wan’ it to happen.”

“I know, Wilbur. Can I hug you? Would that be okay?” Techno asked.

Wilbur nodded, burying his face in his brother’s chest. Techno held him close and tight, trying to slow his own breathing.  
“God, you fuckin’ scared me, Wilbur. We shouldn’t’ve beat him up without your say so, I’m sorry, but you can’t just- you can’t just jump out of a car on the freeway!” Techno insisted, his voice raw.

“I didn’ ever wanna see ‘im again”, Wilbur sobbed, digging his nails into his brother’s back to steady himself. 

“You never will again, I promise.” Techno sighed. “You’re safe, Wilbur. You’re safe.” His tone became a whisper, a quiet reassurance.

They drove for half an hour, Wilbur sobbing in his brother’s arms all the way. Schlatt pulled the car into the parking lot of the nearby park.  
“Come on, let’s go sit outside. He needs some fresh air.”

Techno nodded and took Wilbur’s hand, gently bringing him out of the car. The three sat on the curb, Schlatt pulled out a pack of cigarettes and distributed them. Techno lit Wilbur’s for him because his hands were shaking too badly to do it himself.

“Do ya wanna talk about it?” Techno asked, taking a drag from his cig.

Wilbur took a shaky breath, wiping his eyes with the base of his hand. “I j-just…” he sniffled and choked back a sob.  
“It was jus’ so scary, I didn’ know wha’ was happening, an’ he k-kept…” he took a drag, “I couldn’ even feel it right.”

“What do you mean?” Schlatt asked, taking Wilbur’s free hand in his own and gently rubbing his thumb.

“It was- It was the highest I’ve ever been. I didn’ know what was goin’ on, my whole body felt numb and floaty”, he sniffled, taking another drag. “I didn’ even realise he was- was-“ he let out a sob.

“It’s okay, don’t rush yourself.” Techno assured him.

“I d-didn’ realise h-he was touching me u-until he had m-my binder off”, Wilbur sobbed into his hands, letting the cigarette ash fall on his jeans. Schlatt squeezed his hand.  
“A-And then he a-asked me if I was o-okay with it, an’ I jus’ said yeah, b-because I didn’ wan’ ‘im to get upset!” He cried, a loud, harsh sound that ripped out of his throat.

“It’s not your fault, Wil. He shouldn’t’ve been doing that if you were high anyway.” Schlatt said, holding his hand tight.

“B-But I said yes! I never said no, h-how is it not my fault?!” Wilbur cried, his shoulders shaking and his eyes blurred with tears.

“He should have known not to do that, he shouldn’t have taken you saying yes while you were high as consent”, Techno insisted.

Wilbur shook his head and sobbed into his hand, squeezing Schlatt’s hand with desperation. “I’m an i-idiot. I shoulda known better”, he sniffled.

“No, Wilbur.” Schlatt sighed and pulled him into a hug. “He took advantage of you. He took advantage of you, Wilbur. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Should we go home?” Techno asked, looking to Schlatt. 

“Not your house, not with him this wasted. We could go back to mine, could you text your dad and ask if that’s okay?” Schlatt offered.

Techno nodded and pulled out his phone to text Phil.

Wilbur leaned against Schlatt, who cautiously opened his arms to him, and started to quietly sob again. 

“Okay, we can go to your house. We should go.” Techno said, standing and offering his hands to the two.

Schlatt laid Wilbur down in bed after making him drink a glass of water. He was exhausted from the day’s events, and he fell asleep almost immediately. 

Techno and Schlatt left him there and went into the backyard. There was an empty pool in the back, dozens of beer cans and other alcohol bottles at the bottom of the basin. The two sat on the lip of it, a beer and a cig in each hand. 

“He’s in love with you”, Techno said. It was the first time either of them spoke since they’d left the park.

Schlatt took a drag from his cigarette. “I know.”

“Do you love him too?” Techno asked, looking over. 

He sighed, smoke gently coiling out from between his lips. “I… I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I dunno… he’s my best friend, but I don’t wanna date him, y’know?” Schlatt sipped his beer.

“Oh.” Techno stared down into the empty pool. “Are you gay?”

Schlatt laughed. “What is with Watson boys and asking me if I’m gay?” He took a deep drag. “To answer your question, I have no fucking clue.”

“Really? You’re eighteen and you don’t know your sexuality yet?” Techno asked.

His nose wrinkled and he scowled. “Technoblade, something you gotta understand is that you’re a very lucky person. You got a good dad, a good house, and a good life. You and your brothers are all trans and your dad is like, fine with it. He supports it. You and Wilbur are gay- or bi in Wilbur’s case- and he’s happy for you. I don’t have that. I’ll never have that. I don’t know if I’m gay, because I spent up until basically last year thinking I’d burn in Hell for it. And that’s a scary fuckin’ thought, right? That if I was attracted to guys, I would spend the rest of eternity burning alive? It terrified me. It still does. If I end up figuring out that I’m gay, where do I go from there? I can’t date a guy. I can’t ever bring a guy home to my dad. He would crucify me, he’d send me away to a conversion camp or try to beat it out of me. He would never look at me the same.” Schlatt sighed and finished his beer, crumpling it up and tossing it into the pool.  
“If I’m gay, I would have to wait until my dad died to live my life how I wanted to. I can’t leave him. He’s all I have, he’s all I’ve ever had. He’s got bad ideas, but he’s my dad, y’know? I love him. I love him, even if he would hate my guts if he knew who I was. I’m the only one bringing in money for us. He would be homeless if I left him, all of our other family is dead, he wouldn’t have anywhere to go.” He took a drag from his cigarette. “I owe him this. He raised me, he did his best, the least I can do for him is keep my head down and make him proud.”

Techno stared at him. Crickets chirped in the weeds growing through the concrete of the patio, the moon hung high overhead and illuminated them with pale, gentle light.  
“I’m sorry.”

Schlatt looked over at him. “What’re you sorry for?”

“I dunno, I’m sorry your life is so hard, I guess.” Techno shrugged, looking away.

Schlatt stared at him for a moment longer, then opened another two beers for them. “You’re a good kid, Technoblade.”

Techno took the can and tossed his empty one into the pool. “Thanks. You’re a good adult.”

Schlatt laughed at that.

“How was your sleepover, boys?” Phil asked as Wilbur and Techno entered the house. 

“It was fine, how was yours and Tommy’s night together?” Wilbur asked, taking his shoes off and putting the keys in their bowl by the door.

“Oh it was good, we played a bit of minecraft together and watched a movie. I think he’s still asleep, so try not to wake him up.” Phil said. “Do either of you want waffles?”

“I’m alright, I’m gonna head up and try to get some more sleep”, Wilbur said.

“Me too. Thanks anyway, dad.” Techno followed his brother upstairs.

Techno fetched a bottle of painkillers from his room, then went to Wilbur’s and shared a few with him.

“Thanks”, Wilbur mumbled, taking them with some water.

“No problem. Is your hangover bad?”

“Not the worst I’ve had. What about you? Did you and Schlatt keep drinking after I passed out?”

“Just beer. I don’t think I got drunk, I just felt fuzzy and warm.”

Wilbur nodded and laid down in his bed. He let out a deep sigh. “Sorry I got… emotional last night.”

Techno scoffed. “You mean tryin’ to jump out of a car?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, that. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I… I get the feeling. You know if you ever feel like that you can talk to me, right?” Techno asked.

Wilbur laughed at that. “God, I’m a shit brother, aren’t I?”

Techno stared at him for a moment. He sighed and laid down beside him.  
“I think you’re trying. You’ve got a lot of stuff going on. You’ve been mean, but… I don’t know. I don’t really hold it against you.”

Wilbur looked over at his brother, brown eyes meeting brown eyes. Dark circles under both pairs, brown curls falling over one and pink strand the other.  
“Why don’t you hold it against me?”

He shrugged. “I love you.”

Wilbur smiled. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry to say but this is the last chapter. if it feels awkward, or cut off too soon, i'm sorry. i've written stories all my life but i've genuinely never written an ending before. i hope you all enjoyed this as much as i did. this specific book is over, but the story will continue! my next book focusing on techno as an 18 year old in the same universe will probably be premiering tomorrow! (don't quote me on that though). i love you all so much. thank you for partaking in this journey with me.
> 
> follow me on twt:  
> https://twitter.com/wallacenvomit
> 
> join the catalyst series discord server:  
> https://discord.gg/7RKdZUbxFd


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